How's That For Esoteric!

Pagan Ghost Story

2012-02-06T20:50:00.000-08:00

It's the wind... it always inspires me and I love to spread the inspiration.

Lately, in my depression, I have been sitting in front of the TV, alot... too much. Mostly, I am bored with the thing, unless, there's a good game to be played on the game system. But lately, I have been watching a lot of paranormal shows. LOVE THEM... ADORE THEM...FASCINATED WITH THEM...

I guess the fascination started when I was a kid and found a book in our local library that contained the following image and story:

I watch them, in part, because I love old houses and I love to hear the stories about haunted places and homes. There's a great history lessons too, in some cases. I also love to watch how some of these paranormal groups perform their cleansings and banishings. In most cases, these banishings are watered down for the status quo or I wonder if maybe they do not show the ritual in it's entirety. The Roman Catholic church seems to have more a presence in these type of rites and publicity.

In some cases, the haunted place is said to be the location of "demonic rites", cults ("wink") or a place that has been associated with witches. I always take this implied scariness with a grain of salt, because, hell, some of my best friends are witches and the NICEST people I know.

So here is my idea. I want to collect PAGAN GHOST STORIES (short stories), say about 750 words or less and post them. I will collect them until Fall of this year and post the best of the best at my favorite time of the year, Samhain or Day of the Dead. The stories can be true, partly true or complete fiction but they have to be written by someone who practices the occult. Pen or magickal names will be allowed, so long as I know how to contact you.

Hey, we can conjure up a better story than the "muggles" (LOL). We deal with the "scary" occult stuff all of the time!!! I will make sure the link to this post is posted on my blog until Fall. I also intend to circulate this post on the social networks too. If you like this idea, please circulate this on your own social network or blog. It will be greatly appreciated.

Gonna LOVE this project. Thanks Tzadkiel!

Does the Scary Clown Dream?

2012-02-01T22:46:00.000-08:00

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. -Oscar Wilde

Sometimes I wonder about other people... I wonder what makes them tick. First and foremost, I wonder if they ever had dreams when they were children. I have always encouraged my kids to have dreams.It may be bold to say but I believe that a person's success can be measured by the amount of dreams that they made come to fruition. Are they living their dream? Or are they stuck in a situation where they are just surviving?

When I was a kid I dreamed of being an astronaut or a pilot. I used to take the local bus to the airport and spend the afternoon watching the little passenger planes land and take off. The airport used to have little comfy booths to sit in (pre-TSA) and I would bring some fiction, a sketch book and dream the afternoon away about places I would go and people I would meet and things I would do. When I first started going to the airport, I felt a little funny and I was always worried I would get in trouble. What I found was that the airport staff kinda respected that I enjoyed the planes so much since they shared the same joy as I did. It was a fitting choice when I decided to become an engineer. I worked hard in school and was fortunate enough to get into a reputable university. I don't work for the aerospace industry now but pretty close... Close enough to know that there are ONLY THREE hooks holding the suborbital spacecraft on the prototype for the first commercial spaceship.

Have you ever felt you were in a surreal place that felt like it was the back drop for a movie yet you were actually living it?

What made me think of this was actually a couple of things. One of these things was a conversation I was having with a fellow sorcerer. Someone had asked about what a thought form was and he responded that: "its like when you think about something REALLY REALLY hard and eventually it just comes true". Another thing I have been thinking about is ... of all things...scary clowns. Scary clowns are not funny... they're scary, and pathetic.

The scary clowns remind me of a person I know and feel sorry for sometimes. This person really has no one to love and his/her relationships and friendships are superficial and gratuitous at best. I took some time to get to know this person so that I might try to be this person's friend. The friendship did not happen because once I scratched at the surface of the caked on makeup and painted-on smile, I found a truly deplorable person. I discovered the source of the deplorability actually stemmed from a sort of inner turmoil caused by personal humiliation and embarrassment, a turmoil and humiliation that actually has led to self hatred and isolation. I think the dreamer that feels punished by the vision of the dawn actually hasn't gotten over their feeling of stupidity of being in the dark.

So what do dreams, thought forms, clowns, planes and magick have in common?

We have to dare to dream. We have to go to that place inside of us, that child mind-set, where we don't worry about embarrassment. (Because let's face it, donning funny robes/hat and chanting are pretty silly out of context) Then, we have to pull on those awkward, ill-fitting clown shoes... stumble about... and feel stupid about being in the darkness.

But first, ask yourself... do you dream about being a clown?

PO........V

2012-01-27T13:30:00.000-08:00

Subtitle: Piece OF my mind & the Troublemakers of the Valley

I like joining Facebook groups and Yahoo occult groups. You can get some GREAT practical and conceptual information at your leisure. I rarely post to the groups discussions because I really have to use my time wisely and it's easy to get sucked into the discussions. Some people in these groups can be... well.... kinda dick-ish...but it aint no thang because it's like fans in a stadium at a sporting event. Some people just lose their manners sometimes, especially in packs. And hell, my Dear Readers know I can stick my foot in my mouth too.

Well, recently a nice lady in one of the local groups here in California posted that she needed some help with some housecleaning and she wanted to know if anyone knew someone who would do housekeeping that wouldn't mind that she was an occultist. Since I have had an on-going hand injury (paralyzed finger) and some recent surgeries, I knew someone so I told her I would give her a recommendation and provided her other guidance on where she could find other recommendations too, such as the local occult shop or even a botanica.

Well, the leaders of the group kicked me out for giving the nice lady some advice on housekeeping... and I wasn't even TRYING to be a dick.

Well, this wouldn't have bothered me so much. In any other case, I might have figured it was a mistake... or something else. But the people in this group, they have made it a habit of kicking people out for voicing their opinions. Good people... people you would want to kick back and have a beer with...People you would go for advice because you know they will tell you the truth, no matter how much it would hurt. (I will call them my fellow trouble makers) People who are loved and well-respected leaders and teachers of their own occult groups.

Well, let me say that I think their actions have been PETTY and their behaviour is intensely CRAZY, like pysch-med and institutional crazy. I also feel very strongly that the leaders of this group do not have the capacity to identify the traits of a GOOD PERSON. I have been quietly watching them for quite some time now. It's totally wrong the way they HURT people, in the guise of having compassion for occultists. There are alot of good people who are occultists who are trying hard to establish respect for our community and their antics have done nothing to further our cause for credibility.

The crazy people kinda reminds me of this group:

and OH!!! The people who lead this group are also editors or publishers...or whatever. Simply put... PEOPLE WHO CANNOT HANDLE OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS OR VOICE, HAVE NO BUSINESS IN HANDLING OTHER WRITER'S WORKS.

True Healing

2012-01-12T22:12:00.001-08:00

Its been a while since I blogged so my words may seem a bit awkward. For the most part, I have not shared information about my magick with anyone else lately so I find myself stumbling with the expressions.

A lot has gone on since I last blogged and a dark cloud settled in for a while on my life in more than one way. Be careful when you ask for... it might just happen. Several months ago, I asked for, what seemed like, a very innocuous request during my jupiterean work for "true" healing for myself and my family. Sometimes, situations have to get worse before they get better and truths are sometimes very hard to face. The request manifested as dark clouds yielding cleansing rains followed by the occasional lightning bolts of pure enlightenment, painful to my very core of being.

I found myself taking stock of my life as a parent who is also a magician. It is very difficult to be a successful magician and find that some things are just out of your control. As a parent, it is so easy to impose your will upon your children... mold them into something you want them to be. Have hopes and dreams for them. Shape their reality. (I often think my kids were my biggest magick.) It's really your duty as a parent to influence your kids when they are young but as they get older, their choices become their own. Kids become adults with their own will. As magicians, we all know it will not work, to impose our will upon others. This adage is also pertinent to our children.

So my son became very ill with a sickness that any traditional healing could not help. He became sick from an illness of his own choice. He became ill with drug addiction, both methamphetamine and heroin. As the toxins flowed through his body, he would lose days of sleep or he would sleeps for days. His odd behaviour effected his little sister who he adores and his behaviour effected me. Our typically very tight knit family was unraveling out of control. Out of desperation to keep my dear children from the pain and sadness, I used my magick to effect change, carefully crafting the magick from what I have learned and without the "heat of the moment". I just wanted him to stop doing the drugs and see how harmful they were to himself and to his family. It culminated several weeks ago when he violently vandalized my home while yelling out incoherent obscenities to me, his loving mother, and to my daughter his loving sister. We hid in my locked bedroom as I nervously called "911". During the call he tried to kick down the bedroom door and demanded money for drugs and cigarettes. As the cops were taking him off to dry out, I told he was no longer allowed to be in our home because of his behaviour. I instantly felt like a total failure as a parent ...and above all, a failure as a magician. These feelings of worthlessness was further exacerbated by my ex telling me that I had no compassion for my own skin and blood for kicking him out and my daughter's cries of sadness because she desperately missed her brother.

If I cannot effect change on something that totally means the world to me... how can i effect change on something that isn't equally as important?

So after a lot of pain, misery and self doubt, I looked back at my Work, some of which I painstakingly documented, just like I had been taught. With my engineering eyes, I looked at every statement, every detail and every intent. I discovered something so liberating.

Everything I asked for...happened. The "true healing" had occurred in the very specific manner that I had asked for. My son stopped doing drugs. He learned his lessons and my daughter learned that people we love sometimes need to learn to Love themselves before they can truly Love us back. Did I impose my Will upon my son? What would any parent do if their child was in danger? Perhaps I did, but, the strongest part of the spell was my Love for my family.

The biggest detriment has been my self-doubt and now, I realize that if you doubt yourself you can never really SEE the changes that have occurred because your own self-esteem and prejudice colour your perception. This realization has provide me with a true healing, GROWTH. Oh so consistent with the sphere of Jupiter.

Keyboard? How Quaint!

2011-10-13T17:01:00.000-07:00

The other day I was writing some letters for some craft Work. It was a laborious task because of the details required in the pen strokes. I actually write manually a great deal but my handwriting is almost discernible unless I put some effort into it. I was almost tempted to do the writing via a computer but that would have defeated my purpose. Manual writing has become quite a chore in this age of technology. Information is accessed at the speed of light and the beautiful strokes put into the individual lines of a solitary letter is replaced with a single microsecond peck on a keyboard...or worse yet, the keyboard does the thinking for you by anticipating your intended word.

How does this effect us as magicians? In the very least, we are beginning to forget how to use the fine motor skills of our hands and our fingers. That carefully mastered upward swish in the pen stroke is created by that ever so fine rolling of the calligraphy pen in the fingers. I think it damages more than we think. (I will save you the soap box rant of how it is effecting our children.) I believe it ultimately effects how we communicate with others. After all, isn't each stroke, letter, word, phrase, sentence, paragraph, chapter or book a representation of an idea or a component within our physical world that we are trying to relay to another human? The primary interface for our written communication used to be a writing utensil, like a pen or a pencil. Now, the primary interface for our communication is an electronic device that requires power and an Internet connection. The mode by which we communicate has changed from self-powered to energy powered. The power of communication has literally been taken from our hands. We have become dependent on something less tangible and more obscure, the power grid. Do you care to disagree with me? Spend two weeks without touching a single electronic keyboard, no doubts that a good portion of you cannot go an entire day.

My biggest question for myself at this point is what am I to do? Do I give in to this dependence? Do I just accept this as a natural progress of humanity?

Nah!!! A good engineer always knows how to use more than one interface:

I offer you this hypothesis, perhaps the modern day scribe is a computer programmer?

No wonder a lot of my magician friends are also programmers.

Rant About Sparkly Vampires

2011-10-10T14:12:00.001-07:00

People are looking for a sense of humanity. Something that screams out to them that they are not alone. There are idiots whose usual response is a joke or their odd form of humor. I don’t trust these people. They are DICKS!! A person seeking a sense of humanity is seeking compassion and understanding, not some foolish cajoling. Don’t get me wrong, some people are truly happy-go-lucky type of people, usually positive but people who are truly that way radiate that type of energy with sincerity, even online, especially in person.

Some people force a response of happiness, which makes me distrust them even more for I feel they are fearful/uncomfortable of being sad or angry or are oblivious to the injustice around them or do not have a proper sense of equality...or dare I say, are nut bags.

My disdain of this dripping syrupy exaltation of happiness is worsened by the images I see this time of year portraying green faced ugly witches, itsy bitsy fairies and sparkly vampires. Witches, fairies and vampires would kick you ass in all reality (or surreality...LOL, whatever). I have kids and I understand the need for a sugar coated portrayal. You caint have them sleep in your bed all of the time and the inevitable "monsters under the bed" or "monster in the closet" or "monster down the hall" will develop out of little imaginations despite how much we protect or comfort them.

The monsters are ingrained within our very being and the essence of our imagination.

Nah...what pisses me off is my own fantasies are ruined by the repackaged prepubescent-palatable charicatures of sparkly vampires and numbed by the anti-depressant-induced one sided view of the universe. (Booming fast talking announcer voice: side effects for sparkly vampires may include blurred vision, bloating, loss of appetite, erectile dysfunction and loss of libido!!) The only semblance of a smile is when the vampire bears their fangs to bite your neck with complete sincerity, only seriousness. I want the thrill of venturing into the dark side, facing my fear, or perhaps just modifying my comfort level. The truth is...Stoker-ish vampires have always turned me on. A reverie of a demon delivering a puncture thrust to my throat and sucking life-giving fluids is enough to send pulsations through my body, (sexual innuendo is intended.)

Afterall, isn’t that why we seek out other humans? That instinct to “not feel alone” is just a variation of our need to procreate, to combine the dick in the cunt, the light with the dark, the male with the female and the positive with the negative. Procreation is our innermost need to create, bringing light together with the innermost darkness of our imagination.

No wonder those idiots are called dicks.

Light to Dark/ An Ode to Persephone

2011-09-30T12:38:00.000-07:00

A Light with No End

When I do my daily LBRPs, I have always had a slight visualization problem with the Archangel Michael. The fire I visualized with the archangel was always like a flame thrower or a furnace with no afterburner. I realized that my visualization was a slight overkill so I tried to back it off a bit. I started to visualize it as a laser with pin-point precision AND accuracy...but even THAT was difficult. Over and over, the line of the laser would turn to a wave. A wave of Light with no end.

Morality Differentiates Between Light and Dark
In the last post I inserted this diagram in regards to morality and spirituality:

I am beginning to understand that morality and spirituality are very separate waveforms, not combined into one waveform. For a long time, I tried to convince myself that the two were the same, which has caused much inner turmoil and frustration. Although I understood both concepts of combination and separation superficially, that is, I probably could have regurgitated something to support either one, the concept really did not click in my head. I guess I really wanted to believe they were combined. This was a fallacy.

Love is Light and Darkness. Love Does Not End
A critical key to my understanding was going back to Jung and realizing that morality is just a deception:

Being a part, man cannot grasp the whole. He is at its mercy. He may assent to it, or rebel against it; but he is always caught up by it and enclosed within it. He is dependent upon it and sustained by it. Love is his light and his darkness, whose end he cannot see. “Love ceases not”—whether he speaks with the tongues of angels,” or with scientific exactitude traces the life of the cell down to its uttermost source. Man can try to name love, showering upon it all the names at his command, and still he will involve himself in endless self-deceptions. If he possesses a grain of wisdom, he will lay down his arms and name the unknown by the more unknown, ignotum per ignotius—that is, by the name of God. This is a confession of his subjection, his imperfection, and his dependence; but at the same time a testimony to his freedom to choose between truth and error. -Carl Gustav Jung

Dependence is like darkness and freedom is like light.

An Ode Persephone
This last weekend I did a solitary equinox. I have been struggling with the meaning of the autumnal equinox, in particular an equinox rite performed in a solitary manner. For those of My Dear Readers who have known me a while, you know that one of my patrons is Persephone. Sadly, since I been working with other deities, I set her aside. From the very beginning, I could relate to her and my own life's struggles mimicked the goddess. From her story, I was able to ascribe both light and darkness to both the deity and myself in a relatable way. Two very special people told me the story of Persephone two years ago. I was so touched by the hope and inspiration of the story that I gifted the couple back with a pomegranate tree, which has been lovingly cared for and bears fruit now. This whole process of understanding morality, spirituality, light and darkness has provided even more meaning to Persephone and the meaning of the equinox. I nearly forgot. It has been like an awakening.

Dream Caused By The Flight of A Bee Around A Pomegranate A Second Before Awakening - Salvador Dali

I Stand Corrected

2011-09-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

This is an example of waveforms for AC current over the frequencies of 50 hertz and 60 hertz that one would see on an oscilloscope. I spend many bored hours looking at waves on these devices, which to the normal average person means nothing. The only time it would really mean anything to anyone is if you travel to a different country and you can’t plug your laptop into the outlet or plug in your hair dryer. Then, it makes a BIG difference because your power plug will not work. Waveforms over different frequencies are a good example of paradigms. Do you notice how sometimes the waveforms on not completely synchronized, that is, there are points in the waves where one curve is ascending upward (positive) and another is ascending downward (negative)?

I don't hold to the same sense of values as other people. Sometimes I confuse my paradigms and it becomes ever so tempting to switch. This is an internal struggle of mine, which I have every intention to stay true to my Will. It’s difficult though when so many people I love maintain the other paradigm. It may be correct for them but not for me.

All of this paradigm analysis is timely in that I have been thinking about my position and value within the local pagan community. In the general community my thoughts and opinions hold a large amount of value, not so much in the local pagan community. Most people in the local community are unaware of my blog. The reason for this undervalue is I do not provide a service to the local population. What is valued within the community are adepts, healers, divinators, seamstresses, bakers and candlestick makers, not a lowly engineer, which has created an interesting dynamic. I believe a similar paradigm exists for physical beauty but I will not address it for this post.

Another situation that has spurred my self analysis of these paradigms has been recent accusations within the community that I am not of the "Light", an implication that either my morality or spiritual development is stunted... or both. I am not certain which one.

Before I get a ton of angry email and knee jerk reactions let me explain the dynamic. A good example of this paradigm: a soldier would have a different set of morals, then, say a stay at home parent. This is not to say that a stay at home parent never has to make decisions over moral dilemmas or that a well trained soldier is constantly making grey-colored decisions that shape their environment (sometimes, they JUST follow orders). However, when a component set of spirituality attributes is applied to either the stay at home mom or the soldier, they MAY be at the same level. Both a stay at home mom and a soldier can be a witch, magician or sorcerer...why is this? This implies that morality and spirituality are possibly independent of each other, like the diagram above, of different frequencies, yet sometimes synchronized. I am of the opinion that it depends on how well the person switches their paradigm. In the example of the soldier, how well does she exhibit compassion and in the case of the stay at home parent, how well does he exhibit martiality? A stay at home parent is expected to exhibit kindness to their small children, it kinda goes with the territory but kindness, in and of itself is not a clear-cut attribute of spirituality. A soldier is expected to exhibit war-like behaviour but how often does a soldier exhibit compassion? I may be talking out my ass about this issue but this is a much of a work in progress as my own ego.

This confusion over morality and spiritual development is one reason why most of us have problems with the fundies. In the eyes of a fundamentalist, occultists are neither moral nor spiritual. We are evil and as one fundie pointed out, "not of God".

Frater L recently disagreed with me on my list of attributes for a magickal person and he gave me an example of someone who is celebrated for his contributions, yet an absolute and utter DICK, Aleister Crowley. I STAND CORRECTED. This was an epiphany to me because I needed to create an assignment of value to my experiences despite the fact that the local community does not value my experiences, an assignment independent to the issue of paradigm. A morally reprehensible person would be of little value to a small community, just like an engineer, but still be of great value and resource to the greater community. I need to work more on my list of attributes.

A Rag About the Triple Goddess

2011-09-21T16:52:00.000-07:00

A friend's mom passed away recently. I felt sadness and I could relate to her feelings. I have lost both my parents so I can really relate. When you're a woman and your mom passes, your self image changes, especially if you already have had children. Within the last few years I admittedly relate to more of the crone, a self image typically reserved for woman 15-20 years older than I am. My thoughts about the triple goddess began to surface about two weeks ago when a good friend reminded me of Carl Jung's analysis of the the maiden, mother and crone. I really need to start looking at the material again.

I have always had problems with the triple goddess concept of maiden, mother and crone. The concept has a slight misogynist twist to it IMHO in that, females are only naive in youth, women are tied (tide LOL) to the physical bonds of our cycles during motherhood and as a crone, the inevitable is death. Not a very positive review of fertility or womankind, IMHO. During the implied stages of the triple moon, we are bound to our ignorance, our bodies or our death...we are just imprisoned...by something... no matter the stage of our development.

The actual symbol reminds us of a vagina. I guess it kinda of bugs me because I do not just define myself according to the state of my pussy. It's there, it has fun, it has had many uses but I do not think with it or feel Love from it (well, not that kinda Love). I do not have problems with the actually deities associated with the triple moon. I am not a female misogynist and I love other women. I guess I have a hangup with the fertility concept because I have no problems understanding and relating to other triplicities. In my mind, the concept of the triple goddess is dark in nature and the fertility triplicity is not loosely interpreted. I wish I could get passed this obstacle because fundamentally, I believe it effects the way I see myself. I think the Jungian psychology might be a key to my understanding.

In a recent visit to a coven of Dianic Wiccans, my impression of their interpretation of the triple goddess is that the crone is actually representation of rebirth and they use the analogy of a women's menses for rebirth. For every cycle, a woman's womb begins anew. After some thought, my biggest problem with the crone association with rebirth is a crone ceases menstruation so therefore is not part of this cyclical renewal. My other confused thoughts about this tradition also stems from the slightly male-hating and extremely women-celebrating nature. (I like guys, work with them and they dominate my profession) After all, to get to a key point of the triple goddess, the mother stage, a women NEEDS a man to fertilize her egg so she can become a mother. Although I enjoyed the energy of these women and found them to be quite empowering, strong and intelligent, I internally need to resolve the issues of my confusion.

Only Talking About Magick?

2011-09-21T11:49:00.000-07:00

Why do we do magick? What does it take to be a powerful witch, magician or sorcerer?
Control over our lives and our inner demons? Unity with the divine? Power? Love and Light?

The image to the left is a NASA photo of the Sun.

I don't know the exact answer, A couple of years ago, one of my foremost answers to to the question would have been, "an ability to change things I have no control over". Recently, I just came to a vital epiphany that has changed my perspective. I had been thinking about this, primarily because I had to sort out in my mind what was a mere "teacher", as opposed to a "mentor". A mentor is someone who actually DOES magick and a teacher is someone who can only TALK about magick. For example, a mentor is a person who has personal experience with the meaning of each of the 72 tarot cards and can inspire people to find their own meaning, rather than performing smoke and mirror tricks about the facade of the visages.

The image above is a skeptics interpretation of the paranormal

I began to actually look for a pattern in people I consider to be highly magickal and therefore potential mentors, which has changed my definition of magick...

Magick is the manifestation of blessings through change and magick is not independent of conflict. Conflict, in and of itself, is change.

I found that highly magickal people have a combination, not all necessarily ALL, of several of the following positive attitibutes:

A realistic image of self
An earned level of respect among their peers both in and outside magick
Loving family members: parents, children and/or siblings
A significant other that Loves and Cherishes them
A job that they enjoy (or seeking a job through education)
Loving friends both in and outside magick
A skill in the arts or a craft
Intelligence and/or sensitivity
An ability to speak about and discuss many different topics
A healthy body or recovery from a major illness
A Love for beauty
An ability to laugh AND to make others laugh
Great stories about where they have been and/or what they have done

Highly magickal people also have the following traits:

They understand what it is to be a complete and utter dick.
They have made several mistakes in their magickal career that they have learned from.
They do not have a trail of hurt people in their Path because they understand abuse.
They understand and can deal with conflict in a positive manner.
They know about self-sacrifice.

Finally, true magical people are sincere and genuine. They will tell you when things are fucked up in a kind (sometimes sarcastic) way, even when they really do not want to.

Central Valley Pagan Pride Stone Soup

2011-09-18T21:24:00.000-07:00

This weekend I had the opportunity to go to the Central Valley Pagan Pride Day (CVPP) in Fresno, California. If you look up the Central Valley in Wikipedia, it's the region that includes the San Joaquin Valley and the Sacramento Valley, an area of about 280 miles by 100 miles. It's an area rich with resources, oil and agriculture. It's also an area that has been hit hard by the economy. The counties within the Central Valley have some of the highest unemployment. The culture is further impacted by pollution and poverty. It's difficult to provide for ourselves and our families, not to mention a community. Other people's needs tend to tall fall on the wayside when we can barely support ourselves. To feel a sense of community over an area that is greater than several states is very significant. I applaud the organizers of the event for their success on this effort.

At CVPP, I attended a workshop by Crystal Blanton about conflict resolution in the pagan community. I was trained in conflict resolution in college but it is a skill I try to understand and hone on an on-going basis. People tend to fear conflict but I am no stranger to it.

I recommend a conflict resolution class or workshop to anyone, especially the leaders of groups and teachers/mentors. IMHO, conflict resolution promotes understanding and validation of other's feelings. From now on, whenever I join a group I will MAKE SURE that a group has some provisions for conflict resolution, especially by the leader. The best leader, IMHO, are the ones that have no problem with communicating what I now call "uncomfortable truths" in a respectful manner.

The most significant concept of the workshop was the following idea:

Conflict is natural. We can grow from conflict. Conflict is best dealt with by developing a sense of community.

This is a very important idea for me, especially in the general pagan community and specifically in the sense of a initiatory experience. I have a Stone Soup perspective on community, in that, during rough times we should all contribute our individual, yet unique, resources to the pot for our nourishment. A community that doesn't encourage this contribution tends to lack the vital nutrients from having many different ingredients. This need is really important now that the pagan community is beginning to take off from grass roots "circles" to larger, more diverse "organizations". We're GAINING reputability. The best and easiest way to develop this sense of community, like the fable of Stone Soup, tends to be through the sharing of food and drink. Other means include the unification through the arts: dancing, music and visual expression, which also are the components of a successful Pagan Pride Day. All pagans at CVPP were allowed to express themselves positively in a supportive manner: Ecletics, Wiccans, Druids, Asatru and Ceremonial Magicians. We need this expression and unification in a community. In one of my groups, the unification is simply through the manner of dress, similarity in alcohol and tobacco. It doesn't have to be overly developed concept.

I think that pagan group ritualists already have a jump on a sense of community but oftentimes, the rite is overlooked as a means for developing both personal and group growth. In a rite, we have to work together or the rite does not work. The keys for growth are both communication and tolerance. Another overlooked trait is consistency, which I will not address in this post.

After a long Saturday, I spent a couple hours with WitchDoctor Joe's group in Visalia. During circle, each person has a chance to tell everyone a little about themselves, e.g. their path and the favorite color. A blind woman tied the idea of the whole weekend together for me in a single phrase:

"My favorite color is the color of tolerance"

It was truly enjoyable to taste the Central Valley Pagan Pride Day Stone Soup

Nursery Rhymes and the Tarot

2011-09-14T19:07:00.000-07:00

I had fun researching this post. Try to keep it as short as possible but there are so many other possibilities. Totally coolio.

I love fairy tales and nursery rhymes. I am type of mom that looks for the allegorical similarities of such movies like "Finding Nemo" after the 100th viewing of it with my daughter. (yes, i have seen it about a 100 times. we have gone through a VHS and 3 sets of DVDs) The origins of some fairy tales and nursery rhymes are not so Love and Light like Disney and can be quite morbid. The Grimm's Fairy Tales are a good example. If you're interested in more information about the gruesomeness of fairy tales try this site. Many fairy tales and nursery rhymes have a hidden meaning to them and since many were passed down through an oral tradition, they provide valuable insight about our history and ourselves. My Builder of the Adytum (BOTA)studies has inspired me to contemplate the hidden meanings of the tarot. Like everything else, I try to find those things in my mundane Life that I can correspond to my occult studies. What better place to correlate a hidden meaning of the tarot with a relatable hidden meaning of nursery rhymes?

The Fool /Lil Bo Peep

Little Bo-peep fell fast asleep,
And dreamt she heard them bleating;
But when she awoke, she found it a joke,
For they were still a-fleeting.
Then up she took her little crook,
Determined for to find them;
She found them indeed, but it made her heart bleed,
For they'd left their tails behind them.
It happened one day, as Bo-peep did stray
Into a meadow hard by,
There she espied their tails side by side,
All hung on a tree to dry.
She heaved a sigh and wiped her eye,
And over the hillocks went rambling,
And tried what she could, as a shepherdess should,
To tack each again to its lambkin.

The High Priestess/ Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?

The Devil /Pop Goes the Weasel

All around the mulberry bush
The monkey chased the weasel;
The monkey thought 'twas all in good sport
Pop! goes the weasel.
A penny for a spool of thread,
A penny for a needle-
That's the way the money goes,
Pop! goes the weasel.

3 Cups / Rub a Dub Dub

Hey! rub-a-dub, ho! rub-a-dub, three maids in a tub,
And who do you think were there?
The butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker,
And all of them gone to the fair.[1]

8 Pentacles/Itsy Bitsy Spider

Itsy Bitsy spider climbing up the spout
Down came the rain and washed the spider out
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain
Now Itsy Bitsy spider went up the spout again!

Ten Swords /Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses, And all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again!

That's F#&kng Depressing!

2011-09-08T13:56:00.000-07:00

I suffer from situational depression and I can be described as a sensitive individual. It has gotten better, whereas, a depression cycle used to last an entire seven year period, it is now down to only months. People in my former group used to tell me all of the time to stop being so sensitive. It was like asking me to stop breathing. I naturally sense and see the world in a different way, not the typical or average manner. I have been sensitive like this literally since I was a toddler. Using my experience within the blogosphere and my online social networks, IMHO, mages tend to be of higher intellect and sensitivity because our realm requires it to be successful. Intelligent and sensitive people are more prone to depression so when you add the elements of self-discovery of life, death and resurrection to the mix, you automatically get that cycle of happiness, depression and neutrality. WE have a predisposition to depression as intellectual magicians. I have a VERY DIFFICULT time with believing that happy-go-lucky fluffy bunny BubbleHead Mac Big-Moon-Bottom is a powerful occultist. FUCK THAT SHIT!!! Just like the dark, Light can be quite blinding too.

There are several ways to be intelligent or gifted: linguistically, logically/mathematically, spatially, kinesthetically, artistically and socially. Unfortunately, as an intelligent or gifted child grows, develops and learns, a few other traits are neglected and are not nurtured. IMHO, this is the reason why "nerds" and "geeks" are often ostracized. They do not develop adequate foundations in the areas, for example artistic or kinesthetic skills, and so therefore become strange or odd to average people. This retardation of growth is further exacerbated by the fact that since these kids are "so bright" they are often left to fend for themselves or made to figure it out themselves, despite the fact that they lack the skills necessary to build those deficient areas. I was told by a teacher/witch friend of mine that the worse discipline problems tend to be with the very smart or with the [lower IQs]. Our prison population is a testament to that since there is an above average high intelligence demographic. This awkwardness in intelligence has a potential to endure an entire lifetime to the point where we move from the stereotypical image imposed externally to a type-casting imposed internally (self-degradation):

Sad and Pathetic?

Is this ALL that we are?

I think depression is one of our biggest obstacles as magicians. I prevents us from realizing our full potential. In some cases, we become the perfect Borg of the nerdy caricature.

I don't claim to be an expert but I know what has helped me. First of all, identify the symptoms of depression. (This for me is the HARDEST PART) We are all good at fooling ourselves, especially with hedonism. Second, I realized the bouts of depression are cyclical so therefore inevitable. I realized after about 21 years that my cycle of depression was about 7 years. Third, find yourself a good support network of family, loved ones, friends and resources. Finally, and this is the most important, take yourself out of your comfort zone and strengthen the weaker areas. If you are typically a logical intellect, go take a yoga class.

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know. - Ernest Hemingway, author and journalist, Nobel laureate (1899-1961)

Be gifted, be balanced, be happy and become a sorcerer, the ultimate magician.

Gate of Jupiter II: Planet Versus Deity

2011-09-06T12:55:00.000-07:00

In a recent sidebar conversation, a scholarly friend (Frater L for the time-being) of mine asked me a question. He asked me about my previous reference to Jupiter as a deity versus Jupiter as a planetary influence. I am a little intimidated about his level of knowledge and I know that I do not see things as other people do. I always appreciate Frater L's points although he can be quite sardonic. He reminds me of a skilled and competitive swordsman, whereas his sword are his carefully executed words. My dear friend, Soror J, pulled the whole concept of the swordsman and sword analogy together for me by saying the following words:

Without friction the blade will not sharpen.

I agree with her wholeheartedly but I will write more about this in a later post. I was hesitant to respond to Frater L but I did so anyway. Here was my response to him:

I don’t write like the other bloggers and I probably never will. I am not a scholar so I use my own level of expertise in the sciences as an engineer and my personal experience as a single mom as an analogy for my studies. My studies will continue to the day I die and I will never claim to be an expert.

IMHO, Jupiter as deity vs a planetary influence is the same argument as the point /wave argument of Light or as it is more commonly known as the particle/wave argument. The deity acts as a wave in that it provides humans with an interactive model. The wave form provides something we can relate to and is tangible to the untapped regions of our brains. With respect to (WRT) Jupiter, the deity energy model is endothermic. As far as the planetary influence, it behaves similar to the Sun, in fact Jupiter emits more frequencies than the Sun. The planet provides energy to humans and is independent to our own experiences. WRT Jupiter, the planetary energy is exothermic

In my personal experience as a single mom/caretaker of a dying parent, an equivalent analogy is used for the deity vs planet discourse. WRT myself, like the planetary influence, I influence my two children, provide a setting for their growth but their everyday Life choices are ultimately their own. WRT myself, like the deity, when I was caring for my dying mom, I had very little influence on her established belief system or directly on her growth (her identity was shaped by her upbringing and a reflection of her own choices in Life) but I had the ultimate choice about her Death.

22 Symbols

2011-09-04T21:05:00.000-07:00

I was telling Mr Dear Readers in a earlier post how I knew it was time to call my Goddess Sister because I saw three happenstance occurrences of visions of her symbol in my everyday life (since the end of the retrograde.

Today, I saw 22, in less than 24 hours. I had to sit at a table and make a list of them. Her symbol is not a common one. It's not like a circle or a 5-pointed star or a swirl. The symbol is pretty unique. It's not like you see it everyday.

The symbol sighting corresponded to some epiphanies I have had. It is time. Fortunately, I got back on to the horse that threw me with a running start. Now for your listening enjoyment, Linkin Park, Waiting for the End. Less than a handful of people will understand my personal meaning for the song. Find your own meaning, the lyrics may be significant to you too.

The Gate of Jupiter

2011-09-04T19:20:00.000-07:00

A good friend of mine gave me this image. She said it reminded her of me. With Jupiter in the background and several other objects in the picture, I am inclined to agree with her.

Until just recently, I have not been able to write about a group that I have been in. I alluded to my Work several months back when I began writing about my Jupiter angel (Jupiter Angel posts 1 and 2), my sweet daughter. I didn't write about it because it just wasn't time yet. I am not a name dropper (well, except for the coolio Rock Star Holy Man and the reference below) and would rather have people respect me for my work, not for who I know.

The work is done solitary, but simultaneously with a group according to the planetary hour and day, specifically the planetary influence of Jupiter. The group is called the Gentlemen for Jupiter, which includes a set of very distinguished, scholarly, experienced, and well-respected occultists. I am very proud to be in the group.

From the very beginning, I was intrigued because I felt the Work would provide a nice setting and experience with my future intentions to work with Goddess Sister. It has...no doubts about it. I came upon the work about April, the same time period I began my extensive research on the Goddess Sister. Unlike other groups, there are no intentions to teach and no issues with initiation, only the intentions to honor deity. I liked that. My family roots are deep set in the traditions of honoring our deities and ancestors so in a way, the work seemed very natural to me. I also liked that the group is very respectful towards Christianity. My beloved mom and most of my blood family are Catholics and it hurts me to read about so much Christian-bashing (except fundies).

Jupiter (Zeus) is an interesting force to deal with, in that, the deity is both a god and a planetary influence. Both basic attributes come into play in the Work. Jupiter is the god of thunder and lightning and the planetary influence has the attribute of expansiveness to it. Since my Life was very much in transition, I felt the Work would provide me a means to rebuild and grow my "Kingdom". What I did not anticipate was the amount of cleansing and purification that would come about. It has been both tumultuous and empowering. The means for expansion was only really provided when I began to figure out the parts of my Life that required cleansing, lots and lots of water, like the rain from a flooding storm.

Within the last 4 months, I can say that many blessings have been bestowed upon me, the greatest of which I will call "resources". When the ruler of a Kingdom is building. she/he takes advantage of the greatest resources within their region. A good ruler also learns their talents, best advisers and loyal allies. After the storm has flooded the region and rebuilding must commence, you first set the lines for your foundation. Then you lay your cornerstones, build your foundation and build your Kingdom. The Work has provided me with the cornerstones and the building materials. I have to admit, I have been very surprised and taken aback with my resources because in some situations, it has NOT been what I expected it to be. The cleansing had alot to do with that. You know that trippy little epiphany of sight after cleaning your glasses of all of the filth? Well, it's sorta like that.

I will not go into great detail about the Work. The rite is done in accordance with Frater Rufus Opus', Gate of Jupiter. The man is respected worldwide. From my own personal experience, I will say he is indeed a scholar, a truly experienced magician and a wonderful writer.

A Hymn For A Sense

2011-09-02T20:30:00.000-07:00

My Divinity Work towards Goddess Sister continues. I began her work in April. Unfortunately, since she is so obscure, I have not found anything besides her background information. I was hoping to find a hymn or a prayer, the Word, in her honor but to no avail. I will have to write my own. I intend to use my research within her pantheon and use some of the other hymn and prayers as an example language. The information I use will only be trusted sources, such as archaeological findings, respected texts and scholarly documents. I have also listened to some of the sacred music from the region for ideas on intonations, vibratory methods and chants ...The Speech. I have taken great care to research her Instruments.

Her lamen will be very simple. I will use some gold leaf to craft it. Her seal is very easy, I obtained her seal from the archaeological documentation. Since I am not sure what else to put on the lamen, it will probably only have her seal on it. I am debating whether I should make it more elaborate. I have some ideas, using my findings on the symbols in her pantheon. I also intend to use some Sacred Geometry in the construction of the lamen. As an engineer, Sacred Geometry has been something that has interested me from the start. My ability to understand it is well within my mundane level of expertise but I really need to study upon the spiritual aspects more.

As I mentioned in my post a while back, I also consulted with other people, specifically a person educated about her culture and an astrologer. The culturalist gave me some hints on how to approach her and what her general demeanor would be. Since Goddess Sister's status was high within her pantheon it was important to me that I pay her the proper respect. This is not a deity I want to forcibly conjure and demand her to do my bidding. I do not want her to be my "bitch". I want her to be an ally and an advisor. I am certain that if I do not pay her proper respect, the rite will not go as planned. As for my consultation with the astrologer, he made it very clear to not plan the rite during the most recent retrograde. He also gave me a hint on the electional astrology.

As far as my personal preparation, I have been immersed within her culture. I try to read or watch things relating to the society from where she emerged at least 3 times a week. I have been doing so for about 4 months now. I also augment this with contemplations on her seal or her lore. I have been doing the contemplations almost daily. Since much of her attributes are subjects I have been interested in and complements the rest of my on-going spiritual work, the incorporation into my daily Work has been an easy endeavour.

I have received my Visions that it is time to call her, which consisted mainly of 3 happenstance occurrences of seeing her symbol in my mundane, everyday Life.

Why do I want to conjure her?

I desire the Sense and Understanding

For Sense and Understanding seem to differ, because the one is material and the other essential.
But unto me, they appear to be both one, or united, and not divided in men, I mean.
For in other living Creatures, Sense is united into Nature, but in men to Understanding.
But the Mind differs from Understanding, as much a God from Divinity.
For Divinity is… from under God, and Understanding from the Mind, being the Sister of the Word or Speech, and they the Instruments one of another.
For neither is the Word pronounced without Understanding, neither is Understanding manifested without the Word.
Therefore, Sense and Understanding do both flow together into a man, as if they were infolded one within another.
For neither is it possible without Sense to Understand, nor can we have Sense without Understanding.
And yet it is possible (for the time being), that the Understanding may understand without Sense, as they that fancy visions in their Dreams.
But it seems unto me, that both the operations are in the Visions of Dreams, and that the Sense is stirred up out of sleep, into awakening. - The Divine Pymander

Do You Believe What You See?

2011-09-01T17:18:00.000-07:00

DO YOU BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU SEE?

WILL IT HELP IF YOU PUT YOUR GLASSES ON?

MAYBE, YOU NEED TO LOOK A LITTLE CLOSER?

WHICH ONE IS REAL AND WHICH ONE IS THE ILLUSION?

PERHAPS, IT WILL HELP IF YOU STEP BACK A LITTLE?

The Land Of Sun and Air

2011-08-31T12:29:00.000-07:00

The territory for my day job is focused mainly within the desert. Over the years, I have developed a fondness for the region and it's ecology with its desert tortoises, Joshua Trees and golden eagles. The summers are quite hot (up to 107, degrees Fahrenheit on average) and the region is plagued by high winds (up to 75 miles per hour). My region is literally the Land of Sun and Air, so much that these have become my major clients in my day job:

I have developed a Love for the area because significant parts of my identity are also Sun and Air. As magicians can we learn from about ourselves from a specific climate? I believe so. If the Land of Sun and Air was a person, I would relate to them and have common interests. I think the biggest lesson we can learn about the climate of the region is how the other elements play their roles within that specific location.

In the desert "system", there is very little precipitation and few bodies of water. Water is precious in the region and has to be conserved and respected. I use this same analogy for myself, the watery qualities within myself require extra care and tending, otherwise the system that is "me" tends to break down and become toxic. My emotions are a good example of these fluid qualities I need to tend to. I have to constantly check where my emotions are, otherwise they get the better of me and overcome me. (A task that is easier said than done for this Leo Sun and Aquarius Rising.) There was one example that I learned from my years ago, it was an oasis in an otherwise very dry area, Owens Lake due north of the Mojave Desert . Many years ago, the metropolis of Los Angeles, California used the lake as drinking water and after many years deplenished the lake of water. The dessication of the Lake caused damage to the region in a way that illustrates what happens when water is neglected within the Land of Sun and Air.

The dust (earth) that used to be under the Lake has poisoned the Land of Sun and Air making the air unbreathable/unhealthy and visibility conditions to be very poor. The lack of the little bit of water contained within the region has had this effect. Neglect the water and you no longer have the beauty of the Land of Sun and Air. You can no longer see or breathe.

Magick Scatological PFD

2011-08-23T16:20:00.000-07:00

This post was inspired by a recent discussion at a Tribe meeting, my beloved eclectic pagan group. We were talking about the difference between high magick and low magick. I was able to bring up some pertinent details and personal experiences of what I believed to be the difference. I am in no way an expert. The highlights of my statements about the discussion were, "you end up bringing up alot of crap" and "it's not all about Light and Love"

People like to talk shit. I am not immune to this. When you talk enough shit and you are doing the Work, you end up shoveling shit. As with any process, I tend to think in an engineering perspective, so I came up with a PFD. A process flow diagram or PFD is a diagram that shows the sequential steps of a process or operation. A PFD is like a map of a process with direction indicators and landmarks. Here is my own magickal scatological PFD (with some narrative):

First you have to shovel shit. This is a stinky back breaking job, not for the faint of heart or the weak. You can probably conjure... i mean... hire some manual laborers, AKA (in the magickal world) minions, to do the job but you run the risk of not having your shit in the right place or stinking up your house if you let minions inside ...nothing worse than stinkin' minions. If you are shoveling your own shit, you are most likely doing high magick. Be careful not to concentrate too hard on shoveling shit because if you do, you run the risk of going bat shit crazy.

===>

Next you get some seeds to plant in your shit. It could be flowers, veggies, fruits, trees or whatever. Keep in mind, not all seeds will grow in your crap. Plants have nutrition requirements. Be careful what you feed you poop generator, because garbage in is garbage out. Regardless of the type of seed, you will have to stick you fingers in your poop to plant the seeds. Its a good idea to plant your seeds where they will get some Sun, because the last time I checked, seeds cannot grow by the beams of the Moon or the twinkle of Saturn ...or whatever (we need real Light, peoples)

===>

Please note: if you're talented enough to know how to make your own tools, that probably means that you progressed enough karma to make the job of the Great Work a lil easier but the fact still remains you still have to deal with your shit.

===>

Finally, you need to tend to your seeds, Love them. Give them water and sunlight. Pick out the weeds that might also grow in your crap and choke out your seeds. If you're persistent and determined, the seeds will grow. This is the low magick part of the process.

LVX

Seeing Envy with Broken Glasses

2011-08-17T17:00:00.000-07:00

Wow.

This woman is so beautiful.Great hair. Flawless skin. Wonderful bone structure. Lovely big beautiful blue eyes. She must have a LOT of money, look at those expensive earrings and lipstick she has!!!See how she seems almost chameleon-like in her photo?At the right, she seems to be so discriminating, yet practical. At the right she looks so sexy. In the middle she looks like a young innocent girl. I am so envious of her. I wish I was her. She has it all!!

This "woman" is a 10 year old girl and this ad is a page from French Vogue. I am not really envious of her. I was just trying to prove a point. I couldn't ever be envious of a young girl because my nurturing instinct kicks in. A ten year old little girl should be playing jump rope.

The advertising world is based on and dependent upon the concept of envy, without it they wouldn't be able to sell anything through print ad, commercials and billboards. Women, especially, are bombarded with such ads, like the one above. People are constantly bombarded with images that they are insufficient or substandard and they need some material item to make their life better. I do not subscribe to this concept.

Envy is another one of those 7 deadly sins and is ruled by the planetary influence of the Moon. Envy is the desire for other's traits, beauty, social standing, talents or situations. Envy is a sin because the emotion is a representation of our overwhelming desire for worldly items. It is also a sin because the desire causes resentment toward the other person since the person who is feeling envious lacks that particular trait or item. I never really had a problem with Envy until recently. If I wanted something, I went and got it. If it required some work, I did it. If I did not get what I wanted, it wasn't meant to be. No big deal. A feeling of insufficiency is more of a state of mind than an actual condition.

Then, I lost it and for the first time in my adult life... I began to feel envy. I asked myself, "What the hell is wrong with me"? I was saying things and acting in a manner that was...well...NOT ME. The emotion slowly, yet strongly, overcame me. Did you know that envy leads to anger??? I felt like I was becoming a lunatic because the emotions were controlling me and overcoming me.
I decided that I couldn't become a lunatic. I don't have the luxury of sitting around for years dwelling on my issues. My friends were urging me on and being supportive of me. I have a job to do... and above all, my kids were depending on me. That nurturing aspect of the moon brought me back to center away from Envy. That was the key for me...coming back to center and focusing on what I have and not worry about my perception of someone else.The keys to my breakthrough were...focus and perception. The epiphany came when I broke my eyeglasses. The incident also happened to occur about the same time my chronic health condition was causing my eyesight to fail even worse. When I went through this temporary major loss of eyesight and I am really far-sighted, I realized some things about myself:

Sometimes, I have to step back in order to see the whole picture.

The image I perceive may not be the reality of the situation

The image I perceive tends to be darker than actual reality.

The image only provides a 2 dimensional representation, ie it lacks a component of dimension.

The mirror does not display the environment or the setting of reality

Note: The ad displayed above reminded me of this painting, Pablo Picasso's Girl Before a Mirror. In order to see Envy from a cubist's perspective, you have to step out of the box.

Mercury Retrograde?

2011-08-16T09:53:00.000-07:00

This is a favorite video for many engineering students, the Tacoma Narrow Bridge AKA Galloping Girdie. This is what happens when engineers neglect to consider the harmonics of the wind and the bridge. The phenomena is called aeroelastic flutter. Yet another way, I have been told over and over to consider and balance the forces.

Since the characteristic issues of the retrograde involve travel and communication issues and therefore "AIR", I wonder if this incident happened during Mercury Retrograde?

Cut and Paste Is a Deadly Sin

2011-08-13T11:44:00.000-07:00

Cut and paste is a version of the deadly sin of Sloth. I know because it's been killing me, literally. I have been having problems at work with my technical reports. They keep being kicked back by my boss, something that was both totally embarrassing and frustrating to me. It has taken me months to figure out the common problem. When you work as long as I have in my profession, you tend to amass a great deal of information that can be "copy and pasted" into subsequent similar reports, a practice that can be quite deadly for one's reputation as an engineer. My profession requires an attention to detail, something that cannot be done with a "boilerplate"approach.

I finally figured out what my problem was when a close friend of mine, who uses boilerplate language frequently, started to piss me off a great deal (the sin of anger). There's only a couple of times I can stand listening to the same old catch phrase before someone starts to sound like a used car salesman to me. Who in their right mind trusts a used car salesman? I don't. They reek with profit, over customer service. Profit is a version of the deadly sin of gluttony. More on anger and gluttony in a later post.

Sloth is very unique in that the trait of non-activity. Sloth is "sluggishness of the mind which neglects to begin good... [it] is evil in its effect, if it so oppresses man as to draw him away entirely from good deeds." Thomas Aquinas

Sloth is ruled by the planetary influence of Saturn, which was very counter-intuitive me for a long time because when I think about the Saturnian associations of rules, regulations, laws and orders, I think of the legal system, which used to be associated only with "good deeds" in my mind. I used to think that until I got totally screwed by the legal system. In my mind I was thinking: "But...But...the law will protect me. I will come out ahead because I am a good person." I had to face the fact that the law does not care if I am a good person or a bad person, it does not "care" at all. Laws cannot "care". Only people care. And then I remember the tidbit of wisdom:

Unbalanced severity is cruelty and oppression.

It is the word "oppression" that is the key in the Aquinas quote and the "unbalanced severity" quote.

Laws only address issues that are codified and laws tend to be a reactionary action.

Rules do not consider unique circumstances and reactionaries tend to oppose progress.

Sloth is like the Borg in that it opposes individuality and growth outside of the boundaries. The Borg have no passion and are purely mechanical

When faced with an uncomfortable situation, it is very easy to fall back to sloth, to be lazy or to be oppressive.

So what is the solution to sloth?

Get moving. Let go. Be free.
Have passion.
Celebrate and honor individuality.
HAVE FUN
Simple, huh?

Fear is Failure

2011-08-12T11:43:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about fear lately because the emotion is a mechanism for anger. I really do not have a lot of fears, at least I don't think I do. Perhaps, I have been desensitized. I am not extremely cautious about the things I do but I do prescribe to "calculated risks". For a recent tarot class, I came across four wands, all court cards. My analysis of fear and calculated risks has been so extensive that it showed up in my interpretation of the cards, which was the process of empowering oneself to preclude fear. The example of the martial arts came to mind. If one has a fear of being physically attacked, they could learn the martial arts. They could become so good at it that they make the discipline into something with their own style. After the process, the fear of being physically attacked is eliminated. I guess empowerment is the key to preclude fear. In my last post, I mentioned a particular means of empowerment, a voice.

Now, as I travel my Path, I tend to look for what I call "messages from the God/dess". It's typically little snippets of wisdom that contain a common word or concept that are spoken by a friend/family member, written on a billboard, posted to somebody's blog or any manner of places. Since I have a freakish memory for processes, I can usually connect the dots. The message usually screams at me for attention and hits me with a clue by far right across my head, "WOMP!!" "OW!!! That hurt!!" My mentors also have a tendency to say things too. Here are a summary of my "fear" quotes, which culminated with a reference to the last quote in a friend's blog today.

"Fear is failure"

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself” - Franklin Delano Roosevelt First Inaugural Address

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” -Yoda

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon

"and they were afraid to come near him." --Exodus 34:29-30
"...a warm smile works well for a veil" -Frater Rufus Opus

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain" -Frank Herbert, Dune Series

I think that PRETTY much sums up the wands tarot court cards...

Today, a significant change also occurred in my life. One that I could only deal with by facing my fear of something. My on-going legal battles completely halted as a result of it. I still need to Work on the issue more but I THINK I am heading in the right direction.

A Voice

2011-08-10T18:44:00.000-07:00

This rant was formed from my own opinion ...and most of all, my experience.

I try to teach my kids that a wrong followed by a wrong doesn't make a right. It's my duty as a mom but I know all too well that sometimes that's not enough. Voices need to be heard and ears need to be opened with compassion. Sometimes, people need to have someone speak for them because the words do not come as readily to them like other people. Kids, in particular, require this augmented voice. I always say, "You have to be an advocate for your children." When a child is acting out at school, cannot understand their feelings nor can express them, sometimes mom and/or dad have to talk to the teacher and mention, "there has been problems at home"

All of this reminds me of the saying, "With power, comes great responsibility".

As a mom, I have a responsibility for speaking up for my children. I also have responsibility to allow my kids to experience the consequences of bad choices and not enable them into bad behavior. As a loving parent, it was very difficult for me not to run after my first born and fix every little mess he made. Everything was a handout for my first born, which caused him to be lazy and gave him little motivation to figure out and do things for himself. He was bored, resentful and filled with angst (what teenager is not?). I had to realize that after years of speaking and thinking for him, he had the tools and he just had to get off his ass to do it himself. Once I did this, he was even angrier... angrier that I was no longer giving him handouts, scared that he had to make his own decisions in unknown territories and take responsibility for himself. He acted out like he did when he was a child, which only stopped until he realized that he had the power of his own voice.

My Dear Readers already know I like to speak in analogy and I will rarely ever make an outright political statement in this venue.

I do not condone my actions as an enabling parent nor do I condone the acts of a voiceless person, child or adult. But I do ask one question in both situations now, who has the power of a voice and therefore the responsibility?

Mourning and Remorse

2011-08-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in a earlier post that I had a couple of significant changes in my Life, changes that were learning experiences but quite painful. I am now able to write about it. The change caused me to go into a tailspin of mourning and remorse, something I have never really experienced in my life because I have never caused the death of anything.

My Dear Readers should have been able to ascertain that I was part of a group of sisters that celebrated the Full Moon together. When they formed they group, they made me aware of it and noted that they were not going to include me and did not want me to misunderstand their exclusion. I knowingly accepted. I told them I was okay with it since I really considered myself more of a magician than a witch. After a while, they changed their minds and asked me to be part of their group. I told them I would join but that I would always consider myself a mage, and the way I would do the rituals would be CM-flavored and scripted. A very predominant style of the sisters' magick was an "ad lib" or rough outline type style. I should have kept to my original intent of only scripted rites.

The times we spent together were absolutely joyous for me. For the first time in my life, I felt like one of the girls, instead of one of the guys, who just so happens to have a larger bosom. Quietly, I kept from them the secret that the group was the first "just the girls" social group I had been in for 20 years. Getting used to that much estrogen was almost too overwhelming for me, especially since we practiced during the Full Moon. I overcame the discomfort by learning to be "totally in the moment", something I could do because I felt Love and Trust with those women.We shared our victories and we lent our patient ears to each others problems after each rite.

The end came to our group at the last Full Moon, the Moon of 1001 Obeisances. The gist of the moon rite was a focus on both leadership and service, in that a good leader must also know how to serve, particularly situations where thanks may not be offered. I performed the opening CM style since calling the quarters totally Wiccan style is still a challenge to me. I decided I would not perform the rite with a complete script and wrote only a rough outline.

During the rite, I explained to the women, that, as leaders of our homes, our professions and of our pagan community, we learn that it is NOT all about being just the queens of our Kingdoms, it's about paying service to our families, our jobs and our brothers and sisters in the community, thanklessly. It takes Work. For the main body of the rite, I had each of the pay a service to each other and then promise a community service which would be performed without thanks and without sharing the knowledge of it with others. The payment of service to each other involved two sisters facing each other while one sister adorns the other with a crown, anoints the other with some essential oil, feeds a slice of summer fruit and serves the other a glass of wine. The two sisters would exchange positions and then the other sister would pay the service to the other woman. The community service was represented in letters from the service made into a talisman, which was charged and offered to the goddess. In my personal solitary work, I typically have a script handy with most of the words I need. The movements within the rite are also predetermined, especially since I work alone.

The rite was not successful. I made a very newbie mistake and it has been a source of shame and inner anguish since... because it was the cause of the breakup of our circle. It was not directly my fault but my innocent mistake set the wheels in motion.

It was the movements in the rite that messed us up and I should have planned for. I put two women together who were having issues with each other. The emotions and discomfort ripped through our circle of sisters, something I was not wary of until it was too late. Later I was accused of "meddling magick" and the sisters decided that they no longer wanted to practice under such discomfort. Although I believe I was cleared of any accusations, I still feel intense sadness.

I can only describe the feeling I felt in one way when the "egregore" of my circle sisters subsided. It was like a favourite family pet dying or being "put down" to sleep. It hurt, right down to my core and I felt remorse... and above all, I was in mourning.

Everything flows out and in;
Everything has its tides;
All things rise and fall;
The pendulum-swing manifests in everything;
The measure of the swing to the right, is the measure of the swing to the left;
Rhythm compensates.”– The Kybalion.

A Ton Of Bricks

2011-07-29T16:54:00.000-07:00

I sat there at my desk at work...reading... studying ...a single string of discussion on Facebook, like the technical reports I read every single day.

Had to put it aside because the information was vying for my attention from my professional work.

Each post and response written in elegant English, written in a writer's tongue with the precisions of a science writer, the persuasiveness of a newspaper editorialist and the prose of a poet. No fluffy bunny-isms... no attempts to finagle other people with flowery words or avoid the topic...just pure knowledge, presented in the context of Life.

Arguments posed in rhetorical form rather than immature attacks on personality. Assumptions provided to the discourse with more than adequate basis. Pertinent details given in an ordered manner and valid conflicting viewpoints addressed.

...and then it hit me, like a ton of bricks....an epiphany that brought me great joy and great sadness.

I was being taught knowledge within the context of Life.

For those of you who know me, you understand the significance and the hardship that I will soon face.

Got Agape?

2011-07-18T22:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader, I know I have not written for quite sometime but I have had some severe blows in my personal life that were debilitating but has provided me with much growth, a result of the Work that I present here... This post was actually written over a week ago and finished tonight.

Pre-prologue

I have been struggling with this post because I was afraid it would sound something like a seven year old's summary of their "boring" summer vacation:

"I had a good time over summer vacation. My summer was fun. I did many things. We lit some fireworks on the 4th of July and had a barbeeque. I had fun. We went to the park and rode our bikes many, many times. It was fun..."

I had a couple of summers like that when I was a kid, mainly because my dad was already blind and traveling was difficult for all 9 of us. I read alot during those boring summers but with 20/20 hindsight they seemed like a pretty decent summer vacation to me.

PROLOGUE
Somebody told me just recently that I only want to hear GOOD things, an implication of selective hearing. Well, I DON'T. I have constant reminders how fuck up the world is and how fucked up my own response mechanism is, on a regular basis. The only thing I can do is try to just work through these things and find a solution, like a ruler of her kingdom, carefully trying to figure out what is best for prosperity I have built while continually battling my own inner enemies. In my day job, I quietly and professionally lend my expertise to saving our environment and quietly, yet privately, fume over the fact that corporate pressure and red tape hinders much progress and innovation. In my private life, I get strongly jealous, cannot handle the pressure and fly off the handle when a person seems to be encroaching upon territory in my personal life. Like the large corporate companies, sometimes I cannot handle even the smallest competition and sometimes I react with sword drawn, fiery eyes, resentment in my throat and ready to kill whatever may kill me first. In some cases, both professional and personal, the threats are real but mainly I battle with the demons that reside within myself. Pretty fucked up, huh? A little dose of Mars will exacerbate that. A little dose of Venus heals that anger and defensiveness.

EPILOGUE
I am in a international cult of magicians, very different from the other groups I lend my energy to or study with. Over the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling the energy of this group, ramping up like a turbine. I joined the group because I was grounded from another group and frankly, I require the on-going practice of ritual magick for my personal learning. The timing was perfect and reminded me of the saying, "when one door opens...". I do not call myself a "witch" because I am a ceremonial magician. I do this Work because I gain much benefit from the ritual and the symbology associated with the ritual. The group was not formed as a teaching group, but rather as a group of magicians that get together and honor a deity. A group of people unified together using the occult sciences to tap into something bigger than ourselves but activated by our own Will. The "something" is a term another member so eloquently described as "Agape". In my mind and heart, this group was equivalent to groups focusing on solar energies or groups that were formed to honor the Full Moon.

Agape was a term I previously associated with Christianity. I do not have the hangups with Christianity like some people do so I still try to relate to the concepts and teaching presented by the religion. (After all, who am I to be disrespectful of my 90 year old aunt quietly doing her own magic by paying her respects to the Virgin Mary and praying to her beloved Jesus Christ) The energy I felt that was ramping up like a turbine was Agape, which has generated a strong egregore.

POST EPILOGUE
So what does all have to do with my quiet disdain towards accusations of selective hearing, my work with the planetary energies, my on-going work with the elementals and my need to honor Christ as well as the pagan deities?

I realized long ago that in order to be one with the Universe, I have to connect with both the good AND the bad, elemental energy, planetary energy and whatever else the Universe involves, a process that is quite painful at times, but an experience I intend to continue to do.

I used to describe this feeling like an achy feeling to be home again
but now it has a name, AGAPE
or as I have ascribed with the personal meaning of "Love of the Divine"

Goddess Sister

2011-07-08T12:37:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I wrote about my Goddess Sister work. Other projects have taken precedence. I have continued to try to find more information. Soror C (AKA Grandma Soror) was a great help with providing some more information I needed about her correspondences, which has validated some of my own work. Frater A gave me some valuable guidance with the electional astrology. His services usually come at great cost and he provided me with the assistance for free. In many ways Frater HB has also helped me but he is mostly unaware of the intent of my questions. I enjoy my conversations with Frater HB. He calms my fiery Leo temperament in a positive way.

I am still trying to get the hang of the whole electional astrology system. What I should have done was learn how to figure all of that stuff by hand before I obtained a computer program for it but I came across the free software before I found a good book on how to do it. I only know one person locally that can do the charts by hand and can interpret them. I have a difficult time understanding and communicating with that person. She is a nice person. I just have a hard time with her communication manner. I probably just need to get on to the Renaissance Astrology courses but I do not have that kind of money right now. Wish, Wish, Wish!!! I know Dear Reader, you're asking me, "Why go through all the trouble. That's what the software is for?" No, from the very beginning I knew it was something I could excel in, so learning the very basics, the process and getting the practice and experience is something I just need to do. Unlike most things in my life lately, I am learning at a snail's pace and I am happy to remark that I am quite pleased with my progress, even though everything has been self-taught. I haven't shared much about my Work in that area because for the most part, I really do not know anyone who is as interested in it as I am.

Even though I haven't formally called her, she has appeared to me in dreams. In many ways, it's been like finding a lost family member. When Soror C shared with me about her background, I choked back the tears. (Well, I had to, a couple of newer members of the Tribe were sitting within 10 feet of us) In some ways, it was a though she was describing me. When I finally put that lamen on, it will be like that 1st embrace from the lost family member. I know it in my heart.

I am close to choosing a date and I have the information I need for the ritual. I will be writing her ritual soon but like with the date of her rite, I am also choosing an appropriate date for writing her ritual. I have even chosen and purchased appropriate ritual clothing for her rite. I will be adorning clothing that magicians of her stature were expected to wear. I am taking great pains to make sure every detail is carefully thought out, planned and made for her Rite.

Post Script: I have recently gone through a bout of writer's block, which was just overcome this morning. The blockage was caused by a fear I have been having about losing my identity through the Work. I am not a cookie-cutter person nor do I ever want to be and the Work has made me fearful that ALL OF ME was dying. I was having a really hard time with that. I don't want all of me to die, I just want to get rid of the bad parts and improve the better parts.

I have several posts in the queue that I am debating whether I should post all today or stagger. I will probably stagger each post by a day. I have a science based post that I am working the final touches on. Through all of this, I am NEVER gonna lose that part of me. My most critical pending post is my planetary work I would like to share. I have been quite pleased with it.

The Occult Urban Science Dictionary

2011-07-05T20:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is a little deviation from all of the serious stuff. Here's a collection of tongue in cheek terminology for what I call the Occult Urban Science Dictionary. The meaning of the phrase follows the term.

Alchemical Titration: The liquid equivalent of the process of achieving the Sorcerer's Stone AKA, the Witches Water. Symptoms for achieving the Witches Water include crying like a baby and acting like a two year old when someone disagrees with you.

Book of the LOL: a liturgy done by pagan cat enthusiasts or kittehs to teh hoomins

Circumundulation: The process of walking around an altar with the additional movement of the ala-1980s version of "Walk Like An Egyptian".

Charscar: The resulting discolored callous from holding too many charcoals too long with your fingers

Dismember: When a zombie magician forgets a part of a rite.

Eggy, The Egregore: The name of a group or collective mind whose form is that of an egg held by Batman. Eggy is a representation of the Ovuniverse.

Enumliteration: A ritual magick language resulting from an offshoot group of thelemite computer programmers, in which the entire liturgy is done in numbers alone. Instead of the unicursal hexagram, the group will use the greek letter sigma, which mathematically implies "summation".

Iridescence: Seeing different colors of within an object at different angles. Description of certain magickal folk who have multiple identities or magickal names, e.g. their given name, their facebook magickal name, their blogger or follower identity, their online discussion group name, their magickal motto name and the name haters call them, AKA magickal multiple personality disorder or MMPD.

Irrational Number A number that does not terminate, such as Pi. The amount of email or calls it takes to contact your mentor or fellow frater/soror who appears to have dropped off the face of the earth.

Non Dangerous Cult: An order that practices safe sects

Nonsense: The resulting incense that has little smell or smells absolutely putrid, AKA manifestation incense

Potter-Pantheon: The resulting group of deities that will be developed in another 100,000 years after archaeologists dig up JK Rowlings tomb. The holy trinity for this pantheon will, of course, be Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley.

Pyroclastic Flow: A cloud of hot air. The resulting discussion after a well-respected blogger disagrees with another well respected blogger, AKA non-nubee argument

Tell Me How That Works For You: Are you fucking kidding me? That's insane. Your life is soon to blow up in a brilliant flash!

Thixotropic: a gel-like substance with the consistency of maple syrup. This term can be used to describe certain young magical folk who are uber-enthusiastic, fluffy bunny like and generally annoying as hell.

Yodaism: The resulting religion that will be developed after George Lucas' tomb is discovered by archaeologists in 100,000 years

If you have more, feel free to comment and I will add it!!!

Fire Works

2011-07-04T06:00:00.001-07:00

Today is the 4th of July but it also marks a very special day for me, the birthday of my blog. When I first started the blog, it was to generate input from the magickal community. Although I have obtained alot of valuable insight and input, I also rediscovered that I truly love and enjoy blog writing. I have undergone intense growth and the writing process nurtures and implements my growth.

For this blogpost, no writing... just a totally cool fireworks display to celebrate. God, I love fireworks, it appeals to my inner pyromaniac and fire sign.

Love the loud sounding, light'ning and thund'ring :D

Rock Star Holy Man

2011-06-29T18:39:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in one of my previous post that I attended a hand fasted officiated by a totally uber Rock Star Holy Man, a man who is loved worldwide. I have met him several times before but never had the opportunity to talk to him. To be quite frank, I was and still am very star struck by him. His energy is incredible and the Love that emanates from him touches everyone in the room. I have to admit, sometimes I am a little Leo conceited and although I feel Love for many, many people, there are few people who impress me instantly. He earned my Love, without even saying a word.

We stayed several nights at the Lodge where the hand fasting occurred and I had several opportunities to see him in a variety of situations. Our first real discussion occurred on a swing under the branches of a very large pine tree. His long legs pushed us on the swing whilst my shorter legs dangled above the ground like a little child. It set the tone for the child-like and awe-struck feelings the man gave me during the rest of our stay. He give me the sense of total trust, a feeling I typically do not allow myself. I asked him about his Life and his health and he shared with me like we were old friends. Since I was sure he has had the opportunity to see many wonderful places, on a whim, I asked him what was the most beautiful places he's ever been. He told me it was at the fork of two rivers in Germany with high cliffs, wine grapes and castles. In the waters, swans drift in the water, so large that he described them as "swan boats". We both agreed that the land he described was totally fairy tale-like. In my mind's eye, the magickal visualization of his fairy tale place filled my mind and my heart like honey and bergamot tea. I have hopeful intentions that I will be able to visit the place. Maybe for my next visit to Europe. He gave me Friendship and we shared Beauty.

Later that night, I was able to experience an impromptu jam session performed by him and a very talented virtuoso young violinist. The session lasted til 1AM. Not too many people know that my first Love was music. The waves of beauty and inspiration that filled the air struck me right to my very core for every strum on his guitar or bow on the young man's violin. Yes, some notes were flubbed, but not all. As they played the notes seem to dance above my head, like little ballerinas, floating in the clouds doing series of little pirouettes and entrechats. I tried to keep my eyes closed so I can experience the true beauty of the music dancing in my head. At one point during my reverie I was visited by my beloved father. Although its been 25 years since his passing, I felt his presence as strongly as if he was physically there. My dad's presence seemed to be intensified by the Holy Man's essence, sorta like a multi-pointed quartz crystal or a vitreous shard of moldavite. My dad motioned to the Holy Man with his lips (his lips were usually somberly pursed) and gave me his approval and blessing, something he has only given to two other people in my Life, besides my children. He gave me Joy and Inspiration.

We spoke several more times, one on one over the course of our stay and for several hours at a time. He told me secrets that I will keep locked in my heart. I was able to share with him about some dilemmas I have been having on my Path. He listened quietly and intently and gave me some much needed advice. I will not share the specifics of his advice, that's my mystery, except for one:

You are your own Universe

We shared a tear after his series of advice. I knew in my heart he could relate to my struggles. That's why I asked him in the first place. I am a very cynical person and for the most part I HAVE been pretty successful with my Life, I don't take advice from people who have lived life in an armchair and remote control fashion and/or cannot relate to my issues. He gave me Comfort, Respect, Understanding and Hope.

THANKS LON, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! I Love you, man!!! You definitely revitalized this lil' fiery magician (sob)

POST-SCRIPT: This is the tree we sat under during our first conversation. There was another great photo of him wearing a silly top hap with a big shit-eating grin (giggle) on his face but I didnt include it here. I wanted to include a location I discussed here in the blog. (smile)

The Smoking Book

2011-06-27T21:16:00.000-07:00

For the most part, the memories here have been suppressed for almost 30 years and have just recently surfaced upon the discovery of a book.

Like some magicians, I started doing magick when I was a teen. It was the 1980s and I was a frequent visitor to the local occult bookstore. Mostly, I looked at eastern religions, lots of meditation and energy work. By then, I understood there were other gods and deities besides the Christian god. Back then I discovered a book. It contained alot of the spiritual work I had been doing already so I was already familiar with the steps. But this book was different, it involved summoning a deity.

I purchased the book and I remember the store owner raising her eyebrows and asking me, "Are you sure you want this?" Since I was severely shy and soft-spoken, I did not respond to her. I simply gave her the crisp $20 I saved from babysitting, paid for the item, got my change and left. I still purchase my occult items in this same manner. Although I write this blog, for the most part, I am very private with the things I do. The book sat in my room hidden for several weeks. It stayed out of the eyes of my devout Catholic mother. I was a bit afraid of the book because my catholic upbringing had taught me that dealing with such things would send me to hell. The damn book kept calling me and the symbols within the book seem to float about in clouds and light above the book's hiding spot. Teenagers have such an active imaginations.

I finally worked up the courage to read the book. I read it from cover to cover whilst I smoked an entire pack of Marlboro 100s alternated with a pack of clove cigarettes. To this day, I enjoy a good dose of nicotine or cloves prior to a working. I was a lot better at memorization back then so I was able to memorize the entire rite in a couple of days. I created the deities seal, obtained the necessary accouterments, followed the instructions in the book and did the rite, albeit with a lil fear that I was going to Hell for the working. The 1st round was a complete dud and I questioned the power of the rite. It kinda reminded me of this flower smoke bombs we used to get for the 4th of July that were hard to light, spun around once and would end in a single puff of disappointing white smoke.

Shortly thereafter, during my Catholic confirmation classes the priest discussed 3 things, having respect and reverence for the Virgin Mary, god helps those who help themselves and the concept of "ask and you shall receive". I wondered if the deity would respond to the same respect and reverence. I also wondered if the intent of the rite was all wrong, instead of asking for just "power" what would happen if I ask a VERY SPECIFIC request. I was able to get past my fear of going to Hell by justifying the work as a Divine "helping myself". Besides, as a 15 year old chain smoker, I knew I was going to hell anyway.

I did the rite a 2nd time but with a stronger yet narrower focus. Whilst I did the rite, the air changed and seemed to be charged with ions. What happened during the course of the rite scared the hell out of me and I quickly ran out of the room. I didn't sleep in my room for weeks after because I could sense an entity lingering in my bedroom. The deity would hang with my ancestors in my bedroom and chain smoke cigars. Whenever I walked into my bedroom the air was thick with Cubans and spirit BO, not a pleasant odor, believe me...I felt this was their way of fucking with me and punishing me for being a chain-smoking 15 year old so it scared me enough to quit for a while.

I got rid of the book about a month later , continued my Catholic confirmation classes, quit smoking for a while, and tried my best to be a good lil Catholic girl (naughty devilish grin).

The other day I visited a small used bookstore in the small mountain town where the hand fasting was held, checked the science fiction/fantasy section, the children's section and then the occult section (save the best for last). Above the bookcase I saw a faint wafts of smoke. It surprised me at first because the wafts didn't move like normal smoke. Near the wafts, the spine of a book with a dust jacket coloured with my favourite blue caught my eye, jupiterean blue. It was a copy of the book I got rid of almost 30 years ago.

This time, I am not running from the room.

A Hand Fasting

2011-06-26T09:26:00.001-07:00

May the gods and goddesses bless two very special people that have touched my heart and inspire me with their Love.

This weekend I had the opportunity to attend a hand fasting for two very special people in my life. They have been married for 20 years and the hand fasting was performed as a renewal of vows. Occult marriages, and marriage and general, do not last that long. A twenty year marriage is a rare thing. It would have been my 20th anniversary this year too so my experience was bittersweet. These two very special people, my frater and my sister, are a great inspiration to me and to everyone in attendance. Their kindness and charity to the pagan community has continued for several years. They have opened their hearts and home to a community. I could probably say their marriage is perfect but it has had it's problems. Issues that the whole community have seen transpire... but this is what makes them an inspiration. Despite their issues, they were able to overcome the obstacles and their relationship and Love is even stronger. This is pure magick for me. It's one thing to have a sticky sweet thixotropic-type infatuation or a intensely physical and totally passionate cock in cunt attraction. But, it's another thing to maintain that special feeling of sweet tenderness, raw sexual energy AND partnership after a series of hardships and pain. Unlike some relationships, I see the couple as totally yin/yang. In the context of some other relationships, one partner is the dominant one. Not this couple, they complement each other like the black and white, swirl within the circle.

I had a great time but I cried. The ceremony really touched me. It was a gathering of not only family but close friends and a community of people that have become a family. A group of people that call each other sisters/brothers and frater/sorors. Seven very special people and one very special totally rock-star Holy Man performed the ceremony. The hand fasting rope was hand made by the druid and the circle was cast with a singing performance done by his beloved, the water witch.

The most touching part of the ceremony was actually the dancing. At one point, the couple and their three children were dancing closely in a circle. The swirls of energy and Love coming off the five of the could be seen and felt. As I watched them from a distance, basking from the warmth of the family's Love, I sent some of my magick to them, out of Love, I visualized osmostic Love clouds swirling around the circle of family, tickling Love bubbles and a totally brilliant fireworks display directly above their heads. Sweet lil heart shaped fireflies were dancing about them and beautiful singing white doves flew around within the clouds. I am not usually into fuzzy bunny magick, but for me, it was a totally Disney moment.

The Most Magickal Object In My Home

2011-06-18T00:22:00.000-07:00

The most magickal object in my home has been in our family for 19 years. It was found by my late ex mother-in-law during a round of dumpster diving. She gave it as a gift, out of pure Love. My in-laws were poor dust bowl Okies who did their time pulling the long dirty sacks pickin' cotton or pickin' fruits. Earthly possessions were always second hand because money was spent for just surviving.

My family was also poor but we were raised to have more pride in our possessions and anything we couldn't afford to buy new and by the sweat of my father's brow was simply not a necessity. Although I made it a rule never to take or use things from dumpster diving, I was instantly attracted to it and saw it's value. My pride and my ego typically would not be open to things obtained in such a lowly manner ... but the object called to me because I knew it was truly magickal.

I made sure that the object was properly cleansed and purified prior to use. Although it shows wear, it is still as valuable as it originally was and it's power has gained IMMENSE strength over the years. It has required a few repairs, but each time it is lovingly restored. In fact, I can say this object has increased in value so much that is is truly priceless and can never be replaced.

This object is immensely protecting. It is also very powerful for healing and can be very calming. Sometimes, the object can provide the user with great joy and inspiration or drive away fear and loneliness. At times, it can be provide the bearer with strength and sometimes clarity. It definitely provides the bearer with restful sleep and pleasant dreams. It has also been known to fend off demons.

What, perchance, is this intensely powerful and utterly priceless magickal object?

This is "Baby". He was given as a gift from my mother-in-law to my son when he was a baby. My son kept Baby several years and he lovingly passed it on to my daughter. Baby has been through a number of immunizations, trips to the doctor/dentist, and countless illnesses. The doll has provided comfort from separation anxiety, given companionship during bouts of groundings, provided backup against the evil warriors in spontaneous Power Ranger battles and has attended several tea parties. Baby has been camping, local parks, several museums (even our personal family favorite, the Rosicrucian in San Jose), national/state parks and around the world. He was there for homework, listened to 100s of books and a number of movies, present for every type of childhood lesson. The doll has been through 6-8 different puppies without ever being chewed on or ripped apart. Baby was also there to provide much needed comfort, solace and protection during the multitude of screaming battles, my ex and I used to have.

Baby is no longer magickal, it is now become enchanted. Sometimes, when the house is quiet, I am almost certain the doll talks to me. Maybe I am a little crazy in that regard. But let me ask you this, Dear Reader, after years of that much energy work, can you as a magician deny it's magickal power?

Conjuring Up A Suitor

2011-06-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

I haven't really been looking for a boyfriend. A good lay every now and again would be nice... but boyfriend? NAH!!! Every now and then I ask my tarot reader when she sees a relationship in the cards and she tells me this month or that month, to no avail. I have had a few crushes though. For the most part, crushes for me are unattainable people. Sometimes, crushes become obsessions. I tend to put people on pedestals when I am obsessed with them. When I am obsessed that person can "do no wrong", which tends to cloud my judgement. Nobody can meet those standards. My sisters always tell me that I have too high standards. I have to agree with that. Thank God, I have finally learned my lesson about obsession now.

Relationships take time and effort. Since I have decided I want to spend my efforts on the Path, it would not have been fair to a boyfriend that I would not have time for. My boyfriend dilemma was also worsened by the fact that my kids need my love and attention and my job tends to put me in situations where I have to work late. My kids feelings have always come first so several months back I knew that it was not time for a boyfriend when a male friend dropped me off at my home and my son became so jealous and possessive, he reminded me of a rooster showing dominance.

Things have changed over the last couple of months when it comes to dating. My son gave me his blessing on dating when he said to me, "You know mom, you really should go out and have fun more often." My kids are more mature now and they have taken a liking to "just hanging" with each other. I can leave the house after bedtime and not worry about the house burning down or World War III breaking out. I decided this weekend that it is probably be a good idea to start boyfriend searching again. For those of you who are already in relationships, let me tell you, dating for a female occultist SUCKS. Most of the good occult men are already taken and the ones that aren't, have their pick of the litter. I am not bad looking and I take really good care of my body. Unfortunately, I am not a blue-eyed blond bombshell or a brazen red-headed seductress or a sexy and sweet brunette. I don't capture the eyes of men like some other women and guys are not normally attracted to me. I realized long ago that if I wanted a boyfriend I would have to use magick.

So this Friday on a whim I decided to have a lil fun with my magick and give it a trial run. I was a lil sad and the idea of going out and letting loose was pretty tempting. It has been a while since I got laid so I decided to conjure up a potential suitor. I have had pretty good results with these types of workings in the past. The decision was on a whim because I was at work when I decided to do it during the Venus hour and waiting for another 7 hours would have not been possible. I was limited to the items in my cubicle: paper, colored pens, a small mirror, some quartz crystals and some essential oil. I created a talisman. The talisman had a sigil, a sketch of the Lust card in the background and the sign for Venus. Around the perimeter of the talisman, I wrote some bits of a prayer to Venus that I found on the internet. I hopped on to the astral plane, used what I had in my cube and asked some Intelligences that I have been working with to empower the token. The entire working took me a 15 minute coffee break, quick and dirty.

That night, I can say I successfully conjured up a potential suitor, He was at a Karaoke bar I like to hang out at. I feel protected at the bar because the manager is a long-time close friend of mine so it feels more nurturing to me than sleazy. I have never had a single guy even bat an eye at me before at the bar. Unfortunately, the suitor was not what I expected. He wore a really BAD orange and green Hawaiian shirt (QBL for Mercury and Venus) and nothing else on his ass but a pair of silky loose fitting burgundy (QBL for Mars) boxer shorts. His hair was swept back ala Farrah Fawcett style. Oh!!! Did I mention he was a complete and utter PERVERT? He kept hollering and begging for me to come sit in his lap and at one point he even grabbed my waist.... Ewwwwww!!!! After some thought my friends decided he looked vaguely similar to Robert England:

I made sure I thanked the spirits with respect for their assistance but told them I wasn't really looking for this type of man.

And NO!!! My body did not come anywhere near his lap. Ewwwww, creepy pervert!!! {{shudder}}

I will leave it up to you and your imagination, Dear Reader, on which one of the two forms he took.

Hmmmm, I wonder if I actually conjured up a demon instead?

Egregore Empathy

2011-06-10T20:56:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking alot about empathy and egregores. It's one of the lessons that has presented itself in a series of incidents over the last two to three months, which culminated today. More on the specifics of this lesson in a later post.

A tragedy happened just recently. The toddler son of a brother in one of my working groups passed away. I felt extreme sadness, despite my minimal interaction with the brother. The loss of a child is one of the greatest sorrows a human can endure. He is also in my Facebook list so I had remarked about some pictures of his children last week. I told the brother that I felt his children were extremely beautiful. I love seeing pictures of loved ones of my fraters and sorors because it reveals a deeper perspective of them, as humans. Our families and loved ones, in whatever form that may take, inspire, motivate and shape our outlook on life on a daily basis. They have a profound effect on our Will.

In the magickal blogosphere and within our groups, temples, lodges, covens, circles, groves, tribes... or whatever...we call each other frater/soror or brother/sister generally out of mutual respect and magickal kinship, despite any real blood ties. I believe it is something more for me. When I share experiences/resources and tap an egregore, I develop a spiritual familial-type bond, something that goes deeper than an associate within my profession or a fellow student at an institution of learning. I develop an empathy, which molds my understanding of the human condition in a vicarious way. Empathy is truly beneficial because this knowledge augments and enriches my own lessons in a means similar to doing my own Work but definitely stronger than that of an "armchair magician" perspective.

I share their victories... but also their deep sorrows, which is very powerful. I open my heart and REACH OUT in times of need. Any other way would be a disappointment for me.

Tonight, I am sending some compassion and kind thoughts. I will also say some prayers for him and his family.

My dear Frater or Soror Reader... would you say a prayer now for our brother and his family? When you have the need, I will save a prayer for you, as I know you will do for me...

Thank You

Merkabah: The Chariot of Ascension

2011-06-06T22:22:00.000-07:00

A little break from writing for a while. I am still recovering from an illness that has left me very weak and I am still inundated with work at my job and single parent issues. The music happens to be one of my favorite songs, Silence by Sarah McLachlan. Enjoy:

Thank you dear reader

Pachinko

2011-05-30T11:28:00.000-07:00

When I was a teen, my group of friends used to spend weekends together for spaghetti dinners, play D&D, drink the finest loose leaf tea and play the old style Pachinko machines. These are interesting games in that they are BOTH hypnotic AND LOUD. The old style machines have been replaced with ones that are more similar to a slot machine but they still use the ball bearings. The new machines don't have as many pegs in them.

I met an elderly Soror this weekend. I guessed she was in her 70s, beautiful woman who was finely dressed, great big silver ankh on her necklace and absolutely beautiful and kind smokey blue eyes. Her silvery hair was neatly swept up in a gentle bun and she smelled of fresh lavender. Her voice reminded me of a fine Stradivarius violin playing the Brahms lullaby. I anticipate more discussions with her so I will give her a name, Grandma Soror. She and I spent some time chatting. She has been doing work in an area which I have been eager to get into myself. I am so happy I found her because she has knowledge and experience spanning decades. She spends time on both coasts and she has studied with some of the old-time respected occultists in both areas.

One of the things that I found interesting about her is that she no longer concentrates her efforts on the qabalah. She told me that the qabalah work made her feel like a pinball machine. I cocked my head to the side and wrinkled my brow when she made the statement. I have been trying to identify a personal metaphor for the qabalah for quite some time. Another Frater had referred to the qabalah as a pendulum, which I also had difficulties relating to. (I will also give him a name for the same reason as Grandma Soror, so I will refer to him as Frater HB). Pendulums have very predictable motions. The Work is not quite so predictable for me.

When she mentioned the pinball machine as a metaphor for the qabalah, I got an epiphany. The qabalah doesn't feel like a pendulum or a pinball machine to me, the qabalah work feels like.. well.. .a pachinko machine:

Note: Each time a ball hits the center, the machine spits out more balls in your tray so you can play longer. In a regular game of Pachinko, the balls are traded for cash or prizes.

4 Years, Go

2011-05-30T05:49:00.000-07:00

I came across this video. My beloved sister, the Water Witch posted it on her Facebook status. I wanted to include it here in my blog because environmentalism and activism are causes that are near and dear to my heart, particularly clean air.

I am a front line, and slightly weary environmentalist by day and lingo such as "carbon footprint", "greenhouse gases" and "alternative energy" are a part of my normal everyday language. I get so busy fighting as a warrior in the battles to save our environment that I forget to stop and remind everyone that it's the little things that help the cause.

I feel everyone should be part of the solution. As magick folk, we learn the powers to invoke/evoke change so we have an even greater responsibility to do our part.

GAIA IS CALLING FOR YOUR HELP! Would you let her down if she asked you?

The Magick of Harmonics

2011-05-28T23:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am engineer. I love science. Lately I have become fascinated with sacred geometry, partly because of a post by Frater Barrabbas but my main interest has always been vibrations. Since I am classically trained, I have always understood how sound in the form of music can evoke/invoke various human emotions. Songs have planetary attributes. For example, there is no denying that heavy metal music has martial-like qualities. As magicians, we use different modes of sound eg, spoken word, chants, the vibrations of our voice or instruments like drums or bells. These sounds are used to invoke/evoke different responses. Varying frequencies send out invisible waves of energies that typically cannot be seen with the naked eye. I came across this video, which is an excellent illustration of the power of sound:

So I end this post, not with a series of statements, but with a series of questions to ponder. I am only providing a partial list because the possibilities are endless.

Given that sodium chloride is of a cubical crystalline nature, what type of patterns would the vibration table create for substances that have a different molecular structure, such as a hexagonal crystalline structure?

Could we apply the same vibration experiment to certain metaphysical gemstones in granulated form, such as rose quartz for healing, in order to create a sigil or a mandala for that particular metaphysical property?

Can the various occult symbols be "reverse engineered" through harmonic analysis in order to provide a better understanding of the nature of these symbols. For example, could we use salt and a vibration table to find out what frequency would generate the symbol for Jupiter? Perhaps, the symbol for Venus would be a better example.

Can this idea of using varying frequencies to create different patterns be metaphorically applied to an egregore in an "as above, so below, as below, so above" type methodology?

Can I borrow a laboratory, about $10k-$20k for equipment and some salt?

Crazy Occultists

2011-05-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

The other day I was called "crazy" by someone. They were totally serious. I completely disregarded the statement because I do not question my sanity. I have known some pretty crazy people in my life.

At the height of my ex-husband's drug abuse, he was crazy. He would walk to McDonald's and hallucinate that our children and I were walking on the other side of the street from him. He would hallucinate that I was prostituting myself and trying to sell the baby to the highest bidder. We purchased a home in upper middle class suburbia: good schools with a great big park in the middle. Two very large baptist churches are to the west and east of us. The local scout master lives five doors down. Very unlikely that I would be doing any human trafficking or prostituting on this side of town but the drugs made him crazy. My ex husband and I chose this neighborhood because we knew we could settle roots here. Kids need to know where their home is and moving constantly does not promote stability. After enduring a childhood of poverty, we wanted to use our education to provide for a better life for our kids.

My blood sister can be considered crazy. She lives in a home of developmentally disabled people. She became "crazy" because when she was born, they didn't give her enough oxygen so a good part of her brain doesn't function correctly. She goes through bouts of "temper tantrums", which have been controlled by medication. She has been working as a janitor for the same organization for about 20 years now. With the little money she has leftover from her paychecks, she likes to go on a special trips to the dollar store and purchase my daughter little gifts, like hand purses, or coloring books. On her dates with her boyfriend, they walk to the grocery store, purchase two single can of soda and walk the long way home while enjoying each others' company.

A good friend of mine, Big Bob, was considered crazy. He was a muscle bound adrenaline junkie with a penchant for fast motorcycles, fast women, jumping out of airplanes and extreme sports. He was the closest thing to a real life action hero that I have ever known. The man had a high threshold for pain, no mechanism for fear and tattoos and scars riddled his entire body. He used to do the annual trek on his Harley to collect stuffed animals for the local foster children organization. There is something very amusing, delightful and touching about 300 pounds of solid muscle on a Harley with a netted bag of about 20 stuffed animals on the back. His rough and tough exterior was tempered by his heart of gold.

As occultists, we are all considered crazy. We dress in funny costumes, oftentimes in the dark, wait for specific times of the moon or the stars and call forth the gods. Occultists have gemstones in our bosoms, herbs in our pockets and ancient symbols in our minds. Just one occult book is not enough and we can frequently be found in the aisles of a used book section. We believe in the Power of the human brain so we take great pains/time to acquire knowledge, to learn skills so we can make our own tools and accouterments, instead of buying it from the store. We believe in life in all things, become one with water, hear spirits in the wind and see ghosts in the smoke. Occultists have issues like every human being but we use our magick to invoke positive change. "Normal" people do not do these things so therefore occultists live on the fringe of society.

Since we are not "normal" because we do not accept the limitations of life and allow these things to restrict us, does this mean we are "crazy". No, I consider it extraordinary.

The Rapture

2011-05-24T16:45:00.000-07:00

Another side step from Tapping the Egregore

This weekend the Rapture came and went. Everyone appears to still be here. I did not see any "skyclad" Christians take off into the air. I was grateful in that I was invited to several Post Rapture events: the Post Rapture Looting, the Post Rapture Party and the Post Rapture Prank (which consisted of leaving clothing in front of a Baptist Church as if a person had been "raptured").

I instead used my Rapture weekend to cross some new boundaries and really begin to implement some positive change. With all due respect, I did not believe in the Rapture per se but I know there are people who truly believe that sort of thing. Over and over, crazy people or obscure spiritual men have predicted the end of the world and it never happens. Rob's Magick blog did a really good job on providing a list of the various Apocalypses over the last 30 years.

But really??? I see these predictions of the End of Days as a time to contemplate about my life. During the 9/11 tragedy, didn't it make us think, in the very least, about the safety of our workplaces and our family? Is it really so crazy to look at it as an opportunity to change ... whether it be the world, or just yourself.. Is it really so crazy to live like its your last day, appreciate life and hold your loved ones close to your heart? As Frater Jack has stated it would be wrong to subscribe to a fantasy world of suffering or a world lacking responsibility and pro-activism because change is contingent upon the arrival of a Saviour; but we can all see it in a different Light. We could use it as a reminder to change the World as we know it and make it better.

Pagans and Christians alike, we could all use a little more love and appreciation for what we have.

Waiting for the End would do all of us some good. (Here are the lyrics)

Ten to the Second Power

2011-05-23T18:47:00.000-07:00

I missed my 100th post. Since I have several drafts in the queue left as potential blog posts, my estimation of the 100th post was a little off. I still intend to mark the milestone with this little blurb:

Words are power and so is Silence. Silence charges the batteries of said words. Action provides for the implementation of said Power. Action speaks louder than words

First, I would like to express my gratitude to six very special bloggers. I have had the opportunity to be involved in rites, in some form or another, with each one of them. They have inspired me, encouraged me, and taught me. There are also bloggers I would like to thank that I have not yet had an opportunity to do magick with (hopefully one day), but have provided me with great friendship and fraternity. I would also like to thank several very magickal people. They are quiet and stay in the sidelines for the most part but are always in my mind and my heart. They do not need a load of words to impress me. Finally, I would like to thank my sincere readers. Although I only have 26 official followers, I know there are many more that follow my blog.

I thank these people because as a single working mom and magician, the opportunities to reach other people is typically few and far between. I have been lucky in that regard. I get misty eyed when I realized how quickly and how many people were willing to provide me support, kindness.... and Love. Actions that are indeed louder than words. As I have said in a previous post: I may not be able to see in the darkness but I can sense who is there at my side.

This weekend I intend to do a rite asking for blessings for those I thanked here.

Pagan Parenting

2011-05-23T13:16:00.001-07:00

A little side step, again, from Tapping the Egregore

Its almost summer and my sweet Jupiter angel will be out of school. As always, I have to make arrangements for her to attend summer day camp, or daycare. As a single working parent, daycare is always an issue. My beloved Tribe has always been really tolerant when I needed to take my daughter to a ritual or a class because she is well-behaved. For those concerned individuals, I always make sure that any information is family friendly. She has obtained quite an education from her attendance of said rituals and classes and I augment her learning, as I did with my son, outside of her formal education.

My daughter already has an extensive knowledge of gemstones and herbs. We take her to museums on a regular basis (even my ex-husband) and she has been exposed to the relics of several ancient cultures. She understands that there are different pantheons and she knows that mama honors the gods and goddesses of those different pantheons. My daughter also understands that when she smells incense and hears mama "singing" or "praying", it is not the time to bother me. My Jupiter angel also knows how to recognize an offering and she knows not to disturb it. Although I will leave it up to them what type of spirituality they will practice as adults, I have done everything I can to expose my children to a pagan lifestyle, except for one thing.

I will not promote or encourage a negative attitude towards Christianity to my children. My teenager has developed his own reservations but daughter has not yet developed any issues.

We live in the California equivalent of the Bible belt and there are many fundamentalist Christians here. I disagree with them about alot of stuff, especially their politics, but I live in their world and so do my children. A significant part of my dealing with fundamentalists has been my daycare situation. Pagan daycare facilities or caregivers simply do not exist or if they do, they are not advertising their lifestyle to the outside world.

The program she has been attending for the last 8 years is very active in the local community promoting their fundamentalist agenda (unfortunately) but their children activities are quite different. I always look for programs that will nurture my child and the program is still the best in the city, IMHO. They teach the performing arts, music and go on weekly field trips. They do not have daily Bible thumping activities but they do teach my child the ways to be a "good citizen". These are issues that a pagan working parent has to deal with. Do we send our children to a program that may correlate exactly or accept our point of view but is not highly superior; or do we send them to a program that cares and nurtures the spirit in the little person?

Whenever we visit the facility, outside of the summer season, it's always like coming home for my Jupiter angel. Her teachers are women she has known for all of her life and used to change her diapers. She gives them big long hugs and toothy smiles and her heart fills with warmth. She loves those Christian teachers and they love her. I cannot argue or find fault with that.

Post script: the drawing is one made by my daughter at her Christian summer daycare for my birthday last year. She told me that she wanted to be sure to put the Powers of the Sun and Stars in it.

Tapping the Egregore Part II

2011-05-19T23:50:00.001-07:00

Tonight I had every intentions to post my bit on consciousness in the context of tapping the egregore but I have been inspired to write on something different.

My post tonight is about Power. When one taps an egregore, there is an overwhelming sense of Power within yourself, from the Magick and from the other participants within the egregore. This energy encircles you like a cloud of smoke, filling all of your senses and permeates your spirit. The energy is static/dynamic, loving/harsh and good/bad simultaneously. The energy is all these qualities because the task is left to us what we intend to do with this power, which is a mightier power in and of itself. Do we use it for personal gain? Do we use it to help others?

I have always felt that, magickally invoked or not, Power becomes a Life of its own. Power possesses intelligence, a capacity to grow, the ability to die and the energy to reproduce. Power is a being that calls for the deepest level of respect. Power should never be abused or neglected but even when it is, can still yield positive returns.

My good friend Karmaghna made the statement that "making Life is bittersweet". I knew what he was talking about on more than one level but I immediately thought about my children. I am not perfect but I have always held pride for being a good mom. Being a mom (or a dad) is bittersweet. You take responsibility to nurture, to encourage and to care for a child. You struggle with their problems and celebrate their victories. You try to allow them to be all that they can be without imposing your own issues of ego or defects of personality. Parents sometimes abuse their children. People use them for their own bidding or to inflate their own egos or to overcompensate for things they lack. Power is like a child.

But children, in the worst circumstances, still have the ability to be beautiful loving people or children in the best of circumstances can grow to be horrible and hated people. I do not have an answer for this question, perhaps we should expand upon this concept in my next blog post.

Just A Little Note of Progress

2011-05-17T00:23:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have posted. My latest project has taken over a lot of my free time and I have been grateful for it. I have been presented with a large body of knowledge and I have using all of my spare time reading the material and other related works. I have also picked up a couple of fiction books, which is absolutely amazing for this little left brainer because 98% of my reading material over the last 10 years has been technical. I am absolutely loving all of it. The projects also requires a small amount of ritual preparation and planning, which has also taken up a significant amount of my time. I am grateful for the Work and I have found a great amount of inspiration in it.

The most significant result of the Work has been certain communications with what I will call "entities". I know there are other, more commonly used words for my "entities" but I am most comfortable with this term. Some entities come to me when I call them, some during altered states of consciousness and some when I hardly expect them. Each time of contact, I reach a state of awareness and peace. Well, most of the time I reach this state. Sometimes, they wake me at 3AM for several days in a row, which has not been too settling due to lack of sleep. Although the sleep deprivation has been fucking annoying, I am grateful for their tenacity. Certain messages have been conveyed to me about my personal life by the 3AM entities. I will most likely blog on my experiences with them in a future post.

It's the altered state of consciousness in the context of tapping the egregore that I intend on discussing in my next post.

Tapping the Egregore: Part I

2011-05-09T18:18:00.000-07:00

Subtitle: I seek so that I may serve

One of the phrases I encountered when I was starting to tap into an egregore was the previous statement. I liked the statement instantly. What it meant to me is that after a person begins to gain some Divine Knowledge, that person should go through the process of sharing it, giving it back, or paying it forward. What else could it mean? My expectations of other people is that they would have the same interpretation of the phrase. Unfortunately, I was sadly mistaken. Some people say the words and obviously have a different interpretation of it. Maybe they mean something else? The phrase can easily be ended with a variety of words:

I seek so that I may serve:

1.) myself
2.) the universe
3.) a really good bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich; or
4.) man

As far as Option #1 goes,I am thinking that people use the doctrines of an organization as a facade for their lack there of, inability, and/or disinterest in certain virtuous pursuits. For example, just because you're a card carrying charter member of the local National Rifle Association, doesn't mean you have any idea how to shoot a gun or have the heart to even shoot at an intruder if they began to violate your children. A person may believe in the right to bear arms, but do they really exercise that right?

If a person desires to seek knowledge so that they can serve a really good bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich, then so be it. I think that maybe they are missing the point entirely but who am I to judge such a virtuous goal of a scrumptious dish involving crispy pork fat?

Serving the universe or man are certainly very virtuous goals. The universe would include everything: self, a BLT sandwich, man and everything else! It was the phrase, "I seek so that I might serve...MAN" that I had problems with. It would seem like in certain systems, there would be that sense of fraternity, of helping others, especially within the chosen system. Unfortunately, my sense of disappointed came from the lack of this assistance from certain people. Perhaps, they are anti-social? Perhaps, our personalities just don't work well. Perhaps, they actually hate me and are merely pretending to show fraternity under the vestiges of their Oath? Maybe, they do not have the skill or expertise or the self-esteem necessary to help? Maybe, this lack of assistance was just an exercise of finding the answers myself? It doesn't matter anymore because I continue to seek the answers myself and I have moved on. It's really funny how when one door closes, three more open in its place.

But I kept thinking about it. I kept looking for the answers to the dilemma. A bit of inspiration came to me when I asked a very simple question posed to a group of people on Facebook. I thought maybe, I would get five responses TOPS. The discussion string ended in 18 responses in less than three hours, from people I know were also at work. I was absolutely touched. Then, a very good friend of mine reminded me of a television show, The Twilight Zone and a particular episode. Here is an excerpt from the show:

Twilight Zone: To Serve Man Part III

That made me realize, perhaps they didn't really want to "serve a really good BLT", the disappointing people were actually aliens who wanted to serve man.... to eat us.

Post script: Check out the rest of the episode in the side bar to the YouTube link

The Egregore

2011-05-04T00:10:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking alot about egregores lately. How they effect me. What happens externally and internally when one taps into the egregore. It must have its advantages and disadvantages. I am always constantly wondering if I am spelling "egregore" correctly?

The best definition of an egregore that I have found is that it is a collective group mind. The primary advantage seems to be the ability to harness something different than your own perspective, something that one normally would not have the opportunity to tap into. A perspective that one could learn from. A disadvantage would seem to be a deference to the majority or whatever the primary intent of the group is. Deference would not necessarily be a good thing, especially if the way a person does things that already works for them. Additionally, the issue of deference does not necessarily imply a group of weak minded individuals headed by a charismatic leader... or shall I bring up the recent debacle of a certain individual with the initials "RZ". Each egregore would have a definite energy, like the difference between walking into a biker club versus a MENSA meeting held at a local coffee shop. I have personally been to both and the MENSA meeting was quite a bit more brutal psychologically.

My primary concern about egregores is I have been wondering how does one choose an appropriate egregore? If the idea of tapping into one is to access a different perspective, how does one choose accordingly if one does not have experience with that particular perspective. Through my observations of other people, I have come to the realization that the process is largely trial and error. What works for one person may be a complete failure for another, potential adept or not. Some people also tap into a particular egregore for a duration of time, invoke a certain amount of change and then move on.

Here in Central California, my selection of an egregore was very limited. Most groups were either in the Los Angeles or the San Francisco area. Not very accessible for a single professional working mom. As an aside, it appears many of my magickal friends either have no children, live in these areas and/or have the means/resources available to them to travel. Distance was a challenge for me so I made the most of what I was given, joined a couple of local groups and waited to see what happened. For the most part, I am satisfied with my choices.

In a perfect world, I would have chosen an egregore like I picked my university. I looked for reputation, the strength of the curriculum and the experience of the professors. Since traveling was easier back during college, my choices were not severely limited. Another factor in my choice was the written works done by the professors of that particular university. Highly regarded universities expect their professors to, well, write about their chosen specialty. Writing exhibits the expertise AND an ability to communicate that expertise effectively enough to have a coherent and scholarly body of work. I went one further step when I chose my university, I spoke to the professors outside of their mucky-muck black tied Open House events. I went to see their laboratories, where they worked during their normal 40 hour weeks to see what they did and the type of hands-on experience they had.

Since the metaphor of choosing a university in the context of picking an egregore did not translate quite readily, I had to determine my own parameters. What I decided was that I would examine the personalities within the egregore. As an aside, I really do not care for judging people and my biggest hero is/was a poor migrant farm worker with a 3rd grade education. Pretentiousness, decrees, degrees and official documents do not impress me entirely. I asked myself. What type of people were they? Did they appear to be balanced, therein, exhibiting the a certain mastery of going thru the Great Work? Are they respected by their associates? Did they have a body of Work that I could examine, understand and see as truth? Were they able to quote from and use in context the body of Work that their egregore was based on? Were they merely "armchair magicians"? And most of all, what I looked for, was an underlying tension. I looked for a person who has struggled. I cannot describe it fully but I came to the assumption that since Life is a constant challenge, a person has to have LIVED in order to have done the Work. I know, there was a fallacy in my assumption since people may be on different karmic levels but give me a little credit, I had a hard enough time getting to people in LA, 120 miles away, there was no way I could get on to some Tibetan mountain somewhere to visit a Master of that calibre!

What I found were some severe disappointments and some pleasantly surprising treasures of personalities. People who I formerly despised and distrusted who I now love and trust. People who I once loved so greatly but now I wonder if they even care about me at all. People who I have adored from the very beginning that I relish their insight and presence to this day. I was offered this bit of advice that has been ringing in my ears for quite sometime that, "seeking guidance in darkness, is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength" My response to that is I have been seeking guidance and there are no coincidences about whom have come to provide me with guidance and whom have simply shrunk further into the darkness themselves. I may not understand the egregore and I may not be able to see in the darkness but I can sense who is there at my side.

Tapping into the egregore and the resulting experience is another blog post, in and of itself.

A Transition Marked By the Beltaines

2011-05-02T19:22:00.000-07:00

This weekend I was absolutely BUSY: three rites on Thursday, a public Beltaine family friendly ritual on Friday and a very sexy and hedonistic private ritual on Saturday. I would have gone to a third Beltaine ritual on Sunday had I not been thoroughly hungover.

Thursday rites were done in accordance with some planetary work that I have been stoked about and the experience has given me some much needed inspiration for my upcoming work with the Goddess Sisters. Every time I have done a Thursday rite (4 so far), I find myself gaining a greater and deeper understanding of the Goddess Sisters as a result of the Work so I know that I am doing the right thing. The planetary work is absolutely and positively the experience that I need to call the Goddess Sisters.

Friday's ritual was done druid style and although I really have no intentions to follow a druid path, I always love to involve myself in my beloved Tribe's rituals. They have become very much a part of my extended family and I love them dearly. I have made such a spiritual connection with my Tribe, a connection that includes the valuable communication, respect and trust that I need to flourish. The communication, respect and trust is not only one-way but includes a valued reciprocity of energy. As a single working mom and magician, it is helpful to have a community to lean upon in times of need. It is both empowering and touching to see my sisters and brothers caring for each other, my own and me. Many times, I have glanced over and seen my dear Jupiter angel getting hugs and Love from my Tribe or loving support for a sister who is going thru a hard time. In my heart, this is a true form of Magick, Love for each other and the children. It's one thing to tap into an egregore, it's another to have a sense of community.

I also have hopes of establishing a strong connection with the members that are involved with my new project. Time will only tell but the venture hold much promise.

Saturday's rite was done by my circle sisters. I have found an even deeper connection with these women. Surprisingly enough, the relationship with a couple of my sisters started a bit rocky but I can now trust and love them like they were of my own blood, but better. They call me out on my bullshit and I can call them on theirs, all with Love and Empowerment. We have shared Henna and wine and tears of both joy and sadness... The rite involved each of the sisters, included the Great Rite and a surprise appearance of an absolutely stunning May Queen. We relished our foods and drink, danced, sang and drummed well into the night. A blessing was granted to me that I haven't experienced for YEARS. I found my voice again. My voice finally surfaced from years of being buried and showed itself with passions enflamed. Now, I just need to figure out what I can do with it again :)

One reason for my homage to my Tribe and my circle sisters was due to their support they gave me to rid myself of a negative influence that has plagued me for the better part of a year now. Their help and the assistance of another magician (I refuse to "name drop" but he knows who he is) has allowed me to look at the negative influence in a different perspective and see how the influence has been eating me alive. It is no coincidence that the culmination of these realizations ended with me finding my voice again...

I can now say that I am finding happiness and joy.

A Prelude for Wisdom

2011-04-24T22:58:00.000-07:00

"...never to ridicule or cast criticism or curses upon the form of religion professed by another, for what right have you to desecrate what is sacred in their eyes"

"This is the Scepter of Wisdom which shall conduct thee always on the path of Knowledge. It symbolizes religion and spiritual desire which guides and regulates life. Remember to hold all religions in reverence, for there is none but contains a ray of the ineffable Light that thou art seeking"

These two phrases have been STUCK in my mind lately. The phrases are two passages from rites that I have been involved in. It's been really bugging me and I desperately needed some resolution in order to continue. I found myself at a crossroads. I came across the following very profound video:

Arvo Part - Fur Alina

Inspiration comes to me from several places. This time it was from a friend who posted this link on his Facebook page. The deeper meanings of the video hit me like waves, like the invisible sound waves Master Arvo was trying to explain. Since I am classically trained I could understand what he was talking about, but most of all I understood his deep-seated struggle with trying to explain the beauty of the music that he felt intuitively obtained through years of training, not something one can explain with a few sentences to people with no common ground. He desperately tries to use a metaphor to describe his analysis of the music:

"..a need to concentrate on each sound, so that every blade of grass would be as important as a flower."

This video provided me with a metaphor for my understanding of magick and magickal perspectives or traditions in the context of the Master describing the beauty of the Prelude to the Fugue. My perspective have been criticized or cuckolded by some in the magickal community as naive, totally wrong or insolent. But like the Master, I struggle with the definitions, trying desperately to describe the mechanics of something very intangible using my perspective, background and opinions. Although this perspective may not be accepted by others, its still my perspective and who has the right to criticize me or ANYONE for the matter on perspectives that I/they have gained through the experience of Life? It shows ignorance, hypocrisy, disrespect and intolerance, traits that conflict with the first two phrases concerning religion and spiritual desire. The Master continues with the following:

"This is a complicated story. I don't understand myself. But I have an idea what I would like to say"

Master Arvo very humbly explains that he does not understand the Beauty of the Prelude completely despite his expertise, but he still tries to RESPECTFULLY provide the explanation.

And finally, the Master sums up my sentiments of this issue I have been struggling with with the following:

"Its not the tune that matters so much here. It's the combination with the triad. It makes such a heart-rending union. The soul yearns to sing it endlessly."

The goal of the Master was to try to explain the Beauty with the basis of common ground. I offer this one other piece of the puzzle of knowledge and understanding in my humble perspective:

If one does not understand the human condition, how else can one become a better human?

I have made peace with this issue. The goal is to find the common ground, which is the human condition so eloquently portrayed by Master Arvo.

A Prayer for MY Jupiter Angel

2011-04-22T00:13:00.000-07:00

My sweet little girl was born in December. She's smart, witty and wise. She is also very beautiful. She's my Jupiter angel. We have a bond that started when she was in the womb, strengthened when I breast-fed her and continues on today. Here is a little prayer and a blessing I came up with

Oh Lord of the Universe, please bless my sweet little Jupiter Angel
May she always know her inner beauty and inner strength

But never fully realize how powerful her outer beauty is
until she's out of college,
magna cum laude with a professional degree

May she never decide to use the travesty
of a bottle of bleach to cheapen
her chameleon reddish brown hair with blondish highlights

May she have a sense of style
because style implies a sense of self
but not to the point where she needs designer threads
to leave the house to run to the grocery store

Forgive me, oh Lord,
but I refuse to show patience if I have to wait 45 minutes to buy milk
whilst she dresses in the perfect outfit with the perfect hair
Besides, oh Lord,
I can save thousands of dollars on clothes
so I can send her to college to get her magna cum laude

May we never have the screaming matches like some mother/daughters do
And can always settle our differences
over a topping/calorie loaded containers of non-fat frozen yogurt
with purple and yellow sprinkles

Bless her with the strength and the ability
to use a swift roundhouse kick
to the balls of any putz who tries to violate her
May that putz be cursed with a day of oozing purple and yellow spotted dick
Protect the little putz so that he will never be found
by my son ...or my ex... or my ex's outlaw family
because he surely will be found in a barrel
Protect the little putz from our family of magickal folk
so he doesn't permanently get an oozing purple and yellow spotted dick
with non-fat yogurt squeezing out
Above all, oh Lord, grant me strength that I do not succumb
to the temptation of turning the putz into a giant spotted oozing dick

May she never date a guy,
until she has her magna cum laude,
that has any of the following:
A Harley, a vehicle that goes faster than 65 MPH, sagging baggy pants with underwear showing (actually Lord, please never), a personally tabbed and highlighted version of Regardie's complete works or a stamp collection

Please, oh Lord
She needs to know how to check the oil on her car and air the tires
Balance the checkbook
And also know how to make a good roux

May we always share a box of tissues and hugs when she is down
May she learn to have compassion, show wisdom and experience Joy

Protect her from harm
May she find Love, May she experience Life, May she find Light

Finally, oh Lord of the Universe,
After she has obtained her magna cum laude and she is independently wealthy.
When she decides to take a break from her career to have a child
May I be granted the blessing of teaching her how to breast-feed her child myself

Amen

Stoked

2011-04-17T08:06:00.000-07:00

My newest project has me absolutely STOKED!!! I mean STOKED!. Did I mention stoked?

I am taking a hiatus from one of my other magickal groups for reason I cannot state here in this blog. I missed the extra Work. When another opportunity for another project came up, I jokingly asked if I could be a part of it. I figured if it was meant to be, then it would happen. I was surprised when I was allowed to be a part of the project. I had done some similar work just recently but completely forgot about it. It has been sitting on my altar for some time and although I have looked at it several times before the opportunity, I really didn't pay it much attention.

I am working with people who I have admired for quite some time, cool magickal people. I am so grateful and their work has a purpose, one that I can align myself to quite easily. I have been quite busy though, "getting up to speed" with the project so some nights I have slept only 3-4 hours at most. The lack of sleep coupled with the fact that I am buried at my job has made the last few days difficult. I know it will pay off in the long run, if only for the experience and the networking. I pray that the Work will be fruitful but in my heart, I know it will.

Did I mention, I am STOKED!!!

Calcination

2011-04-14T12:24:00.000-07:00

I have been studying the seven major operations in the alchemy of transformation. RO was kind enough to provide me a link about the time I started studying the Invocation Rite, which provoked me to begin my studies in the alchemy of transformation. (The full site is available here) It was an immediate inspiration to me because the terminology of the alchemy of transformation is very scientific in nature. My mind could grasp the spiritual/scientific metaphor of each term. I have seen how each operation works in the laboratory and I could understand how it would work spiritually.

The first term was calcination, which jumped out immediately to me because I use the term on a regular basis. In my profession, I work with 3 very large industrial plants that precalcines raw material in the production of a common rock product. A precalciner configuration is highly fuel and process efficient. The design provides for a steadier more controllable fuel flow and therefore allows the processing of the final product to be more homogeneous in nature. Internationally, many similar plants have switch to this robust design. I have stood at the base of three of these large kilns (60' to 120' in length) and watched material being processed through monitors. Cool, or rather HOT STUFF!!!

The basic alchemical definition of calcination involves the heating of a material within a crudible or direct flame until the substance has been reduced to ashes. I didn't like using a crudible (ah, maybe 6 inches) in my metaphor, it was wishy washy to me. I liked the MANLY metaphor of the precalciner kiln (60 feet!), besides, in the precalciner kiln, rock is eventually being transformed down-kiln, which is incidentally another metaphor.

The basic scientific definition of calcination involves three processes: thermal decomposition, evolution of volatile gases and phase transition. Using the precalciner kiln example, the material goes into the kiln, the material undergoes physical/chemical changes and then comes out as ash-like. IMHO, this kiln is equivalent to the Path and the material is the Self. The kiln, AKA the Path, provides heat (magick) to the Self, which causes the release of toxic/volatile gases in the form of ego and personal attachments. I will draw up a process flow diagrams showing the whole process. A diagram is very clear in my mind. (I will post it in a subsequent post)

As far as an interpretation within a personal context, I do not have words.

Finding Beauty and My Gift is My Present

2011-04-13T18:12:00.000-07:00

Obi-Wan Kenobi: “Master Yoda says I should be mindful of the future.”
Qui-Gon Jinn: “But not at the expense of the present."

I have been looking at myself in the mirror alot lately this last 3 months. I have lost about 30 pounds over the last 2 years and my eyes shine more than they used to. My kids used to say my eyes were always dark and lacked that internal glow. I have also noted that I smile more, like I used to when I was young with a mischievous impish, "I know something you don't know" look. Although I am still camera shy, I don't seem to avoid the camera near as much as I used to. This was most prevalent during PantheaCon when I allowed myself to be photographed in several pictures. (something I would never have done in my previous life). I have been blessed with good genes so I have never really looked my age so the loss of weight, the glowing look in my eyes and the smile on my face makes me look even younger. My body has also been changing because of the belly dancing, which I love, and I am beginning to see the beginning of some chiseled packs forming on my abdomen. I like what I see in the mirror now. Additionally I know my chronic illness has been getting better because the last laboratory work showed near normal results, a victory for me since I have been battling the illness for about 20 years now.

My whole demeanor has changed too. I am happier and calmer. What used to set me flying off the handle, now is handled with more reason and balance. My son is always telling my daughter that she has gotten off "so easy" and the old mom would have never reacted as calmly. At the same time, I do not allow certain people run all over me anymore. I see this marked difference in my professional life since I can now think through to a robust solution, instead of giving up to the pressure and tyranny of corporate greed, which was validated last month by a win over a battle that has lasted more than 4 years.

I rarely watch TV now and when I do, its mostly for the kids sake. I have interesting stuff to read, interesting stuff to do, interesting people to socialize with (and LOVE) and this blog to write. I don't miss the TV one bit.

One marked change in my attitude was letting go of the way I used to define myself. I used to think I HAD TO define myself according to a man. Before, I felt the need to be the trophy wife. I no longer do this and now I feel a greater sense of freedom and individuality that I have never experienced before

My priorities have changed. I feel more connected to the universe. I am eager for the future but I am enjoying my present.

What's my secret? Ssshhhh... Don't tell anyone. I drink 120 ounces of water per day, incorporate fiber, avoid processed foods and drink a bottle of Gotmyheadoutofmyass nutritional supplement, available at your health food store or occult bookshop for $1.99.

When you can avoid the blockage of your head in your ass, everything runs more smoothly through your system and Nirvana can be achieved.

The Lightpost

2011-04-08T01:11:00.000-07:00

Subtitle: An Homage to a Magician

After my last dragpost, I thought I would make this one a lightpost..

I have been totally thinking alot about technical drawings lately, eg blueprints, process flow diagrams, process and instrumentation diagrams (the dreaded PID), plan layouts, and equipment diagrams (this does not include critical path diagrams, sorry Frater Simon). Partly because

A.) I am totally buried at work;
B.) I have been developing a set of plans for my next magick project; and
C.) I love technical drawings. Adore them. Use them in my everyday life.

Before I divorced my husband and before the construction industry took a nose dive, our household was a two technical drawing set household. Drawing sets were laid out on our kitchen table, the breakfast bar, our office desks, the couch, our bed and sometimes even our walls. These drawing literally took over our household several years ago. Although I have the skills to use computer technical drawing software, I find GREAT satisfaction using a loaded 0.5HB mechanical pencil, my drafting tools (carefully laid out) and special engineering paper (the gridded green kind, ooohhh, the smell of a newly opened drawing tablet). There is something truly beautiful about carefully controlling the curves, keeping the lines straight, setting the correct symbols and making sure all parts of the diagram is in proper scale and position. I truly get into the "zone" when I am technical drawing.

I do not expect anyone to be a technical drawing nerd like I am, but I thought I might share my inspiration for these types of drawings: MC Escher and Rube Goldberg machines. I first came across MC Escher when I was a pre-teen. My mother studied art at that time (her media was silkscreen and some oil painting) and she came home one day with a sample of his work in one of her textbooks. I was instantly hooked!!! His black and white mathematically inspired lithographs tantalized my brain and I would spend literally HOURS gazing at the pictures, looking at every detail and visualizing myself within them at times. Here is one of my favorites:

As far as Rube Goldberg machines, I first came across these machines in high school physics and then college. I am proud to say I have been part of teams that have constructed 3 of these designs. Totally fun stuff to do with the kids too!!! I find so much delight and awe in these machines that when I came across a video of a well-executed and well-designed Rube done by a magician friend of mine, I was absolutely positive that I was going towards the right direction in my Path. It was just one of the "Aha!" moments. I have NEVER personally met anyone outside of a science background, besides my magician friend, to have designed one.

Rube Goldberg machines are over-designed machines consisting of too many components/steps to perform a simple task. The goal of a good Rube Golberg is to make it overzealous and humorous. The diagram for this type of apparatus is a very comical process flow diagram (LOVE!!) and usually pushes the envelope as far as practicality. Take a look at the official Rube Goldberg website for more info. They're are totally cool. Here is an example of fly swatting machine that I found quite interesting (if it is too hard to view, go to the website):

What does this all have to do with magick? .... hmmmmm, can you see a metaphor?

My First Mentor

2011-04-05T19:04:00.000-07:00

"The hydrochloric acid in our digestive system is so corrosive it can dissolve a nail. In other words, you contain within you the power to dematerialize solid metal. Why is it so hard, then, for you to conceive of the possibility that you can vaporize a painful memory or bad habit or fearful fantasy?" - Rob Brezsny

Many years ago, when I was a teen starting a spiritual Path, I had a mentor. I was the very ripe age of 15, naive and eager to find my True Self. It was about the time that there was serious friction between me, my family and the dogmas of the Catholic church. Privately, I sought guidance from local groups and since I was quite mature and well-read for my age, I was able to pass for an 18 year old. In fact, the location of my spiritual discoveries is no more than a few blocks from the place I study at on a weekly basis today. I pass the location every time I go for my Tribe studies. I found a nice man, 22 years my senior who was willing to guide me, an old hippie type. I will call him JLG. He seemed so knowledgeable of the world, so spiritual, so pulled together and he guided me in religious studies and meditation. I was so hungry to find the Meaning of Life and break from my cultural religious bonds. Since my family unit had already begun breaking down, I was able to spend many nights with him, reading, conversing and practicing and always blew it off by telling my parents I was just "hanging with friends".

We worked together under the auspices of another Master and I became a formal initiate. JLG had spend some time under the Master's wing and he was confident that he would be able to teach me. I confided with him about my true age and he insisted that my age be kept a secret so we could continue our work. He told me that the world would not understand our relationship and the things we were studying so the secrecy had to be maintained in order to keep the Work sacred. JLG gave me my first definition of the "occult". I was so hungry for spiritual knowledge that I agreed but privately wondered if he was ashamed of me. I spent one year studying with JLG and then the tutelage changed. JLG insisted that I needed to push my boundaries more and begin to overcome some obstacles. JLG recommended that we spend some time naked at our local river so that I can be more comfortable communing with nature. His suggestions were scary to me because a girl of 16 is not comfortable with her body but I did so out of perfect "trust and love". I continued this practice until I had no problem at all with the nudity. About the same time, I noticed he started touching and caressing me more and more. His hugs were longer and his kisses to my forehead were more passionate. I dismissed these advances because I truly loved the man. He helped me so much with finding some knowledge/inner peace and I was ever so grateful.

The relationship made another turn after about six months. His sweet kisses, loving hugs while we were naked and my deeply felt love for him turned into a very sexual romance. We continued our studies as mentor/student during the days we spent together and at night, we made passionate love to each other. He taught me how to use my womanly body and insisted that it was part of the Path. The sex was fulfilling and gave me a sense of empowerment. I was able to let go some of my hangups. I no longer felt like a helpless and weak young woman. I attribute my feminist nature to that time period.

After I few months, I began to sense a change in his demeanor, that now, as an adult magician, I recognize to be possibly the result of the initiatory experience. He started to go crazy. He began to demand sex more and more and insisted that we push our sexual boundaries more so we could get even "more out of the Path". I agreed but the experiences started to make me feel "dirty", instead of empowered. He kept me close to him as long as possible by showering me with expensive gifts, clothes, my own credit account and cash, things that a 17 year old dreams of having. Reluctantly, I ended both the tutelage and the relationship at the ripe age of 17. I still loved him very much but I missed his spiritual self. To this day, I still think he was the love of my life and I am still grateful for his guidance.

I continued with my studies in a solitary manner.

A few months after our breakup and in the month of April (about Easter), more than two decades ago, I got a message on my answering machine from JLG. The message was full of static and the call ended with a huge crash, a sound that I will never forget for the rest of my life. He told me he could no longer live without me and his Life and his Path were meaningless.

He hung himself in his garage.

I can confidently say, he was a mentor that has had the MOST PROFOUND effect on my life and I still use lessons from my experience with him to this day. My perspective of perfect trust and love is definitely multi-dimensional and effects the way I proceed on my current Path.

The Sisters

2011-04-02T19:30:00.000-07:00

I have added to my repertoire of deities. I will call them the two sisters, Goddess Sister I and Goddess Sister II (GSII). I stumbled upon one of them about a year ago and her sister, a few months ago.

I was not aware of the second sister until recently. I have found she is relatively obscure so I had to do some digging. Fortunately, I was able to find adequate information about her to develop my own personal ritual with her. She has some qualities that I want to nurture in myself and I believe she will augment some magickal experiences I have been eager to play with.

I believe the best way to go about beginning formal communication with her is by calling her sister first. My intuition tells me that trust might be an issue with GSII so I just dont want to call her without proper introduction and proper context. Although there are those in the magickal blogosphere ("just call her") that might disagree with me on this method, I really feel that I am going about it in the proper way, given GSII's background.

With this Working, I intend to push my boundaries even more and test some techniques that I have been warned about undertaking. Like with everything else, personally, privately and magickally, I take heed of people's warnings but I alone choose my own fate. Again, I intend to work without a safety net and will not share the exact specifications with anyone...

As an aside, I have celebrated a personal milestone. I have found a magickal technique to live "totally in the moment", which has been fulfilling, successful and shows promise for other issues. (It has given me that, "wow, totally cool!" feeling) The discovery occurred at the same time I made a major breakthrough with my qabalah studies. Prior to my discovery of the method, I had difficulties with either punishing myself by living in the past or pushing madly and wildly towards the potential rewards of the future, absolutely no middle ground...

I can now see my present is a gift.

Manifestation Thru Experimentation

2011-03-29T18:46:00.001-07:00

I recently had a very traumatizing experience. It tested my abilities. Since I have been longing to test my skills and to work without a safety net, I told no one of my experiment. I had been anticipating the trauma for quite some time, collected pertinent data for it and came up with some trials. Although I knew the trauma was coming for quite some time and even practised some of my divination skills on it, I was NOT looking forward to it. I knew that my reaction would be strong. It was there in the horizon, waiting and looming for me.

I have understood for quite sometime that traumatizing experiences are good times to use energy to one's advantage so I carefully picked the desired manifestation of the experience.

The trauma was mainly focused in the element of fire, which I have to admit is very challenging for me to focus control over. I knew though, that the careful modulation of air would at least provide me with some control over fire and I carefully designed a means to keep the experience in a steady state mode during the modulation of air, which I noted took a slight toll on my physical body. I used 2 main ways to control the element of air, one that I can carefully control with hourly planetary energy and another that I use applying other astrological energies. The former is very tedious to calculate and the latter is a bit more difficult to manage. I assumed that a couple of the "other astrological energies" would remain in the "starved-air" state and ambient temperature, a very risky venture, given that any further "fire" or "air" from these components would have caused the experiment to fail or possibly go miserably out of control. I did not anticipate a particular fire component to rage out of control but fortunately, I was able to keep that component isolated from the experiment.

As I was struggling through the experience, everything fell into place, in a very surprising way. I was, however, very grateful that I had a plan. When the desired manifestation occurred, I felt a shifting sensation that I felt physically and internally, right down to my spirit.

I was able to validate the manifestation. The feeling of accomplishment was totally bittersweet.

Am I eager to do this type of magick again? No, I do not wish to go through any trauma but I do not fear it though. I learned and benefited from the trauma. Besides, learning is just part of the human experience.

My First Public Ritual as HP, Ostara

2011-03-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

For those of you who haven't read my blog for very long, I participate in several magickal groups here in the Central Valley of California, AKA the San Joaquin Valley. It is an area that has been hit fairly hard by the economic crisis and in some areas, the unemployment is very high, around 20%. The air here is very dirty and the main city in the San Joaquin Valley has some of the most dirtiest air in the country, (2nd only to Los Angeles). The climate is dry and the summers are very hot. A thick blanket of smog and dust sits on our valley for most of time. ...And it stinks!, very badly at times. The area is literally thick with oppression and magick is difficult to do here (or so I have been told). I enjoy participating in my groups. Although I have personal rituals I do solitary, I really enjoy participating in and learning about other magickal experiences and traditions.

One of the groups I participate in is one that we affectionately call, "The Tribe". Our group is a truly an eclectic group. We have wiccans, druids and just a few ceremonial magicians. We get together for learning discussions, rituals, holidays and FUN times. Our little group has grown quite a bit this last year and I am very honored to be a part of it. I have figured that our collective magickal experience is more than 200 years.

Our tribe celebrated Ostara this Saturday, a public ritual. I am usually at the advantage when I write about a ritual because I am usually a participant who takes a smaller part. This time, I chose to lead the ritual, my first one as High Priestess. I felt it was time that I push my boundaries a bit and I really wanted the experience. It's different when you do a rite solitary, or as a smaller part of the ritual. I wanted the experience of managing and leading a public ritual. How you create and shape magickal energies for people who you are familiar with is quite a bit different than one done for strangers. It was a bit scary for me as two of my favorite teachers were not there due to personal commitments. Thankfully, I had three others in attendance that guided and assisted me. (Yes, I have alot of people guiding me in my Path and I call anyone I love who has provided me great insight and/or crucial information a "teacher") A mentor, however, is quite different. I have been told I can show my vulnerabilities to a mentor.

When I started writing the ritual, I was uncertain quite how to do it given the varied traditions and skills of the group. One teacher told me that I needed to write it to make myself happy. I did that. I pulled some ceremonial magick components into a wiccan-based ritual. The Great Rite was performed as part of the ritual and the open/closing parts were done CM style. The Great Rite was used to put energy into some rosemary seeds for each participant to save our air (plants and trees are a natural filters for ambient air) and we all libated with some bright yellow bunny "Peeps" and milk. (My surprise and whimsical part of the ritual). Some lines were flubbed. I had technical difficulties with the alter and the incense and some parts were taken out the last minute. For the first 5 minutes, I was shaking like a leaf but was able to come back to center after I felt everyone's love and support. I have only shaken violently like that once before, when my daughter was born so I knew it was a good omen. Here was some of my comments:

"Honestly, you're being too hard on yourself. The ritual was great and very special"
"Loved the energy"
"It was a blast"
"I saw the colors that you were creating"
"You did a really great job"

And finally, the best part of the ritual for me was after the actual working. A tearful participant came to me and told me how much the ritual inspired her. She felt a true connection to the magick I did. It made her feel better inside and she wanted to know more about my own tradition. No words can describe how I felt when she confided with me. It was not a Leo sorta of pride or ego thing. The feeling was truly... well, DIVINE

Am I A Horrible Magician?

2011-03-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

Frater Robert spoke about equations and magickal states. It truly inspired me because my focus has not been too great, as of late. The Path has been throwing distractions at me so fast that I have been forgetting who I am. I need to focus internally, use my own resources/abilities and forget about what "she said" or "he said". The answer is within myself and I know it is there.

I love equations. I do. I had to learn to love them, understand them and work with them. In a world of grey, equations have given me a comfort and peace. I can summarize and solve all of the known issues with a stubby pencil on the back of a ketchup stained napkin.

Then, I got older and I got wiser and I found that all answers dont always boil down to "42".What I found after many all-nighters and countless failed experiments is that one can manipulate the variable and force the answer to be "42" whenever one desires. Personally, I used to have a creed that stated, "Ask for 150% of what you want and settle for 100". Unfortunately, in the real world what happens is that one winds up with 100% of something that really doesn't work. I gave up that creed long ago.

When it comes to my magickal experiences, I always try to look for the metaphor. Fortunately, because of my professional background, I am able to draw upon experiences and resources, that an ordinary person could not. I have always been grateful for that.

So, when Frater Robert started to try to put an equation to measure a magician's skill, I was so there. I began to wonder if I had to come up with an equation for magickal skill, how would I do it. Obviously, it had to have an association to space and time, therefore the equation would require at least 4 variables? It follows, obviously, we are dealing more than just temporal and spatial relationship, so therefore the equation must include other variables such as temperature and other mechanical properties. Then, it follows, obviously, we need to include the work and the internal/external energy components in the equation that includes the temporal/spatial relationships, temperature and other mechanical properties. Then again, it follows, obviously, we need to include the work, the internal/external energy components, temporal/spatial relationships, temperature/mechanical properties AND include the control volume analysis.

"EUREKA!" It must be the Conservation of Energy Equation!!!!

Pulled out my door stopper of a reference manual, "thunk", started to swish thru the the 1000+ pages and was going to put the entire monstrosity of the equation here in my blog. I was also prepared to feverishly write a 100+ page blog post doctorate-thesis dissertation of the Metaphysical Metaphors within the Conservation of Energy Equation.

I began to remember, what it was like to feel tears stream down my cheek, on to spreadsheets and prototype models til 3AM. Praying desperately to God and the Universe that I will be okay despite severe emotional abuse, a failing marriage and a toddler still in diapers with a father inflicted with alcoholism/substance addiction. I could make the numbers in the spreadsheet work and I could make the prototype that would defy all laws of physics....but my own personal life, I was not very confident I could get it to work at all.

After some introspection, I overcame the distractions , centered myself and realized this discussion was not about the Conservation of Energy equation, or the number 42 or forcing the form/result of the answer or even about a sucky personal life. This discussion was about the magick. How good of a magician am I? What do I have?

I have persistence and determination. In my heart, these qualities are good enough.

Moving On and Letting Go

2011-03-21T12:21:00.000-07:00

This weekend was the equinox, a time for rebirth of moving on and letting go. It was a weekend of mishaps and confronting my own demons. My biggest appears to be EGO and pride... I am a Leo afterall. I have these issues. I am trying really hard. Its a BIG challenge for me, to be the better person.

This weekend I spent most of the weekend quietly observing and listening to people. I still continue to wonder if the Path I have chosen is the correct one. For the time being, I am good but I have already have had several VERY SIGNIFICANT indications that I should keep my heart, eyes and ears open for something else. Don't know what it is but it's there LOOMING in the distance. Had I not had some outside validation of a potential CHANGE, I might have suspected it was mainly caused by my pride problems.

One of which, is I am beginning to lose one of my favorite teachers as a mentor. I knew it would happen eventually. I have been feeling myself fall in the priority scale lately. The fall felt like a ton of bricks and it landed on me just recently. Needless to say, it was painful. I guess it just happens, teachers taken on students and after a while, they need to help others on the Path. I hold fast to the idea that we are in this Work alone and I need to find my own victories. It still makes me sad though. It reminds me of when I was a performing artist (I'm classically trained) and it was time to change teachers. There comes a point where one goes beyond the field of expertise of a teacher. One achieves a certain high level and then that level only becomes obsolete. I just didn't think it would happen so fast.

Perhaps it has something to do with some Work I have been doing for CHANGE. I think I need to rethink my methods. RO commented that the magick requires periodic maintenance. Although his post was mainly about recharging and reconsecration, I see periodic maintence in the metaphorical terms of an engine. Change has been coming at me TOO HARD AND TOO FAST lately. I cannot catch a break. I need to change it up a little. The engine I have been working on is a little older now and perhaps rethinking a routine maintenance plan for it is in order. Perhaps I need to change the air fuel ratio? Perhaps I just need to change the engine?

It almost feels like its time to move from a piston engine to a turbine. I have always had an easier time with Air

Rebuttal to the "Belief In Magick Yes/No"

2011-03-17T18:13:00.000-07:00

SUBTITLE: I DO BELIEVE IN MAGICK

Frater Robert posted about his belief in magick. I adamantly disagreed with his post. He talks about believing in the magick. I have and will always disagree with this model. In my mind, its like the nature versus nurture model. Is the magician nurturing the magick by engaging in the process of magick or is it already the nature of the magician to do the magick? One bit of information that has empowered me is the idea that the magician already possesses all of the necessary powers to perform magick. I am convinced that the magick works. I disagree with his following statement:

...one is so immersed in the process that one's spirit and soul slowly get refined.

One cannot refine the Spirit any more than it already is. The SPIRIT, just is. It's not about the process or engaging in the process. Simply stated in mathematical terms:

SPIRIT = MAGICK

I do however believe in Stenwick's comments on "believing more" but I think Frater Robert totally misses his point. Frater Robert makes the statement:

Yes yes, a few people put things together not believing they work and get surprised but long term, the magician has to believe magick works in order to fully engage in the process

If I already believe in the power of my spirit AKA the magick, then why doesn't the magick work? Frater Robert's statement about belief in the magick contains a slight fallacy for me. This contradicts a component of the Work that I recently discovered. It the whole concept of "you are not your thoughts" idea. The "doubt-free" perspective pertains not to the magick AKA the spirit, Stenwick's statement pertain to the belief in oneself. Before the magick can work, I must first believe in myself by removing all of the baggage that I have attained over my lifetime.

As per Frater Robert' statement, a few people put things together, not believing the magick but the non-belief in oneself is a non-issue (BTW, I hate double negatives) so the magick works in the long term. It the idea that "hell, lets try this, it caint (yes I said caint) hurt or make anything worse than it already is", which is likened to the Stenwick's temporary suspension of doubt. I am also thinking that it has something to do with the "nothingness" that is above Kether but that idea will require further pondering.

With that said, I will offer up a bit of evidence that may require further thought but I am still posting it here.

Children are truly magickal beings. They don't have to believe in magick. It just is. They are the closest manifestation of the Spirit AKA the magick in human form. Children are magickal because they do not have the issues or baggage that takes a lifetime to develop. Any person, who loves kids, would understand this.

At Last! Yesod!

2011-03-12T11:55:00.000-08:00

For all of you long time dear readers, you know I have been struggling with Yesod. I have not been able to find something in my life to relate it to, scientifically, practically, or spiritually.

On the Tree of Life, the key word for the sephira is "foundation", which had me struggling even more. Foundation for what? Obviously, something important. In my Tarot studies, I learned it the sphere for "fight or flight" or primal instincts or sexual forces. It is the sphere that connects the rest of the sephiroth with earth. Frater Robert calls it the "Doing something, just to get laid".

There's no coincidence that the ball is planted firmly in the groin area

The key for me understanding Yesod was in looking at the connecting sephiroth. I had to look at Netzach and Hod to get to my understanding. I already commented on Netzach and Hod in a different post . There are 3 phrases from that post that have lead to my understanding of Yesod:

CH4 + 2O2 --> CO2 + 2H2O, stoichiometric equation for the combustion of methane (sans appropriate subscripts)

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. -Lao Tzu

Hod and Netzach are the analogy of our legs, which work together on our 1,000 mile journey.

What I deduce from these 3 previous statements is that there exists an engine, that utilizes the fuel which drives a vehicle, the vehicle of our spirit.

YESOD IS THE DESIRE TO LIVE!!!

Yesod is the foundation of Life. The sephira is the realm where the cohabitation of opposites exists. This is the sphere which exhibits both particle and wave behavior. This is the place that is both the finite/infinite, stationary/mobile, and repelling/attracting. Now I understand why they kept using the metaphor of the electromagnetic field and the EMF is a perfect metaphor since the phenomena is one of the fundamental forces of nature!!!

The planetary ruler for Yesod is the moon. It contains the desire for our higher aspirations because, like the moon, the other planetary reflect their light upon the moon. Luna is our connection. She acts as an independent yet she is dependent upon the earth and is only a smaller part of the greater universe. This is the sphere, whereas, as a magician I decide whether I want to strive through the rest of the tree. Yesod is the part where I must make a conscientious and independent decision to change my patterns and let go of my past to BEGIN to become one with the universe. This is the part when I actually learn to Live.

What next? The final spheres within the middle pillar: malkuth, tiphareth and the invisible daat. The latter is something I probably will not be talking about for years.

The Invocation Rite

2011-03-10T19:56:00.000-08:00

On my reading table, there is a invocation rite. One that I have been warned about from some people and encouraged to do by other people. I have several copies of it actually, one that I printed and tucked neatly in a folder, one in a book and another copy neatly filed away in my phone

After reading it several times, I discovered the rite are just words on a paper. I asked myself, how can this be so powerful? Some phrases are nonsense to me and frankly do not make sense to me in my context of life. So why should I fear it? I do not fear anything really. I mean, how bad can it be? What is the big fucking deal? Some people have told me it will mess up my life. My response to that is, how can it be messed up anymore than it already is?

All I need for the rite is "the Body of Light", a little oil, the LBRP and a little creativity.

Perhaps, its in the intent of the rite? No, it cant be that? What's wrong with a little more control of your life? What's wrong with a little resurrection every now and again? The reference to the "Beast 666"??? Nah, that was a big joke. I know the history. Can it perhaps be about that Serpent thingy? Nah, that doesn't scare me either. A little serpent thingy does a girl good every now and again, total stress reliever.

I need something to push my Work to the next level. Get out of this plateau I am sitting on. Get me out of this damn rut.

It lies there, taunting me, teasing me, calling me, "Do me!, Do me!!, Do me!!!". It's a big mystery to me that I want to solve.

And so, like with any big mystery. I turn to the guidance of one of my childhood heroes

I ask myself, "What would Scooby Doo do?"

I think Scooby Doo was actually a mage in the form of a dog. I am a little prejudice when it comes to dogs. They are my familiars, after all. Scooby wandered around villainous villages, darkened forests, haunted houses, creepy museums and other coolio occulty places. His best friend was Shaggy who has a crush on MaryJane (in the latest version of the cartoon) and they always had the munchies for strange snacks such as Limburger pizzas with peanut butter. They always seem to encounter some evil being, alien life form or a scary spirit (dare I say more), which NEVER turned out to be as bad as they thought it was.

"WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DOO DO?" (WWSDD?)

Scooby would be scared shitless but Scooby would confront the spirit once he got his Scooby Snacks. I know what I must do!!! I should hang with Shaggy and MaryJane this Friday night, get some Scooby Snacks ($2.50 a box at the grocery store) and just do the damn rite to get it over with.

After all, the scary spirit is probably some guy (or insert name of any controversial and/or infamous ceremonial magician) in a costume that is gonna end up screaming:

"...and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling kids!"

Post script, I think I am almost ready for my post on Yesod

What I Expect From An Adept

2011-03-06T17:37:00.000-08:00

There have been several posts on a recent controversial issue in the ceremonial magick community. I follow them, take heed, file it away in my memory and then promptly let it go.

I am in a very unique position, in the magickal blogosphere, in that, I can quietly observe and take note. The recent controversy does not effect my work, negatively. I can learn from it because I am removed from it. I don't know who those people are. What I have taken from the hushed or very public discussions is what I can expect from an adept.

What I have noted is that adepts and in general, people who are truly working the Path do not need to play politics. They quietly do their Work, bottom line. Perfection, does not however, appear to be a prerequisite for an adept. They also lead mundane lives, have issues and struggle through life, just like the rest of us. Life does not occur in a vacuum. They have EGOS because after helping so many people with issues, one tends to be a little more than confident about the efficacy. I mean, really?, would you want an airplane pilot flying your plane across the US, who does not have alot of confidence in their abilities?

There are a couple of other things I have noted about true adepts:

They are not RICH men, as far as material wealth goes. Their resources lie in their loyalties from other people. They basically have spent many years building their magick, not their entrepreneurial, and the last time I checked you cannot order a side of esotericism with your double cheeseburger and you cannot buy your spirituality at the same time you get your laundry detergent and a dozen eggs. Their life's work cannot be sold and charged to Visa, because it truly is priceless. Some however, do sell their services but also seem to have daytime jobs too.

They are not socially retarded. Although I am not an adept, it appears to me that a true adept can relate to many different people. My guess at this is they speak a universal language, one that transcends all boundaries. They can provide a metaphor about baseball or cross-linked hydrocarbons and still convey the same basic meaning. I understand the cross linked hydrocarbon metaphor...but the baseball thing is a little harder to grasp for me.

They do not have to go out of their way to be badasses. I guess when you deal with enough goetic demons, it just follows that you will not have a problem in a darkened alleyway on the bad side of town.

They will allow you to discover things yourself and within your own context. They do not ever give you textbook definitions. If you have a personal issue that needs to be resolved they give you totally subjective answers that convey "yes", "no", and "maybe" all at the same time. This is the most irritating thing but at the same time very empowering.

And finally, they are not the best at getting back to you immediately and especially when you feel like your life is falling apart. In fact, they never seem to be around when it happens. But things always seem to work out. Was it from divine intervention set into motion by the adept. No, I think that the adept is cognizant of the fact that he cannot bring about powers into the student that isn't already there.

A Little Hiatus

2011-03-06T09:06:00.000-08:00

Hello dear reader. I took a little hiatus from writing and well, magick in general. Hopefully as I write this post, some epiphany will come to me.

I read something about teacher addicts in my studies. It talked about people who spend alot of time seeking teachers, going to classes and involving themselves in rituals/workings. They seek and they dont get passed that and then quietly, yet with frustration, wonder why the Path isnt working for them. They ignore the signs or what I call the "messages from the goddess" that may teach them a valuable lesson to further their Path or flat-out dont want to face them. I guess at that point people either quit, their life blows up or they finally realize that they have to Do the Work. Nobody want their life to blow up... Right? My response to that is that sometimes life needs to blow up a little and needs to get difficult in order to clear the old crap out to bring out the new. It reminds me of how natural wildfires are actually conducive to a forest's life cycle because it clears space for new life. It also remind me of how miners set small charges along a large mountain of rock in order to manage the larger mountain.

I dont think some people really understand this concept. They fret and worry about the blow up as if it's a bad thing so they dont do anything at all for themselves. What's worse is when those people try to intrude on MY LIFE trying to SAVE ME from myself... BITCHES! I knew this Path wouldnt be easy and I really dont want somebody babying me along the way...And by the way, dont expect me to be happy about it when the arduous and painful task of clearing the crap comes up. Being happy is not a prerequisite for sitting in your own shit...but thats okay. You gotta sit in it before you clear it.

When it comes right down to it, we are all alone in our Path. Nobody will do the Work for you. Nobody will give you support, unless you ask for it. One has to make their own choices to experience their own victories.

“How else should I come to know the laws which govern all things, save thus, that I observe them in myself?” -Lao-tze

Vital Life Force

2011-02-24T16:18:00.000-08:00

My legal battles has taken a turn for the worse and now, my ex will be take me for most of what I am worth. Unfortunately, although I am a woman, I am in what is typically the man's position for my divorce, in that, I will have to give up most of my net worth to my exhusband. Sucks! Doesn't it?!

I divorced my exhusband because a part of me was literally dying, my soul. If you use your efforts from the bottom of your heart to try fix someone, it sucks you dry. It drains your energy. A friend of mine just recently called this energy essence, the Life Force. I agree with him.

He mentioned this Life Force in the context of being an introvert, as opposed to an extrovert. Introverts require time for themselves in order to reclaim their energy. I have always considered myself an introvert in the classical sense since I need considerable time alone to recoup my energy levels. I tend to need an abundance of time for meditation and prayer. Extroverts tend to drain me drastically if I don't have the proper shields up, which isn't always possible when one is trying to open themselves up to the Love of the universe. There are things that need to be learned and one cannot do that without interactions with All-That-There-Is.

My friend (don't have a nickname for him) made mention of his Life Force because he has problems with socialization. He feels that because he is an introvert, he has a harder time opening up to people. I comforted him and provided him with my own mechanism for coping in a crowd and reclaiming my energy: Find the company of other introverts because in a crowd of people, you do not ever have to apologize for being quiet with another introvert.

Giving up your Life Force is not necessarily something that is bad. I gave up much of it during my marriage, which I still need to make peace with, but I also give up much of it for my children. I will never regret giving my children my Life Force. For me, "giving it up" is a sign of self sacrifice, of True Will and Love. I also give up much of my Life Force to my dear friends. I find that this energy exchange is a vital part of the engine of the Universe. However, as an introvert, it takes more strength to give up that essence to somebody else and it takes Daring. One also has To Know, that as an introvert, we have a stronger tie to the Universe, because we are stronger at being Silent.

In post script, this has provided me with alot of comfort that I have been desperately seeking, especially since I feel my universe is tumbling down upon me. With more meditation on the topic, I might even make peace with the fact that I gave so much of myself in my marriage. It all reminds me of the phrase:

TO KNOW, TO WILL, TO DARE, TO BE SILENT

Pantheacon 2011

2011-02-23T18:27:00.000-08:00

I was very fortunate and blessed this year and was able to attend PantheaCon in San Jose, California. It's the west coast's conference for pagans. Despite my financial woes, I was able to set aside the money to go. Several of my friends from the Central Valley and Los Angeles area were able to attend also. It was a weekend of learning, networking, camaraderie and FUN. The conference consists of workshops done by experts/authors/bloggers, rituals and other magickal endeavours. Its just what this little left brainer has orgasms over. What I went for is to be around the magicians.

The highlights of my weekend were actually meeting Lon Milo DuQuette and John Michael Greer. Several of my friends had already met them but I was eager meet them myself since both men have helped me with my magickal issues. For people like Robert, its everyday business, but for me, its special. I love meeting people who are knowledgeable, especially in the magickal arena. Their experience and knowledge comforts me like a warm blanket and gives me hope. Robert has given a great write-up on JMG's class, which I intended to do also but he beat me to it (Frater Robert: :P Pffbbbtt)

Here are just some highlights of classes I attended

Astrological Decans and Lunar Magick by Frater Barrabas

Fellow blogger. I am sure some of you already follow him.

Ancient Hebrews by Elisheva Nesher. I want to be like this woman when I am older: wise, knowledgeable, full of energy and confident. There are two things that I took from that lecture:

#1: Her story about baking cookies and making babies in ancient times brought me to tears. She basically said that in ancient times baking cookies and making babies were not for the weak or faint of heart. Women in modern days takes these things for granted. It takes a strong woman to find the grain, grind it, cook it and feed it to their babies. It also takes a strong woman to endure bleeding all over yourself and labor pains without drugs while having to worry about baking the cookies. This gave me great confidence in myself, as I have done both as well as tend to the household as a single parent, working a stressful job, enduring my problems and studying/working my magick.
#2: "When you hand down stories, you define yourself....it shapes who you are." -Elisheva Nesher

The Picatrix by John Michael Greer: Robert did the write up on that. I humbly defer to his post.

Maat by Richard Reidy: I really liked this lecture. He gave us all really good information about the goddess Maat and the concept of Maat. He also had another lecture that I was unable to attend. Next year, I will try to catch more

Mid Life Crisis by Lon Milo DuQuette: Please purchase his products... as he has made no further provisions for his family's future.

Hymns to Helios by the OSOGD: Everyone here knows my interest in ceremonial magick so this was a MUST on my list. I am usually the first one to raise my hand for a part in a ritual so I kick myself for not volunteering. Although the weather was quite drizzly outside during the rite, I left feeling very "sunny". Also, they gave me an idea for one of my rituals that I am so totally going to adapt for a Tribe ritual.

The Rite of Lilith by the Amazon Priestesses: This group is actually a coven of the Dianic tradition. I felt the "Amazon" in their name was actually a misnomer. This ritual was done skyclad... and yes, I did. I really do not have issues with nudity (except when it's fucking COLD). I experienced some pretty strong magick during this ritual that carried well over until almost 430AM the next morning.

The Gnostic Mass by the OTO: I had a very interesting experience for this one that I would prefer not to share. I would totally go to another but I will attend one in Los Angeles next time.

The Kabbalah by Miriam BatAsherah: This woman was able to tie my qabalah (she says Kabbalah, I say qabalah) studies together, cohesively. Once I get her website, I will link her to this post.

Ancient Stellar Magick by Clifford Low: I liked this guys stuff. ALOT. His lecture covered the methods to create 15 rings of power.

The other significant thing that happened to me is that goddess made sure her presence was known to me during several times during the conference. Funny how those things work.

If there are any other interesting conferences that you might think I would enjoy, by all means, please provide me with your suggestions. I felt like a little kid in a candy store

An Old Post: QBL/TBD/GM

2011-02-20T09:38:00.000-08:00

Sorry, dear reader. I am lil hung over so I am reposting an older post that I made back in July of last year. It gives me pretty good insight on where I come from

I take belly dancing (BD)lessons. I'm in no way good at it and definitively do NOT ask me to do a graceful hip drop. I leave the graceful hip drops to my awesome and cool teacher, the water witch. Its cool and empowering. I began to take it when my gym membership got too expensive for me. Its a way for me to burn off that extra scoop of ice cream and some pent up sexual frustrations I have without the whole messy relationship part. Its incredible to see women strut their naked belly button. and besides, the typical bellydancer is not your size 2 or size 0, these are women who have had kids and have a little pooch, or more. You have to find your inner sense of beauty to show off your tiger stripes and C-section scar.

In tribal BD you have to isolate certain parts of your body, strengthen those parts, keep your head stationary, your feet on the ground and your pelvis tucked in. Keep your balance. Sweating like a pig is not optional.

I started to think about the correlation between BD and the qabalah. Find your weaknesses, strengthen those parts and keep your balance. and there are definite similarities between the sephirot and the parts of the body that BD try to strengthen and balance.

Balance implies beauty and proportion, which reminded me of the golden mean stemming from the heart in the Thoth Fool card. The golden mean is a represented by the Fibonacci Series. (Incidentally, the link also mentions some work done on the golden mean of pentagrams) More math, I love it! The golden mean is also called the divine proportion (not balance).

So I realized, as the Fool, the balance and consequently the divine is not about finding the black/white left/right type balance, its finding the correct PROPORTIONS that stem from within one's own heart. Finding the center of your own weaknesses and strengthening those parts, just like tribal BD.

For all you women and guys who love your women, put some $ in the budget for some BD classes, you can really have more than one type of spiritual experience as a result of it.

Now Ladies and Gentlemen, a goddess of belly dancing, Rachel Brice

Swift Kick in The Ass

2011-02-16T22:22:00.000-08:00

After posting my last whining post, I started surfing the blogs for some answers. The internet, especially the blogs of my fellow magicians, can be a great oracle. Sometimes I get the answer but this time I got a swift kick to the ass.

Looks like I need to do a lil energy work... ya think?

DO THE WORK!!!

Depression Sucks

2011-02-16T20:07:00.000-08:00

Its been over a week since I last posted. Depression has hit me pretty hard. My legal issues have become stagnant so it has caused me alot of dismay. That, and I have been feeling pretty stupid and unworthy. A little ray of hope was given to me when my mentor mentioned that they Path is all about being challenged. I can face challenges because challenges actually involve activity, instead of the dreaded stagnancy.

My studies have fallen quite a bit due to my sluggishness, which pisses me off even more. I don't feel like doing ritual. I have to force myself but it does provide some comfort and relief when I do. I am accustomed to doing everything at break-neck speeds with hyperfocus. Lately, I cannot even do granny-speed and my concentration level has been all about a bad spell of attention deficit disorder. My mentor tells me I am being hard on myself but what else can I do. If I am not taking care of shit, how else am I supposed to feel? Happy?

It appears that all of my depression is coming out of things that I used to have pride in. Take away my pride and the ungodly feeling of fear sets in and everyone knows that "Fear is Failure"

I wish I had something esoteric or coolio to share with you, dear reader but I just caint (yes, i said caint) muster it. Yesod has been a challenge to put into my own words so I don't have that yet. I can probably give you some regurgitated definition from Wikipedia but that's not me so it will have to wait. Maybe I just need to get laid.

I will be at PantheaCon in San Jose, California this weekend, which is the west coast's conference for pagans. David Griffin will be there as well as authors such as Lon Milo DuQuette and John Michael Greer. Although I have been planning for this events for months, I am forcing myself to go. I am hoping it will get me out of this funk I have been going through.

If you are there dear reader and would like to meet up. Send me an email

The Outdwellers

2011-02-06T21:52:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, I had the opportunity to be a part of a Druid ritual for Imbolc. My dear friend Gynwyt Siarad led the ritual.

My part of the ritual was to provide an offering to the outdwellers, which are chaotic forces, so they would not "trouble our Work". The offering was a nice bottle of Guinness, which was placed at the furthest spot away from the actual circle. I knew I could do that part of ritual. I have done it before many times, but in the past, the chaotic force was my drunken okie ex-husband asking, "Baby, can you get me another beer from the refrigerator?!" As I trudged across the lawn, to set the beer in the furthest corner of the ritual space, I imagined all those times, I walked width of 3 or 4 rooms in our home (maybe 80 feet), into the kitchen and handed my ex his beer. The kitchen was never more than 20 feet away from where he was sitting on the couch. The outdwellers, in my mind, definitely had beer guts and burped loudly.

On a more serious note, I also felt strongly about providing the outdwellers with an offering because it provided me with the opportunity to pay my respect to these forces. Although they are not so easy to deal with, they have provided me with a great deal of knowledge of who I am not.

An interesting thing did happen at this Imbolc ritual that involved my offering to the outdwellers. Two of my ex's family members showed up, my ex's niece and her mother, Babs. They are solitary Wiccans that wanted to be part of the ritual. I love them dearly but I could not help but note the irony. The family I married into were nothing like the family I was raised in. Not even close. They are a family that have constant and on-going drama in their lives. Their lives are about the closest representation of chaotic forces or "outdwellers" that I can think of: mental illness, prison time, alcoholism, drug abuse, single-wide trailers, Welfare and ignorance. I guess what they say about "opposites attract" is very true. I am glad to say that I am a recovering "bad-boy addict".

Babs is very special to me. She is an aged toothless biker mama who walks with a cane and doesn't take shit from nobody. She's quick with the cane, so watch out and don't piss her off. She was beautiful and a true badass in her day. She has seen alot of life and lived through it. Many nights I sat in her 15 foot trailer (yes 15'), crying whilst in a business suit over my ex's drug abuse problems. She suffers from depression and agoraphobia so she was always home when I needed to vent. She always offered me kindness, love and a caring ear. She taught me that even the "outdwellers" can offer humanity.

As I paid my respect and provided offering to the astral outdwellers, I quietly acknowledged the family of outdwellers that stood before me, physically. They are still a significant part of my universe. As below, so above, as above, so below....

The other significant part of the ritual was the part when all participants were allowed to honor the goddess, provide her with an offering and humbly request another gift, a gift for a gift. Although the goddess is not within the pantheon I usually use, I have worked with her since about a year ago. I knew her lore and I have asked her for assistance with a close family member. Given the situation and my experience level with the Gods, she was a very appropriate goddess for me to work with at the time. I was fearful of losing my close family member to the dark forces last year, the same chaotic forces that the "outdwellers" are known for. Life has significantly changed for my close family member, for the better. I knew I had to thank the Lady of Light and Home for bringing my family member back from the Darkness. I love my troubled, mixed-up family member with all of my heart and soul.

I wept quietly by her Fire as I provided my offering and asked only that she continue to provide her assistance. The outdwellers wept too because they love our close family member too.

Sex Magick

2011-02-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

Just recently, I had an opportunity to do some sex magick. The working was to be done primarily astrally. We were to visualize having sex with our magickal partners, climax and then charge a sigil with that energy. At first, the idea seemed relatively easy but after some thought, I realized things that appear to be easy are typically the hardest things to do. If you haven't already figured out, I tend to overthink things a bit. Give me time and I will over think ketchup.

If you haven't already done so, read my post on my difficult decision. The post was inspired from my posts on life-changing magick, my recent opportunity to do the sex magick working and sex, in general. Although I am hornier and have a healthier attitude towards sex than the average American woman, I still believe that sex is not something that can be trifled with. Sex can involve very serious life-changing (such as baby or an abortion) events and emotional issues. Not things that I have ever taken lightly....

I know, makes you want to beat me, for retaining my Catholic-flavored ideology. There was a certain amount of truth when I declined group astral sex because I had "sick and twisted" things in my head. ;P

Given my last two posts, I think it is a good time to start pondering Yesod.

A Difficult Decision

2011-01-28T20:20:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the major drag post, dear reader, but some of my demons has reared its ugly head. Most likely because of the Path...

Many years ago, I had an abortion during the time period between my 1st child and my last child. It was one of the most difficult decisions I have made, in my whole life. I was having serious health issues, desperately trying to go to college for my engineering degree, and my ex-husband was on his umpteenth go at rehab... needless to say, not a good time to bring a child into the world, especially since my oldest child was still in diapers. It was also a very difficult decision for me because, at the time, I was still trying to be somewhat of a catholic and given the church's opinion of the issue, it was very hard for me to decide. With that abortion, I sealed my fate with the Catholic church. Its a sin after all... right?

I lived in the Central California equivalent of the Southern Bible Belt so I had to travel 200 miles for the surgery. During the whole time, I wept and as you know, dear reader, I am not a woman who cries very often. The whole situation was very sterile and impersonal, sorta like several routine surgeries that I have had over the years. They never referred to the child as a "baby" or "child" or a "fetus", or anything like that. In fact, they never really referred to the fetus at all. They never really mentioned it. They put several women in one room at a time and the tone was definitely SOMBER while we waited our turn. Some women wept quietly, some were scared and some were completely emotionless. Everything in the surgery room was white-washed and bare. Aint nobody was happy. The whole procedure took less than 30 minutes and the depression from the whole ordeal took me about 3 years to overcome. It took me that long to stop punishing myself for the abortion, for being weak, for admitting to myself that I could not care for another child and for committing a major selfish SIN. A part of me literally died that day....

So what made all of this come up? It has been my thoughts on death. Life renewal caused by any type of death is not a decision or task that should be taken lightly. It's something that MUST be thought through, quite carefully, because its effects and the fallout can be felt for a lifetime.

Think of that dear magickal practitioner, every time you do a life-changing spell or a working. Are you really making a choice that you will be happy with, for the rest of your life and can you really deal with the aftermath?

A New Misadventure

2011-01-26T06:25:00.000-08:00

My exhusband and I used to get into all sorts of fun trouble. We called them misadventures. One time, we had to run from his partner's mama so we ended up escaping through a back window into the back 40 of her property, dodging shot gun bullets and jumping over fences with the mama screaming out in her okie accent, "You better not come back to my property ever again!" I was scared shitless. I was, of course, the innocent bystander but the woman really had no intentions to check my papers. She just wanted everyone out of her house. I had no idea we weren't supposed to be there but when that 300 pound woman (mostly muscle) came out with a shot gun and anger in her eyes, I thought I would just run like the others. It just seemed like a good idea at the time...to save my ass. Those days are long gone and now I have bigger and better things to do with my time.

So I am just informing my dear readers, that I am beginning to embark on a new misadventure. One, that no doubt, will involve scary beings, more powerful than that toothless 300 pound pissed off okie. Except this time, I will not be the innocent bystander and the scary being MIGHT JUST BE ME.

Complete Combustion

2011-01-22T07:40:00.000-08:00

For this post I am using complete combustion as an analogy for a component of the Work. I am just talking about the analogy itself. For those of you that are close to me, you will understand what I am talking about. For you others, you're just SOL.

Complete combustion requires three different properties, time, temperature and turbulence. When raw materials are being heat processed, such as in a kiln, processing requires these three variable in order to occur efficiently. Turbulence involves the mixing of the various raw materials. Turbulence is often chaotic. Complete combustion also requires an increase in temperature, the higher the temperature, the shorter amount of residence time involved. Unfortunately, when processing occurs at higher temperatures, the equipment requires more fuel, which is spent entirely too quickly at higher temperatures. Additionally, if the time is too short, the raw materials do not have sufficient time to process so therefore, the raw material does not have time necessary to change. The three "T"s of combustion need to be balanced for the process to be optimized.

On a less technical note, I had a great weekend. I got to spent some time with some very special people. I missed a great belly dancing extravaganza but I truly would not trade my weekend for anything else. I made up for it by practicing my belly dancing hip drops while I was sipping scotch, balancing on one leg nonetheless. Nobody really noticed because I fidget constantly when I am standing around socializing. I got to meet two very magickal young people that will forever be in my heart because of what they did for me. I was also very touched by the actions of other people. I feel changed because of the experience.

Being a Badass

2011-01-21T09:09:00.000-08:00

My mind is filled with a million thoughts lately. I been thinking alot about trust and love and wondering how much love and trust I should have for other participants in ritual. Should I give my trust and love to the other participants or is the magick, "All about me"? Or maybe, its about trusting only the magick itself?

My other thoughts are about ways people make up for their short-comings, specifically immature magicians. It has been quite obvious that the magick begins with working on yourself so how can a transformation of self occur of one's intentions on the Path is to be just a "badass". I made the following post to my Tribe's website:

Just because you are wearing a pentacle, that does not necessarily make you a pagan or a badass or cool. What makes you a pagan is that quiet reverence and understanding of why the Path makes you strong and magnetic to others. The able warrior does not always wield his/her sword and their charisma is a product of many difficult battles, mostly with themselves.

I wrote this post because I see alot of youngsters put their pentacle on and play like they're one of the sisters on Charmed, or (gasping for air and my chest) Harry Potter. Magick can be fun and cool but it can be serious stuff too. Personal issues need to rise to the surface and be dealt with, prior to dealing with any spell work or demon. The most difficult demon in my perspective has been the demon of my ego.

I also see this immaturity in people closer to my age. People, who, because of their social situation may be using the Path for the purpose of escaping their normal, mundane and everyday life. Escapism is fine but isn't this Path about confronting one's demons head on? These people seem to only get the superficial part of the magick. There are other things to do, besides just magick, that will add excitement to one's life: travel, sports, arts/crafts or SEX.

The other thought rolling around my head is about honesty. I made a critique on a friend's class the other day. He made the statement that if one hangs around Leos long enough and one can handle it, that they give you honesty. This has stuck in my mind. Although I agree that I am guilty of it, I figured out how flawed it really is. Nobody can really know for sure if another can handle the truth... and some truths are best kept secret. In a very particular situation in my life right now, I would rather keep the secret and preserve the friendship because there is no harm being done, except to myself.

The Silvery Moon and Snickerdoodles

2011-01-19T22:17:00.000-08:00

I have another post that I wrote tonight. Mostly because I needed to log my observation but I probably will not post it. Unfortunately, it will not make sense

Tonight, I spent the full moon with my Circle of sisters, a group of Wiccans. I joined their circle as a sister, not as a Witch. I will continue with my identity as a magician. This Circle was formed to avoid the drama and the mistrust that are often associated with covens, orders or other types of magickal groups. We love, trust and accept each other.

It was beautiful under the light of the full moon. We each brought a symbol of what we bring to the Circle. I brought a gold string and a silver string, each tied on the end and then knotted together at the center. This token symbolized my Work with my next goddess and the strengths that I bring to the Circle. My intentions are to rebuild and strengthen the goddess' attributes within me and lay down the foundations, even stronger. My newest goddess has very strong ties with my current one so I know the two will work well together. She kinda just landed in my lap. (Funny how those things work)

We combined our energies to focus in on each other's wish for the next month. We charged another item with the wish and asked that it might grow. Our hands joined in circle, like a battery on each other's item and I sensed the magick swirl into each of our items from our bodies in a stream of light. We did a very simple act of divination and the ritual ended with a very OBVIOUS, but completely outta of the blue, note from a favorite goddess of the sister who lead the ritual. She just kinda showed up. We shared fudge and libated with Snickerdoodles and wine. It couldn't have worked out any better or more blessed or more perfect.

Finding Balance

2011-01-15T23:11:00.000-08:00

Last week, on the same day of my personal tragedy, two of our four dogs escaped. One was a mama dog I nicknamed "Anubis" and her puppy that I nicknamed "Balance". (Both dogs have different names given to them by my children.) I named the puppy Balance because he reminded me of a Golden Dawn nemyss and he was born under my son's bed about the same time I began my work with the goddess of truth and balance. (My son had adopted the stray mama dog and we weren't aware that she was already pregnant)

From the beginning the dog was a challenge, just like achieving Balance. He was the runt of the litter but he was always the meanest. He used to beat up his bigger brothers, steal the bed all for himself, leaving his bigger brothers crying for a warm bed. He would growl and bark loudly at the bigger dogs if he didn't get his way and hog the dog food bowl. He was not the puppy I would have kept from the litter, I would have picked his over sized kinder soft-spoken brother. One has to accept what is given us to find Balance.

I am also not happy to say he tore up about $75.00 worth of Victoria's Secret lacy silky thongs, several good shirts, countless socks and several of my daughter's favorite outfits, typical puppy stuff. We all had to quickly learn that our laundry had to be set carefully in the garage laundry basket so that he wouldn't get to our clothing. Balance takes some adjustment.

One of the biggest issues with Balance was that the dog pees way more than a normal dog should. If he gets overly excited he pees. He has peed when when he ate his special dog food. He used to pee when he got excited when we came home. He would pee if he got to play ball. He would pee if he was let into the house for a bit to play with my daughter. He would pee when he greeted me in the morning. That DAMN DOG PISSED EVERYWHERE. I quickly learned that the dog needed to be quieted down and relaxed before we did anything with him to prevent him from peeing. Balance needs calm.

When we lost him, my daughter cried. She asked me, "Mama, can you please say a prayer to the gods and the goddesses that the dogs come back home?" Now, when your tearful sweet sad little girl asks you to say a prayer to the goddess, you're OBLIGATED. I did some work with a goddess that is known for her associations with dogs and left it at that. Balance can be found with the help of the gods and goddesses.

We kept checking the animal shelters, the Internet and the paper. We kept regular patrol of the neighborhood and asked every neighbor we could about it. One must continue to strive to find Balance.

Today, there was an ad in the paper about a found dog in our area of town. Here is the conversation that transpired:

"Is he a black and white dog?"

"Yes"

"Is he like an Australian Shepherd mix?"

"Yes"

"Um...er... does he pee alot?"

"I THINK I HAVE YOUR DOG!!!!"

I am happy to say that Balance was found and the people who took him in for the week also gave him some free vet care since they work for a pet hospital. This was a BIG RELIEF for me too since I have been concerned about how I would pay for the required puppy immunizations. As before, I will be sure to honor the goddess that helped us find Balance.

Is It All About Love

2011-01-13T21:32:00.000-08:00

I had a personal tragedy happen last week. I was devastated, which meant to me, do extra duty on meditation, prayer and ritual. When you re a mama, you have to stay strong for your children. I have to actively keep my guard up so my fear and sadness does not bleed through to my kids but my heart open to LOVE.

Regardless of how depressing the situation is, dinner needs to be cooked, homework needs to be done and laundry needs to be washed (and let's not forget the day job too). A parent has to set their needs aside. I have found that if I let myself fall apart, it effects the way my kids cope when I am away from them. They have difficulties concentrating, their inter-personal skills fail and their overall health begins to diminish. On the other hand, being too severe and harsh causes the child's self-esteem to lower. They don't feel loved and that feeling of unlove can take a very long time to heal. Unlove creates a kind of betrayal that is long lasting because their minds are truly like sponges, soaking up every minute detail with hyperfocus. A parent has to set their issues aside and FOCUS on making the best of the situation.

Although I have set my needs aside for years, the magick helped me significantly for this tragedy. On each night, I did the Work and let my heart fill with Love. I asked for only a little assistance so the whole situation didn't blow up in my face. It kept me strong and I kept a fair amount of focus through the whole ordeal. I do not cry very often, its not my way. Tears (or fear for the matter) do little, in my mind, for helping situations but the whole dilemma was very depressing and dark. I finally cried after 5 days. That night, I did some Work, again, filling my heart with Love.

I am still in astonishment that the whole dark depressing situation did a complete 180, the very next day. If you knew the true severity of the situation, you would be astonished too. Even some of my closest friends do not know how bad it really was.

I made sure to honor those spirits that helped me..

So What Am I

2011-01-12T19:16:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me not too long ago if I was a witch. I quickly answered with a "No" because I consider myself a magician. I play with Wiccans, and Druids, regularly, but I am definitely a magician. I can relate to CM. The person had some disparaging remarks about Wicca, that at first, seem to make sense but then I realized later that the person has pretentious hater tendencies. Note to self: Do a little more filtering when I am around that particular person.

Like with everything, the comment began a long process of wondering. I know many ceremonial magicians have a flavor, some are Wiccan flavored, some are Christian flavored, some are Thelema flavored, some are Golden Dawn flavored and I believe there are even Druid flavored ones.

So since I started to think about flavorings, my mind went directly to sweet things to eat. (The low calorie diet is really beginning to test me.) If ceremonial magick were a dessert treat, would I love it and what would the type of dessert treat would it be? Wiccan would definitely be a harvest cake or a carrot cake with yummy sticky frosting. Thelema would be a triple chocolate cake with a cherry on top. The Golden Dawn would definitely be a sundae with three types of ice cream, loaded with syrups, nuts and sprinkles. Druidry would be a oatmeal raisin ice cream sandwich with butter pecan ice cream in the middle. Christian mysticism would be a thick creamy New York style cheesecake with extra strawberries and/or cherries on top.

Would I love these desserts? I answer with a resounding, "YES!!!"

Now I have to go back to reality and eat my carrots, celery sticks and lean white meat for dinner. At least I am not starving like I am in a third world country.

Non-Ownership

2011-01-09T21:01:00.000-08:00

My mood is dark, yet I feel liberated.

Its difficult to claim non-ownership when you have spend a lifetime nurturing, loving and caring and then life goes awry. Sometimes, one has to say, "I did my best!", then let it go.

But the non-ownership is not the only big obstacle, one has to allow oneself to continue to feel non-ownership. I read something in my BOTA studies that stated:

"Liberation is indefinitely progressive".

These words stung and burned because it meant that my battle with ownership will be on-going. My feelings will not change. I will continue to feel sad, angry or disappointed. I am human, however, I do not need to stay in that vicious cycle. I do NOT have to claim ownership to the pain.

I Will, however, continue to claim ownership to the Love.

Holy Men Are Rock Stars

2011-01-07T13:02:00.000-08:00

I was glancing over my FB friend suggestions and I befriended one of the other bloggers. I really thought he was on my list. Then, as a result, I looked over his friends to see if we had mutual friends. What I discovered was page after page after page of BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. Some of those women are REALLY REALLY HOT. I mean, I would do them!!! Following my curiosity, I checked my other fellow male bloggers ("Holy Men") friends list and found the same thing... PATTERN RECOGNITION TIME.

So I have been thinking about rock stars lately. Holy men are like rock stars and they must have groupies for the matter. I am sure there are many, many, many situations, where a HOLY MAN will have students, collaborative magickal associates and friends but methinks that a holy man would also have groupies, especially in the magickal arena, where the attitude towards sex is a bit more healthy. Couple that positive sexual attitude with a seemingly confident, well-put-together, powerful and/or magickal demeanor and you got instant "holy-man-crush". Here the definition for a "groupie":

A groupie is a person who seeks emotional and sexual intimacy with a musician or other celebrity. "Groupie" is derived from group in reference to a musical group, but the word is also used in a more general sense, especially in casual conversation.

So I started to ask myself, "Am I a Holy Man groupie?" and the answer was a resounding, "No" for the following reasons:

I can think for myself.
The "holy" status is something I desire to attain, not just a adore. Groupie status implies subversion and although I am still a beginner, I wish to get to the level of holiness.
I don't idolize the "holy men". I see them for what they are, humans, riddled with issues and problems, who also need to run to the mini-market every now and again for bread and milk.
I can make choices myself, instead of a constant deference to the "holy man".
I don't emotionally implode if the holy man differs in opinion with me. I make note of the difference, try to find the truth in it and if it simply doesn't work for me, the idea gets thrown in the trash (or sometimes even the closet)

The reason for my concern about the whole Holy Man groupie concept was the "sexual intimacy" part of the definition for a groupie, especially since I have made the decision that someone I date has to be on a same/similar/equivalent path. Previously, I felt strongly that I had to keep myself in check in that regard but after thinking about it a long time, I realized that the desire to stick with people who are aligned to my beliefs is a more PRACTICAL reason, than anything else. After coming out of an abusive, co-dependent and enabling relationship, it was really important to me that I got that straight in my head. I want to stand on my own two feet.

The Silence (Or the Science) of Blogging

2011-01-04T19:13:00.000-08:00

Do you know those people, who just don't want to ever shut up? They talk, and its like verbal diarrhea coming out of their mouths. They talk without ever really saying anything. They talk and its like they love the sound of their voices or they re afraid of the uncomfortable, dare I say, SILENCE. I know several people like that and there are times I really want to wring their necks.

When I was growing up, silence was something that was imposed by my father in a very martial way. My brothers, sisters and I just did it. We played, QUIETLY. We listened to music, QUIETLY. We spoke, QUIETLY. Our family kept our silence out of reverence for my dad. My father, himself, seldom spoke and he is the only person I have ever known, to go DAYS without speaking. Yet, he still communicated with us. My father is still my hero because of his Wisdom and I strive to continue his tradition of Silence. It makes it easier to hear the Truth. I find it difficult to focus when there is no Silence. My own children are very aware that, "Mama needs her quiet time".

It was very difficult growing up being silent. People who are extroverted tend to get more attention, more "one on one". People gravitate to the talkative one and the person who speaks the loudest, usually gets their issues resolved quicker than the one who sits back silently. I grew up feeling like I was ignored most of the time or felt dull because I never had anything to say. One of the problems of my marriage was that I barely spoke. I am just a quiet person, by nature, but it was just something my ex husband never learned to deal with.

I have been quietly working on my hyper silence for many years (partly to save my doomed marriage) and I realized I had a knack for communication, in general. Here's a couple of thoughts that came out of working with the Science of Silence:

Some things really HAVE TO BE SAID, like, "I love you" or "I believe in you"

One needs Silence to determine the appropriate things to say, such as "I love you" or "I believe in you"

Say too much, and nobody really listens to you anyway or can understand you

Say too much and you may just drown out a message or lesson that needs to be conveyed

The silent ones are the people who I want to learn from

The silent ones should realize that they need to speak up every now and then, so others can share their wisdom and experience.

And finally, the lesson I just learned about Silence that really came out of my recent post about ceasing this blog and meditation on my dear wise father. Silence is the reverence for the Wisdom, the Work, which can only be done if we, "Fucking Shut Up!" every now and again.

So if you ever meet me in person, do not expect me to be the loudest or most talkative in the room. I will probably smile, shake your hand or plant a big hug on you but I will not have a grandiose conversation on my Work. This blog is the only place you will get that, and probably only a small percentage in 500 words or less.

Here are two posts from 2009 from two very magickal people. I found the posts in my search for the meaning of Silence in the context of the Work. They are short, but still very relevant to me:

Frater RO's Post on "Know, Will, Dare and Be Silent"

Frater Robert's response to RO's post on Silence

Stop Blogging?

2011-01-03T20:16:00.000-08:00

I was told, just recently, that blogging was probably not a good idea for me but since I already started that I really shouldn't stop. That PISSED me off. Why? I did not start blogging to gain power or to showcase any talents or because of my Leo-ego. I started blogging to gain the input of people smarted than me and more experienced in the ceremonial magick arena. It's kinda difficult to get information from some orders, especially if one is not an initiate, so I felt the blogosphere would be a good venue to use as a sounding board. If a reader gains insight from my posts or finds entertainment in my writing, then GREAT. Love it!

Someone has also made the comment that the blog opens me up to the politics of the various groups within the ceremonial magick arena. That also PISSED me off. Why? Because I hate politics, and all drama for the matter. I do not really care who is "disagreeing" with who or about what. Simply put, I want to learn the magick and all of the other shit is just a distraction to what I really want to do. My intentions are truly and sincerely for learning. If I can write it down in a post, I can say that I worked on that particular concept, found the relevant associations within my own life and progressed further in the Work. My posts may not be grandiose epiphanies or a showcase of scholarly knowledge of the various rites or fanciful prose full of visualizations but IT IS ALL ME. It truly hurt me that someone would imply that my posts could spur politics and drama because I believe my intentions and my actions are pretty clear-cut. I AM EAGER AND WILLING TO LEARN.

So I will continue to blog, make notes of any comments (which are always appreciated), read the other blogs, filter all of the bullshit and make my OWN decision on the truth with a little help with whatever Light is given to me, regardless of who or what blogo-issue might be blocking it.

Thank you kind reader for your continued input and support!

New Year's Resolutions

2011-01-03T19:08:00.000-08:00

Here are my magickal New Year's Resolutions:

Continue my current studies in magick
Read at least 5000 pages of ceremonial magick books (not including online stuff)
Complete at least 150 blog posts by the end of the year
Loose at least 10 more pounds because a lean strong body means a stronger spirit
Go to at least 2 magickal conferences, because conferences are cool
Go to the beach at least 2 times, because the beach is a holy place
Complete my Tarot courses
Involve myself, not just experience, in at least 15 group rituals
Observe/Experience at least 2 sex magick rites (note: I did not use the word "do")
Do at least 2 involved charitable events
Complete at least 4 more ritual tools
Visit at least 2 different occult/magick stores
Evoke a teeny weeny, itsy, bitsy spirit that will bake me some chocolate chip cookies and be gone

Hod, Netzach and The Journey

2010-12-31T11:41:00.000-08:00

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. -Lao Tzu

My call of the water quarter brought me here to Hod but I was surprised to find that Hod is not the sephira associated with emotions. The fiery Netzach is associate with emotions. Hod is watery and feminine but the sephira is associated with science and intellect and breaking down processes into discrete components. After thinking about discrete components, I understood why Hod is watery. Water has three phases, solid as ice, liquid in ambient temperature and gas as steam. None of the other elements of fire, air or earth can exhibit the three phases of matter like water. No matter what type of heat is applied, cold or hot, water is still divisible into individual components. Fire has a component of water. Here is a basic stochionometric combustion equation:

CH4 + 2O2 --> CO2 + 2H2O
(note: no subscripts... bad, bad girl engineer!)

The equation is for the combustion of methane. The equation basically means that methane as fuel (earth) combined with oxygen (air) to create combustion and the resulting products of combustion are heat, carbon dioxide and water. This basic chemical equation is the reason the global warming folks have their panties in a bunch about carbon dioxide/greenhouse gases. The important concept to remember is that water at ambient temperature and pressure is a liquid and water requires energy to stay in the form of ice or steam. When considering ice and steam as an analogy for the mechanism of the human personality, the energy required to make steam is the energy provided in the sephira of Netzach. Netzach is the energy or the frequency vibration required to release the components of understanding the human experience. In order to activate understanding and intellect of Hod, one must apply the fiery sphere of Netzach. Hod needs Netzach to drive it. The two cannot exist without each other and both must be in harmony.

Hod and Netzach are the analogy of our legs, which work together on our 1,000 mile journey.

Understanding life's lessons and learning in general is best done within a context. I realized that concept many years ago and I have always used it to my advantage. Learning is slow and arduous if done strictly within the realm of rote, however, attach real life experiences to learning and one can accelerate the learning curve, significantly. What is the most natural way to do this for me? I attach sensory perceptions to the concepts, sight, smell, sound, touch and taste, the whole, "learn by doing" concept. I have also been learning to open myself to my emotions, instead of shoving them, so I can attach those experiences to my learning too. It can be gratifying, painful and wonderful, all at the same time. Incidentally, I believe that is why the ritual experience is so significant to us.

Although this combination of Hod and Netzach has REALLY worked for me, the process can be difficult. I have spent many sleepless nights, days without eating, thorough exhaustion and STRESS because of the way I learn. Lessons tend to bring things out that need to be resolved before one can go on. I am totally addicted to it in a GOOD way but I do tend to drive one of my mentors a little batty because of my eagerness. (Whining 13-year old voice ...but I want to invoke/evoke a spirit NOW!) Although I am eager to experience the "heat" intensity of the various ceremonial magick experiences, I know all too well how my own process of evolution has effected me so I defer, quite humbly but not so happily, to my mentors recommendations and guidances.

Note: My assumption presented here for Hod and Netzach are all independent of time. I still hold the following mantra:

Persistance and Determination alone are omnipotent.

It's Funny How the Universe Works

2010-12-29T23:54:00.000-08:00

I have been having some real issues lately and over the course of 48 hours I got the much needed solution framework to my dilemmas

I have had a couple of very significant conversations with some very magickal people, in which, a robust solution has been laid out for me. The conversation in one case was very specific but in other situations, just gave me very good ideas and inspiration of how to deal with my dilemmas. New ways of looking at both the problem and the solution were given to me. It was like the universe way laying out the puzzle pieces for me to put together or the tracks for a train.

What made the conversations very unusual was that they were completely out of the blue and unplanned. I had to be in the right place at the right time to receive these messages and since the timing of any situation in my life can be quite challenging, the opportunity was quite extraordinary.

This all came at a time when I was having some reservations of the Path I have chosen. I have been asking myself, "Am I being hoodwinked?"

Money Sucks

2010-12-28T12:52:00.000-08:00

I am posting out of order. I am still working on my qabalah Hod post....

The month of December has really hit my finances incredibly hard. For those of you who know me personally, this is not something I would admit face to face. I still have my pride. It's been tough keeping my head above water. Really tough. Been trying to do some money magick, but to no avail. A good friend and good magician that I know mentioned that my problems do not stem from money. My issues stem from time since my need is immediate.

Never thought about it that way. I have to figure out some magick to do for time. I have never seen any spellwork for it but I am sure a quick internet search will solve that.... Or will it?

Christmas Stress

2010-12-24T15:39:00.000-08:00

Christmas has always been a tough time for me. Partly because, the notion of family has always had a negative connotation to it and families usually gather together to celebrate at this time. My blood-line relatives and siblings absolutely hate each other so we never really celebrated together (or at all for the matter). I never had that strong feeling of tradition or even Love during Christmas.

As an adult, Christmas usually meant someone getting drunk and a fight would soon break out or a house full of ingrates that sat out while I spent the entire Christmas dinner serving them and then cleaning the mess up myself. That got old really fast.

And there's that whole materialism issue that bothers me too.

I have always tried to instill the meaning of Christmas in my children, regardless of my own feeling towards it. Its supposed to be about good will and Love and I feel I done a damn good job of putting the spirit of Christmas in my kids' hearts, despite all of the other shit.

So tonight, I will finish my baking, prep the Christmas dinner and wrap the last gifts, as I always do. But tonight I will do something different that I have never done before. I will say prayers for myself so that I can finally heal from my Christmas-time feeling of turmoil and feel the spirit of good will and Love myself

The Lunar Eclipse

2010-12-21T21:41:00.000-08:00

Its been quite rainy here in the Central Valley since about Thursday. Our streets are flooded and several dry creek beds and river beds have runneth over. Our valley is very smoggy from agricultural dusts, industrial soots and vehicular pollution so the natural cleansing of the air has been quite refreshing. It has been so rainy, our street system cannot take the overflow and several of the neighborhood streets have been flooded and/or closed.

The storm seem to have a strong effect on me physically, despite the cleaner air. I was fighting off an on-going horrible migraine, which seemed to correlate in strength and duration with the water saturating our part of the earth. (told you i have had water issues) I was fine during the actual Yule ritual but didn't feel myself before or after. Several people noticed that I was not feeling myself. I am limited to one pain killer, acetaminophen and that didn't work. I tried rest, no alcohol, compresses, tea, increasing my fluid intake, soft music, liniment and some light massage to my head/neck and shoulders. My Gal suggested I ask Robert for some help, which I was willing to try, given my desperation. My first reaction was to say, "what the hell can he do for me?" but My Gal is so cool and helpful so I asked him for a little help despite of my doubts.

Well, I'm happy to say, whatever he did, made my migraine disappear. He told me he really did nothing and it was all me. I simply allowed myself to heal.

Gotta do that more often

The Lunar Eclipse
Since the skies were cloudy, there wasnt anything visible for the eclispe. I nearly missed it because I spent the evening cleaning my temple room (my bedroom) and lost track of time. Fortunately, I had the neat coolio spreadsheet worked out with the planetary times and put it all in a bar graph chart along with the void course times. I had approximately 30 minutes to do SOMETHING before the night went into the void course. Did my research and had some ideas what I would do. I had the ideas, neatly outlined and ready. Since I lost a good portion of the time, I did the simplest thing I could do.

I spent the rest of the eclipse, hoping I could get a glimpse of the coppery moon. No luck

Yule

2010-12-18T21:08:00.000-08:00

On Saturday night, our pagan tribe celebrated Yule. The purple witch lead the ritual, which used the Egyptian pantheon. Typically, we use the Greek or the Celtic pantheons. It was a nice change.

I have been calling a quarter for the Tribe rituals for a while now and I got stuck on the air quarter. It was familiar to me so I stuck with it. I was avoiding water, like the plague. I have a difficult time with water. I never know quite know what to do with it. My overwhelming issues with water are my emotions but my issues with my emotions had prevented me from looking into the other attributes of water. For several weeks now, I have been focusing on understanding trying to understand the other attributes of water in preparation for the Yule ritual and my quarter call, which will no doubt inspire a future post on Hod.

The element of water is a feminine energy, which I always had difficulties with. Prior to returning to the Path, I used to say, "I am comfortable with my masculinity!" In a male-dominated profession, it becomes quite easy to butch up or become totally androgynous and become one of the guys. Unfortunately, what happens with this type shift is something similar to what happens to drag queens. One becomes a caricature.

Although my personality is not quite as severely masculine as it was 10 years ago, I still went out of my way this last 3 or 4 weeks to bring out and enjoy the feminine energy within me. What happened? I got moody: crying at odd times, flying off the handle and overly sentimental. What else happened? I went through a type of awareness and then an internal healing, something that I never thought was an issue of my personality, a mother part of me. Somehow, that part of me was taking over, bringing me down and causing me a multitude of problems. Now that I am aware of it, I can take steps to get it back under control.

The night I did my quarter for Yule, the strength of my vibrations were incredible. I found gained a new understanding of myself and used that energy to control an issue that has been plaguing me. I could definitely feel the difference.

Vibrational Analysis

2010-12-09T22:15:00.001-08:00

This one of those posts that I tried desperately to finish... Writer's block. Too much for one blog post, so I'm going to wrap it up and be done with it:

Lately, my life feels like a spring, not the season though, the coily-thingy or a pendulum would also be a good example too. I go happy/sad, merciful/cruel, strong/weak, and good/bad. Up down, up down, up down and up down. Back and Forth and Back and Forth. Phew! That's exhausting!

I have been thinking about natural frequencies, vibrations, and oscillations, as they pertain to the Work, which has brought me back to some very painful lessons (my engineering class known as "vibes", a year of pure torture). So here are some thoughts that have come to mind and awareness to me

Frater Robert mentioned something about the Kundalini just recently, which to me is essentially a spiritual "spring".

My sister, My Gal, is pregnant and when she asked what we thought was the reason for her waddle, my response to her was that our bodies can be modeled as a simple spring and the extra mass causes increased oscillations to the body. I personally believe that the energy emanating from a pregnant mommy also occurs when they are sedentary, a cool/loving/positive type of "vibe".

The vibrations formed for ritual are controlled oscillations using the breath and causing the vocal chords to vibrate at certain frequencies.

So what do all of these spring concepts have in common? Energies are frequency vibrations. Too much vibrational energy can cause damage but in the right proportions can cause change that can be optimized, utilized and therefore perceived.

So what does this have to do with me? My spirit is going through new types of vibrations now, that although are quite refreshing, have been quite exhausting because the energy is still difficult for me to control. Like the spring or a pendulum, my experiences go through oscillations, the back/forth and up/down.

So what has been my solution to these hyper-oscillations? I turned to my vibes class and the model of a simple spring for inspiration: focus the energy about one axis of motion, change the value of the "spring constant, k" by improving the quality of the material and finally decreasing the mass pulling and pushing on the spring. In magickal terms:

Focus the energy, through meditation;
Improve the quality of the spirit, through magick (that whole metal to gold idea); and
Decrease the mass on the spring, by ridding myself of the "attachments".

Which reminds me of a quote I used in a previous post:

We cannot deal with evil by cutting it off and destroying it, only by absorbing it and harmonizing it -Dion Fortune

Was Dion Fortune an engineer?

Imposition of One's Perspective

2010-12-09T21:18:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have been plagued with anger and I have been finding it has stems from my desire to impose my expectation on others. That, and I'm angry at things I have no control over, which again is the imposition of my the way I think my environment should be. I have made an effort to become more aware of my environment, but in doing so, actually have become more aware of how I react to situations.

At first I really thought my flare ups were caused by some external force, somethings I needed to defend myself against but now I realize that the strongest force against myself has been within. As I write this, it sounds like a regurgitation of concepts that I have heard before (Again and again) but since I have issues with it (STILL), I must not fully understand it.

I consider myself a pretty intelligent cookie but the understanding I'm talking about is not something that is linearly related to an IQ score. In fact, I am almost positive that IQ can be a hindrance, because intelligence usually comes with a measure of arrogance and self-importance (ego).

In true PhoenixAngel form, my meditation on my issues has lead me to my engineering background and from a subject I really detested, vibrational analysis. I actually have been thinking about it for sometime in my efforts to get some good solid vibrations for ritual. Hopefully I can capture these thoughts in another post

Storytelling

2010-12-06T20:34:00.000-08:00

My friend, Gynwyt Siarad, had a birthday this weekend and so did my little girl. It seems like Sagittariuses have become a very important part of my life. Another good friend has her birthday this week too.

My previous post was on a story of an ungrateful tiger and a foolish traveler. I had the pleasure of telling this story to both my dear friend and my little girl. I tried my best to incorporate some references to my studies. I place great importance on the oral tradition and storytelling since it has been the means for passing on our traditions for eons. Besides, as a mommy, its kinda my job! Kids, and adults for that matter, are spoon-fed artistic interpretations, which I believe can kill the imagination if not balanced with personal expression and interpretation. What I am finding is that a magician needs a good imagination. Besides, nothing like snuggling up with a good book and your child. It's some of the best magick that I have ever experienced. Before TV, the cinema and video games, people used to share their traditions and their values in the guise of a good oral story. It's something that connects us to our ancestors.

My other thoughts this week are on teachers and mentors. I have been blessed with several, some formally and others informally. In my mind, I have privately named this person or that person as a personal teacher, whether they know it or not. I know for certain, that some will be short-lived. Others try to provide me with all sorts of advice and my bullshit meter quickly goes into the red zone

An Ungrateful Tiger

2010-12-02T20:49:00.000-08:00

A little deviation from my normal ranting. This is a gift for a dear friend who loves stories. I tried to include some references to my studies:

In a dark jungle, there was a small village. The people of the village were being tormented by a very large fiery colored tiger with big sharp teeth, long claws like daggers like and crimson eyes. Teeth that could tear a man apart in one big CHOMP. Claws that could cut a man's leg off with one big SWISH. Well naturally, since this tiger was a very large tiger, he never seemed to get enough to eat so he took it upon himself to eat the village people as snacks. One very fortunate villager got away from the very large tiger, but, minus one leg. The tiger ate an elephant that night so he was just looking for some dessert.

The villagers decided they would do something about their unfortunate ordeal so they began to dig a very large hole in the earth to trap the very large tiger. Everyone in the village participated, especially the man with one leg, who dug the most dirt. The man with one leg especially had a vengeance against the very large tiger. After all, he had only one leg and a man who stands on one leg can be very mean and spiteful.

So the very large tiger was caught in the very large hole in the earth. He howled and whined for a very long time, like all very large tigers do and a traveler happened upon the very large fiery colored tiger.

"Oh say, tiger, mighty fiery tiger, what is the matter?", asked the traveler.
"Cant you see? I have been trapped in this very large hole. If you let me out. I will forever be grateful.", said the tiger.

The traveler, being a very kind with good intentions. found an oxen tied one end of the rope to the ox and the other end to a very large tree. using a very large whip, the traveler struck the ox until it pulled a tree limb into the very large hole. Using the tree limb, the very large tiger jumped out. The kind traveler with good intentions, promptly kicked the ox in his butt and sent him on his way.

"I must be going now Tiger", said the traveler.
"Not so fast", said the Tiger, "I'm going to eat you!"
"WHAT? That's not fair. You said you would be grateful. Why do you want to eat me", said the traveler.
"Because I a mighty fiery very large tiger and tigers eat people.", said the tiger.
"I think we should ask someone to see if that fair." said the traveler.

So the traveler and the tiger found the ox and asked him if he felt it was fair for the tiger to eat the traveler.

"I think its fair for the tiger to eat you. Humans treat oxen very badly. We work all day for you under the pain of your whips and when you are done with us, you kick us in the butt", said the ox.

The traveler feeling very nervous and regretful that he treated the ox so badly, said to the tiger, "Lets make it two out of three!"

The tiger still exhausted from his entrapment agreed. They found the biggest tree in the forest, told them their story and the tree said, "I think its fair for the tiger to eat you. You humans chop us down and set fire to the forest and burn us. Did you not just cut a branch down from my brother tree?"

The traveler felt very nervous and regretful, again. He realized that he just treated another living being very badly. He began to shake with terror. He saw a bunny hopping along and pleaded, "Please Mr Bunny, help judge if tiger should eat me?"

The bunny listened intently to their story and said, "Before I make my judgement, I need to see what happened." So the traveler and the tiger showed the bunny the hole.

"Was this branch in the hole?", inquired the bunny.
"No it wasn't!", exclaimed the tiger.
"You should help the traveler move the branch so I can see exactly", remarked the bunny.

The traveler (not wanting to bother the ox again) and the tiger pulled the very large branch out of the hole so the story could be demonstrated to the bunny.

"Now, show me, tiger, exactly where you were when the traveler helped you out?" asked the bunny.

The tiger, being very hungry and impatient, jumped back down in the hole and the bunny issued the following judgement:

"My judgement is that it is not fair that you should eat the traveler. He had good intentions and you should have been grateful."

The bunny hopped away, the traveler rushed off back on his Path (albeit wiser) and the tiger was left AGAIN howling and whining in his hole.

Morals of the story
The man who stands on one leg can be very severe and cruel.
Severity and cruelty will bring out the evil of the tiger.
Only a fool would mistreat an ox and kick him in the butt.
Be nice to the trees or they will leave you out on a limb.

Beware of the bunny, because he will fuck you over.

Just a Little Attitude

2010-11-30T21:57:00.000-08:00

I write this feeling a little depressed. My finances are tight and my paycheck took a cut, which SUCKS. I am in debt since the divorce and my ex has provided little support for the kids since he does not have a job. I am, tho, extremely grateful that I DO have a job. I know it could be worse. I have friends who situations are a bit more bleak, so I know.

Lately, I have been looking for messages from the goddess. Looking for symbols, extraordinary events and well, basically trying to be aware of things that are supposed to provide me hints on my spiritual growth. A variation of the word "balance" has popped up several times in different unique situations. The word has a very magickal significance to me now.

I continue to do the LBRP, BHR and MP daily and of course, my meditations. There was a short time when I thought I was doing it perfectly but then my fraters made sure to correct that. Now, I can confidently say I feel awkward again but I continue to persevere with my awkwardness. Nobody's watching me, except some badass angels so who gives a flying fuck. I keep trying.

I been having 2nd thoughts about my Path. I guess that's just part of it since one of my teachers expressed his approval when I mentioned it. I found his approval a bit twisted but I am finding that the desire to ring your teacher's neck is somewhere between Kether and Tiphareth on the Tree of Life. I think there's also gotta be a Tarot card for it, one of the swords, definitely!

Had A Great Weekend, FML!!!

2010-11-28T22:39:00.000-08:00

I am posting that I am happy. I had a relaxing weekend. No turkey though. I spent my Thanksgiving alone (sans kids) but the quiet did me good. Feeling stronger now that I have found my Strength again from my last Maat meditation. It has made all the difference now that I understand the semantics of "light" and "weak" and the words are not the same.

I spent part of my weekend hand-stitching personal ritual wear, despite the early onset of arthritis in my fingers. Although I am FULLY aware that one can purchase these items online, I feel strongly that the actual hand-work is part of the magick.

Our Tribe meeting also included some guests from another Central Valley California group, which was GREAT. It's always pleasant to hear the voices of other people on the Path. Their group, like ours, is a multi-tradition group, however, it did seem to consist mainly of eclectic wiccans. Although I have committed myself to the ceremonial magician path, I am always willing to hear the perspectives of other people. Maat is teaching me that. It's just part of who she is. Besides, I am not so stubbornly steadfast to my opinions YET. Sometimes, it takes a little while and a slight variation of the words to hear and see truth.

Our discussion included some talk spurred by the Water Witch about the latest "FML" craze, or Fuck My Life, which is essentially a bitching/moaning of how one's life is so messed up because of... well, MENIAL things, eg:

"My cell phone just dropped into the toilet and now I have to buy another one. FML"

Some valid points were brought up in the discussion about gratitude, appreciation and learning the lessons that have been gifted from the Goddess through the obstacles we face on an everyday basis. It was mentioned that the FML viewpoint is essentially showing disdain for god(dess) because you are gifted only with the obstacles that you CAN overcome.

On a lighter note, I am currently figuring out the choreography for my first belly dancing solo. I will be dancing to one of my favorite songs, Serenity by Godsmack

The feather, the heart and two stones

2010-11-22T19:30:00.000-08:00

I recently had some blockages cleared from my feet. The pain was excruciating so i turned to my dear friend Gynwyt Siarad for some help. The pain only occurred during rituals (and especially during my workings with Maat) and I suspected it had to deal the chakras in my feet. During the balancing he handed me 2 stones to hold in each hand that were supposed to balance and ground me.

The stones were a gift from his mentor. I felt special when he handed them to me. I always feel special when a friend shows me their tools, especially ones that are of obvious personal importance. The coolio tools they sell at occult stores and events are neato and badass but the simple, yet significant, are always the ones that impress me the most. Anyone who owns a prized ceramic casting of their toddler's hand print knows EXACTLY how I feel.

The stones visually reminded me of the spherical balls they put into a piece of machinery called a ball mill, which is used to grind rock. The balls are incredibly heavy for their size and they have to have strength in order to break the raw aggregate rock. Unlike a mill ball, Gynwyt's stones were, however, surprisingly light. I keep a mill ball in my office, along with my prized molybdenum aircraft turbine hex-nut. The stones ARE also surprisingly balanced, like my prized hex-nut and the stones were equal weight. I almost thought they were special seeds since Gynwyt Siarad is a druid.

So as I was laying there, holding them and analyzing them with my engineering mind, several things occurred to me. The stones were a Correspondence:

As above, so below, as below, so above - The Kybalion

The stones very much reminded me of my work with Maat, which consists of weighing my heart against Maat's feather in the scales of balance. My heart has to be measured so it can be judged as true and just (and worthy). But since the stones, also resembled my mill ball, I was also reminded that I can also be strong. This Correspondence was exactly what I needed:

I don't need to be WEAK in order to be light, my heart needs to be LIGHT like a feather.