Thursday, July 29, 2010


I was told by the druid that I need to work on my feelings and I have some deep-seated pain buried. He also told me that I don't know how to deal with my feelings. I told him I just needed to balance my air but he told me, "trust me, you're very air". I thought it was a problem with air since I have usually been so quiet about my issues. Since I have experienced his talent for healing and believe in his abilities to plant a seed, I have to trust him on that. Besides, he's a close friend. i am usually completely blind-sided when it comes to my emotions. You have to trust someone when they steer you into a direction in which you cannot really see and understand.

I had my birthday this weekend and instead of partying it up, like I should have, I stayed home and felt sorry for myself. I don't have a problem with getting older. I look really good for my age and I like the wisdom and experience of being older... so why did I stay home alone? Why didn't I just call someone and hang with them. In turn, I ended up posting a big, "Fuck You!" on Facebook even though. I wouldnt really say anything like that normally. So why the blow-up, like a 2-liter bottle of soda and mentos?

Because I am majorly resentful. It eats at me on a on-going basis. It is the bulk of my emotions. it fuels my passions, my self-isolation and my distrust, simultaneously and has displaced the foundation for what are typically positive feelings.

OMG. What the hell am I gonna do?

My gut instinct is that it is about Love and definitely trust


Rufus Opus said...

You wouldn't be so bitter and resentful if people didn't suck so bad.

That's code for "your feelings are valid," and you've got to remember they are the natural (though unhealthy) result of being treated badly. Love and Trust don't just come, they too are results, healthy states that have to grow from seeds, that have to be tended and treated right in order to bloom.

Chances are pretty good the universe around you and the self within you have conspired to take very special care of your hate garden. Try to see how you tend your resentment, how you insure its safe, how you keep it watered and fertilized. Then cut it off and let it die.

At the same time, start planting seeds of love and trust. Find some people who you can love and trust, and spend time nurturing those friendships. Be there for them. Love them, be trustworthy with them, then see where you end up.

That's what I had to deal with a lot lately. After my years of Goetic Work, I had acquired a lot of habits of evil nastiness that got all shattered at once in the Eighth Sphere. Totally blown away. Chakras cleansed, shells shattered, husks blown away in the wind, it was beautiful.

But I still had all these habits and reactions that were based on evil tendencies. My tendency had become to take offense, and not only take it, but keep it, raise it, grow it until it blossomed in a huge and terrible hate blossom. I had to change those tendencies and point them at developing love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, humility, and temperance.

Erm, still working on those. :D

Anyway, it gets better.

PhoenixAngel said...

Thank you RO for validating my feelings and sharing your own personal experiences. Its comforting to have a more experienced kindred spirit. I will definitely heed your advice and when its time to cut the hate/resentment garden, you will be one of the first to know.

Your comment meant alot to me and I send you my Love and deeply-felt Gratitude.

You are too cool! :)

Davin Mac Lugh said...

Very very well Said R.O.

Unknown said...

"an unexamined life is not worth living"

that is my favorite quote because it's a constant reminder that as humans, we change and grow all the time and if we don't evaluate ourselves - we wallow and degrade to nothingness.

just you knowing and posting your thoughts regarding this matter shows you are willing to step fowards and change things to your advantage.

unfortunately, when we deal with humankind - stuff like this will happen and we will get hurt, burned, broken, etc etc but it's how we bounce back from adversity that truly defines us.

trust is one of the biggest things that can happen between people and once that is broken, it is almost never the same. i worked with a female co-worker for years now and i used to think we were friends; we laughed and giggled through work - slight flirtation here and there and then she got promoted, i was teasing her for a bit and then afterwards, she reported me to our supervisor.

i was shocked, after all the time we've spent together and that's what i got - i ignored her after wards, moved departments and 5 years has passed already. only last month, i tried befriending her but it is so uncomfortable for me that i can only manage a weak smile at her.

it was just never the same.

but i moved on, made new friends, got promoted etc etc and you will also because you've already decided to take the first steps towards it. :)


p.s: recently, my sister as well just dealt with a trust issue with her best friend and she broke it off - 12 years of friendship gone with a single mistake. this is a little extreme for my taste but she needed to do it..... then we made a song about it.

she moved on.