Monday, March 17, 2014

Conjuring Codependence

"There is no part of me that is not of the Gods!"

For those of you who have never experienced a Gnostic Mass put on by the Ordo Templi Orientes, the above phrase is the statement you make after taking communion. The phrase made me wonder at first, because I always have a hard time with double negatives...

Why isn't it stated: "All of me is of the Gods!"

One thing that has also been lingering on my mind is also the idea of manifestation. I think that manifestation is already easy for some people. If I was Sir Richard Branson, it would be easy to conjure up my own private island complete with castle:

Necker Island in the British Virgin Islands.

I think some people already have the resources available to them to become successful, powerful and wealthy and therefore have the means to "manifest". If you're heterosexual blond and blue-eyed male born to an affluent family, you can expect success, stability and fortune. I can attest to this fact by the number of blond blue-eyed males in my engineering classes in college. Even the ratio of women to men was relatively low compared to the regular population. Whenever people purport their ability to manifest certain things, I always wonder how much Will or magick did they really put into it? I wonder what the actual change was from the baseline. What was the difference?  Did the change involve any internal work?  In my current state, I am having to put a lot of work finding a new home with certain requirements. If, all of the sudden, I manifest a castle on an island, then I can claim success of manifestation, a LOT of magick. (Note: Branson purchased his island getaway at age 28, six years after beginning Virgin Galactic. Now, doesn't THAT make you feel like an underachiever?? LOLOL)

In mathematics, the difference or the change is denoted by the symbol Delta:

Upper Case and Lower Case Delta


The distinction between upper case Delta and lower case delta is the relative change or difference. Upper case Delta represents a macroscopic change (with respect to time, 'wrt') and lower case Delta represents an infinitesimal change (wrt). It's interesting to note the symbol for a macroscopic change is an upwards pointing isosceles triangle, a very stable figure, which alludes to the idea that the larger or more macroscopic the change is with respect to time, the more stable and lasting the change. Whereas, the lower case Delta is a flowing and more volatile form. Magick is stronger, more stable and more productive when the change coincides with a change within the magician. You are able to manifest Divine because the divine is already manifested within yourself. Great strength, wisdom and experience is developed from overcoming struggles and issues. You get out, as much as you put into it.

Infinitesimal change, which is represented by the lower case Delta, is like some of the magick I see in the fluffy bunny culture: get a little incense or potion, say a few words, conjure up a spirit or deity and "POOF"...your life is changed. Some people have success with this magick (I hesitate using the word, "magick") but it doesn't incorporate a well-defined intent or forethought. It's interesting to note that many lottery winners end up losing their fortunes because they simply cannot manage it. It's the same with certain magickal endeavours. A small modification of environment or slight change of perception, that is, an infinitesimal change, will produce only a fleeting result... like the curvature of small Delta.

As an aside,when working with Jupiter, I always caution people that success and wealth can also be the picture of stress, overwhelm and excess. The deadly sin in the context of Jupiter is gluttony (excess)? It's no wonder that the Orphic Hymn to Jupiter ends with the line, "...give blameless health, with Peace Divine and necessary wealth"

So let's get back to the idea of "there's no part of me that is not of the Gods" and the idea of conjuring codependency. IMO, one of the main differences between monotheism and polytheism is that polytheism tends to associate their deities with very human-like characteristics. It's that whole idea of "As above, so below.." The Gods also display sloth, gluttony, anger, pride, lust, avarice and envy. These attributes tend to be enhanced during deity summoning. The lesson continues to re-occur until resolution, reconciliation or redemption. It may not be the best definition but here is the definition of codependency according to Wikipedia:

Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent., let me see here? Do we have any deities that have a "pathological conditions", such as pride (therefore a form of narcissism) or addiction (therefore of gluttony) and are there magicians that may be affected with low self-esteem, denial and excessive compliance? I believe a considerable amount of people try magick to empower themselves but they don't realize the real power is not within the deities, tools or the other magickal items. They become dependent upon these things: the deity becomes the focus of their energy, the blade becomes their comforting warm blanket and the incense becomes a means to drown out the world around them. They may step into the shoes and gowns of the goddess but only for a bit and the process is very much like a toddler playing dress-up with mommy's clothes and makeup, very coy but sophomoric at its best.

Playing Dress-up
My point for this post is to make My Dear Readers cognizant that some people's claim of "manifestation" success may be simply attributed to their background. It's easy to get a job if you're part of the "good ole boys" network and to have stability if you stay at the same mundane boring job for decades. No great changes, and therefore magick,  have occurred in some people's lives relative to the baseline of the affluent life they were born into. Like the Birthday Party Magician, he pulls the rabbit out of the hat, not from thin air, but from a hidden compartment.
Birthday Party Magician pulls the rabbit out his hat.

The real magician is the person who has experienced the Path of the Fool. The One who has traveled a road of unknown with little resources and has experienced a definitive change of consciousness.  The Fool has stepped off the Cliff of Stability, Fortune and Comfort to begin his/her own Life, not from a conjured codependence but a world of great independent macroscopic internal and followed by external change.

Rider Waite Fool Card

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Out of Sync

In engineering there is a thing called "mass imbalance". It is what causes your washing machine to thump because the load is heavier on one side. Mass imbalance creates a great force, an impact (anyone who runs to turn off the washing machine because they are afraid its gonna run away, knows what I mean). Well, that "force" creates a positive momentum, even though it is an imbalance. It can propel anything forward.

If you think about this in a spiritual way, the mechanism is the same. Anytime our lives feel out of sync or imbalanced, it really means you are moving and changing, spiritually. As above, so below...

A body in rest tends to stay at rest, and a body in motion tends to stay in motion, unless the body is compelled to change its state. -Newton's First Law


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Too Much or Not Enough

People who complain too much, have too much time on their hands and not much power in their life. People who don't complain enough, don't have enough time on their hands or enough control over their Life. People who learn to balance time, power and control, know Beauty. People who have too much power and control do not know or have time for Love.


Thursday, January 23, 2014

Respect for the Little Guy, 小傢伙

I haven't blogged for quite so time. There are so many changes occurring in my life right now and I have also been devoting quite a bit of time to the Great Work. Something happened tonight that, to some, would have been, "No big deal", or "Insignificant", but for me, was quite momentous.

My Jupiter Angel had a pet hamster. I disliked rodents and I didn't want the pet. I have always had a bit of a fear of rodents since I read Charles Dickens, "A Tale of Two Cities", at a impressionable and wildly imaginative age. My perceptions of rodents were poisoned with images of plague, darkness and filth.  I told Jupiter Angel that the pet was her responsibility. Our former hamsters were always the kids' responsibility. I also disliked the shortness of their lifespan, smell of their cages, their habit of biting, their fragility and the frequent times the hamsters got loose from their cage. Basically, I disliked the whole notion of rodent.

Little Guy was different though. He had a different personality. He was friendly, curious and seemed to always want to climb up his cage to say hello to me. I tried very hard to keep my detachment and distance from the rodent, but it was just too hard. I ended up just kinda loving his little spirit. Many times, I could hear his little voice, asking me for special treats, like crackers or a piece of fruit and I always humbly obliged him with parts of salads, cracker pieces or end pieces of fruit. He would show his gratitude by showing off his great hamster abilities of climbing to the very tops of his wire cage, running sprints on his wheel and just generally showing feats of training for the Great Hamster Triathlon. He was absolutely adorable!! He was a model for "living in the moment".

He passed yesterday night. I knew he wasn't doing too well and tried to nurse him back to health through some tender loving care and good food with nutrients. It felt sad to me to see his lifeless body where before, he was a little bundle of happy energy. Since I am squeamish with dead things, I was tempted to take the easy route and just dump the entire cage into the bin, pretending it was no big deal and insignificant. It would be taken away in the muck and smell of the garbage truck. But Jupiter Angel told me a story of her last hamster. Her father had scolded her for not caring for the animal. She had memories of her father over handling the hamster's dead body and he kept dropping him over and over and over, very callously.

I realized, I needed to be an adult for Jupiter Angel and get over my issues for myself... and also acknowledge my own feelings for the animal and the pet's ability to change my perception. Within his small 2-3 ounce body were very large tools of joy, healing and growth, very much deserving of proper respect and homage.

I also asked myself, "How can I call myself a badass magician, if I cant even handle the burial of a small but well-loved pet??"

While moving his body, I kept having internal arguments with myself of "It's no big deal", "This is entirely stupid or unnecessary, just get rid of it" and "ICK!!!" but I forced myself to focus on the love, respect and ritual of the ordeal. I was surprised how quickly my High Priestess, just kinda kicked in, instead of the immaturity and squeamishness.

I picked a spot under a tree and a rose bush in nice rich soil, which is near a little rock garden. I consecrated his body, as I have done for others (humans), and said prayers to the Divine for his little spirit. I thought of how rodents are associated with one of my patrons and asked the deity to grant his entrance to his temple, as a being of honor. I gave him a nice grave and lit special incense on his burial mound.

Jupiter Angel was afraid to see him afterwards but seemed quite comforted after I showed her the nice grave I gave him. I told her how hard it was for me. She somberly and quietly paid her respect. .

Was this a being of darkness, disease and filth? Was this ordeal insignificant or "no big deal".


I wanted to impart to Jupiter Angel the value of honoring all beings and animals are not just disposable and trash. The lesson was as much of a test of my own Will, as it was a lesson of closure and respect for all Life for my Jupiter Angel.  Besides, I really liked the Little Guy.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Random Visions of the Apocalyspe, Chapter 12

No commentary on this posts, just pictures that reminded me of the Bible passage. Sometimes, images can speak a thousand words

Relevation 12:1-17 or "Chapter 12"

12 A great sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head.

Rider-Waite-Smith, High Priestess and Empress Tarot

2 She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth. 3 Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on its heads. 4 Its tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and flung them to the earth. 

Azoth of the Philosophers

The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth, so that it might devour her child the moment he was born. 

Goya: Saturn Devouring His Son
5 She gave birth to a son, a male child, who “will rule all the nations with an iron scepter.”[a] And her child was snatched up to God and to his throne. 6 The woman fled into the wilderness to a place prepared for her by God, where she might be taken care of for 1,260 days.

7 Then war broke out in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back. 
Archangel Michael Fighting the "Dragon"

8 But he was not strong enough, and they lost their place in heaven. 9 The great dragon was hurled down—that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him.

10 Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:

“Now have come the salvation and the power
and the kingdom of our God,
and the authority of his Messiah.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters,
who accuses them before our God day and night,
has been hurled down.
11 They triumphed over him
by the blood of the Lamb
and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much
as to shrink from death.
12 Therefore rejoice, you heavens
and you who dwell in them!
But woe to the earth and the sea,
because the devil has gone down to you!
He is filled with fury,
because he knows that his time is short.”

13 When the dragon saw that he had been hurled to the earth, he pursued the woman who had given birth to the male child. 14 The woman was given the two wings of a great eagle, so that she might fly to the place prepared for her in the wilderness, where she would be taken care of for a time, times and half a time, out of the serpent’s reach. 

Isis With Outstretched Wings

15 Then from his mouth the serpent spewed water like a river, to overtake the woman and sweep her away with the torrent.16 But the earth helped the woman by opening its mouth and swallowing the river that the dragon had spewed out of his mouth. 17 Then the dragon was enraged at the woman and went off to wage war against the rest of her offspring—those who keep God’s commands and hold fast their testimony about Jesus.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Samhaim 2013

My tribe's Samhaim 2013 was a blessed one. My beloved sister, Lady Mermaid was the High Priestess and her husband Davin MacLugh lent his assistance. The ritual was eclectic and the purpose of the rite was to remember our ancestors and/or a part of our life that is over. I was blessed with the opportunity to call the element of Air, my favorite quarter call. The Tribe has always been a good experience for me in that it has provided me with some great practical training that has served as a foundation for my ceremonial magick practices It has been four years since I joined this wonderful community and the group has produced offspring of eclectic covens, a druid protogrove and many accomplished witches and druids.  They have become my family over the years and I love them all greatly. I have always been the magical oddball though because of my leaning towards ceremonial magick in the non-druid context.

Over the last few months I have committed to the task of moving myself to the Los Angeles area to begin my life anew and to be closer to my Beloved Frater (a two hour drive). Though I love my Tribe community, it has become quite apparent that I need to move and seek out more growth professionally, personally, magickally and spiritually in a region that has more resources... that, and my ties locally have been cut: I am not close to my blood family here, my mother has passed, my divorce is final and my job is no longer fulfilling. Timing is also good for my Jupiter Angel since she will be transitioning from elementary school. Over the last 18 months, I have been establishing ties with the Los Angeles magickal community. For many years I avoided the region because I was warned by a judgemental ignorant person that "all LA people are crazy". On the contrary, I have found many balanced, experienced and might I add, very sane magical fork in LA.

The ritual was bittersweet and was held at a local campground that I visited many times over my lifetime. I used to go to the river there, to escape my family and read magical books in the privacy of the river's overgrowth, only detectable by the occasional tube-floating pleasure seeker. My Beloved Frater attended too, his first ritual with my tribe.   It meant so much to me to have him meet my pagan family and have the two of us sit in ritual with them.  It was heart-warming to give my beloved a kiss and a hug in the warmth of the love of my tribe and near the heart of the ritual fire.

As I do with most offerings to my ancestors, I provided them with some food I cooked myself and a little wine. I gave these offering to the fire and told my tribe stories about my parents because as Lady Mermaid told us at the beginning of the ritual, to share the memories of your loved ones, keeps them alive in others hearts too.

I shared my recent experience with my Jupiter Angel. I have always directly attributed my ability in mathematics and therefore science to my father. Though he only had a third grade education and spoke broken English, I remember him taking the time to teach me long division, patiently and lovingly. I remember how frustrated I was, but he kept encouraging me and kept showing me the steps and process until it just "clicked". The mathematical portion of the female brain develops at a certain time in their development and after that, certain synapses, the mathematical regions of the brain, are sealed and can no longer develop to their fullest potential. A female can still learn to do math, just not excel at it. As a parent, I have been cognizant of this fact and always take great care with my tutelage. The tables were turned one night of homework and I found myself in the same shoes as my father. Jupiter Angel was frustrated and the concept of following a math process was completely beyond her. I showed her how to line up the numbers in neat columns, write the numbers clear, move the decimal places over and to line up the remainder and results neatly. Like me and my dad, we had to do this several times. My Jupiter Angel, despite her reservations about her mathematical ability, has received "Math Magician" (LOL) awards for two years in a row now (she received the second award on November 1, 2013), a fitting tribute, remembrance and honor on the Dia de Los Muertos, for Jupiter Angel, me and my dad.

I took time remembering my blessed life and experiences with my Tribe. I have shared so many experiences with them: growth, sadness, and happiness. I told them how much I loved them and I will miss them, I gave the ritual fire some rose petals for the Tribe. They have become my sisters and brothers. When you share spiritual experiences, rites of passage and milestones with people, the bond and connection becomes as strong as blood itself. As I look back at my troublesome past, I can say it was truly worth it, knowing that it would take me to my present path and my loved ones. I could probably stay but now is time for me to act and make use of this momentum that I have built. There is a lot of uncertainty but like I told my Tribe, "I gotta do this"

Am I scared? A little bit. Does the move and the big changes cause me stress? Absolutely! But at this point, I would lose more if I do not take the plunge and I would regret not taking the opportunity. One adage keeps playing in my head:

If you do not feel uncomfortable, you are really not doing your Work.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Emflame Thyself

I am no stranger to prayer and devotion. In my Catholic upbringing, It was taught to me as a small child. I was taught to clasp my hands, bow my head slightly and do the words by rote memory. I was expected to do it every night until I got it right, and then regularly thereafter. As I got older, I learned the Stations of the Cross and to say my prayers with meaning and understanding. At that point, I could light my own candles in the shrine and it was a real treat to drop a coin, "clink", into the candle money box and light a new candle from the fire of another candle with a little stick. I still remembered the first time I lit a candle. My hands shook and the fire seem to blaze with such power. I could not light it at first because I was afraid I would set the church on fire and I would die a long horrible death and forever live in Hell.  I learned to adore the candle shrines, they seemed to glow with more Light, than just from the candles and held wishes and prayers for loved ones.

When I was a pre-pubescent youth I was expected to confess my sins to the old guy behind the shroud in the dark hot, stuffy and scary confessional booth and then do the equivalent of two "Our Father" prayers and the associated Hail Marys on my plastic set of colored rosary beads before God struck me down for my sins. My confessions consisted of things like french kissing a boy in the remote handball courts made of cool concrete or stealing a dollar from my mom's coin purse to buy Bubble Yum . Some of my Wiccan friends see confession as traumatizing but I assure you its no more scarier than the mall Santa Claus "good list or bad list" confession or the scary birthday clown with the freakishly large feet or some Halloween costumes. Yes, it is very scary.

During confession, the church was usually filled with the little old ladies, whispering swiftly their words of atonement. It is said the Sound of Silence, actually has a tone, which is similar to a hissing sound. In my heart, the sound is similar to those whispered prayers I used to hear during church. During confession, the tone is ominous, like the whisperings of demons in a scary demonic movie. Don't ever mess with those little old ladies. They are forces to be reckoned with. They have a phone line to God connected by the line of their rosary beads.

What got me thinking about prayer and devotion was a recent FB post from a Christian muggle, an old high school friend. She is quite the Baptist now and studies the literature from her faith quite often. She quoted a book she has read:

God invites us to pray in such a way that it scares what is scared within us. God loves when we pray boldly without a shadow of a doubt. If you are not praying the type of prayers that scare you, your prayers are certainly not frightening our enemy. - Lisa Bevere, Girls with Swords, How to Carry Your Cross Like A Hero

The quote was surprising to me because it made a strong statement about prayer. The quote reminded me of an adage that I have read in different forms during my own CM studies and the adage has been stuck in my head: "Inflame thyself with prayer" I found a couple of quotes pertaining to this idea.

"INVOKE OFTEN! INFLAME THYSELF WITH PRAYER" - Israel Regardie, The One Year Manual
"And when, invoking often, thou shalt see
That formless Fire; when all the earth is shaken,
The stars abide not, and the moon is gone,
All Time crushed back into Eternity,
The Universe by earthquake overtaken;
Light is not, and the thunders roll,
The World is done:
When in the darkness Chaos rolls again
In the excited brain:
Then, O then call not to thy view that visible
Image of Nature; fatal is her name!
It fitteth not thy body to behold
That living light of Hell,
The unluminous, dead flame,
Until that body from the crucible
Hath passed, pure gold!
For, from the confines of material space,
The twilight-moving place,
The gates of matter, and the dark threshold,
Before the faces of the Things that dwell
In the Abodes of Night,
Spring into sight Demons dog-faced, that show no mortal sign". - Liber Samekh, reference to Tannhäuser by Aleister Crowley 
"Humiliate yourself before God and His Celestial Court, and commence your Prayer with fervour, for then it is that you will begin to enflame yourself in praying, and you will see appear an extraordinary and supernatural Splendour which will fill the whole apartment, and will surround you with an inexpressible odour, and this alone will console you and comfort your heart so that you shall call for ever happy the Day of the Lord."  The Book of the Sacred Magic of Abramelin the Mage Translated by S.L. MacGregor Mathers
"A similar Fire flashingly extending through the rushings of Air, or a Fire formless whence cometh the Image of a Voice, or even a flashing Light abounding, revolving, whirling forth, crying aloud. Also there is the vision of the fire-flashing Courser of Light, or also a Child, borne aloft on the shoulders of the Celestial Steed, fiery, or clothed with gold, or naked, or shooting with the bow shafts of Light, and standing on the shoulders of the horse; then if thy meditation prolongeth itself, thou shalt unite all these Symbols into the Form of a Lion." -Chaldean Oracles of Zorastor
The definition for prayer and meditation has always been fairly clear to me, however, the word "inflame" was a bit more obscure to me. Here it is:

in·flame (verb)
  1. provoke or intensify (strong feelings, esp. anger) in someone. "high fines further inflamed public feelings"
  2. cause inflammation in (a part of the body). "the finger joints were inflamed with rheumatoid arthritis"
Everything started to become more meaningful after I understood a prayer that I perform before a regular ritual:
I am He! the Bornless Spirit! having sight in the Feet: Strong, and the Immortal Fire!
I am He! the Truth!
I am He! Who hate that evil should be wrought in the World!
I am He, that lightningeth and thundereth.
I am He, from whom is the Shower of the Life of Earth:
I am He, whose mouth flameth:
I am He, the Begetter and Manifester unto the Light:
I am He, the Grace of the World:
"The Heart Girt with a Serpent" is My Name!
Come Thou forth, and follow Me: and make all Spirits subject unto Me so that every Spirit of the Firmament, and of the Ether: upon the Earth and under the Earth: on dry land, or in the Water: of whirling Air or of rushing Fire: and every Spell and Scourge of God, may be obedient unto me!"
The idea of inflaming oneself with prayer is a process. One, like when I was a child, that starts with rote memory of the prayers, understanding the meanings of the words and  leads to fearful reverence of what we pray for in the first place. After that we can begin the process of purifying ourselves, detaching ourselves from fear, accept and transformimg ourselves into the roles as an ominous entity of purification and consecration. We have to make that strong emotional statement to ourselves and God that we are the controller. We become the Flame, like that Fire that I used to be awkward and fearful with as a child as the candle altars, beautiful and powerful.

We are the FEARED and POWERFUL and no longer the fearful and meek.

After this process of affirmation, we understand our enemy, the Darkness Chaos, the evil wrought in the world and our issues, The process of being the fear becomes our strength and beauty, and therefore our Lion. We become the reconciler.

Finally, since I love throwing in references to science, I found the following quote from Niels Bohr, a Danish physicist who made foundational contributions to understanding atomic structure and quantum theory

Everything we call real is made of things that cannot be regarded as real. If quantum mechanics hasn't profoundly shocked you, you haven't understood it yet." — Niels Bohr