Its been over a week since I last posted. Depression has hit me pretty hard. My legal issues have become stagnant so it has caused me alot of dismay. That, and I have been feeling pretty stupid and unworthy. A little ray of hope was given to me when my mentor mentioned that they Path is all about being challenged. I can face challenges because challenges actually involve activity, instead of the dreaded stagnancy.
My studies have fallen quite a bit due to my sluggishness, which pisses me off even more. I don't feel like doing ritual. I have to force myself but it does provide some comfort and relief when I do. I am accustomed to doing everything at break-neck speeds with hyperfocus. Lately, I cannot even do granny-speed and my concentration level has been all about a bad spell of attention deficit disorder. My mentor tells me I am being hard on myself but what else can I do. If I am not taking care of shit, how else am I supposed to feel? Happy?
It appears that all of my depression is coming out of things that I used to have pride in. Take away my pride and the ungodly feeling of fear sets in and everyone knows that "Fear is Failure"
I wish I had something esoteric or coolio to share with you, dear reader but I just caint (yes, i said caint) muster it. Yesod has been a challenge to put into my own words so I don't have that yet. I can probably give you some regurgitated definition from Wikipedia but that's not me so it will have to wait. Maybe I just need to get laid.
I will be at PantheaCon in San Jose, California this weekend, which is the west coast's conference for pagans. David Griffin will be there as well as authors such as Lon Milo DuQuette and John Michael Greer. Although I have been planning for this events for months, I am forcing myself to go. I am hoping it will get me out of this funk I have been going through.
If you are there dear reader and would like to meet up. Send me an email