I recently had a very traumatizing experience. It tested my abilities. Since I have been longing to test my skills and to work without a safety net, I told no one of my experiment. I had been anticipating the trauma for quite some time, collected pertinent data for it and came up with some trials. Although I knew the trauma was coming for quite some time and even practised some of my divination skills on it, I was NOT looking forward to it. I knew that my reaction would be strong. It was there in the horizon, waiting and looming for me.
I have understood for quite sometime that traumatizing experiences are good times to use energy to one's advantage so I carefully picked the desired manifestation of the experience.
The trauma was mainly focused in the element of fire, which I have to admit is very challenging for me to focus control over. I knew though, that the careful modulation of air would at least provide me with some control over fire and I carefully designed a means to keep the experience in a steady state mode during the modulation of air, which I noted took a slight toll on my physical body. I used 2 main ways to control the element of air, one that I can carefully control with hourly planetary energy and another that I use applying other astrological energies. The former is very tedious to calculate and the latter is a bit more difficult to manage. I assumed that a couple of the "other astrological energies" would remain in the "starved-air" state and ambient temperature, a very risky venture, given that any further "fire" or "air" from these components would have caused the experiment to fail or possibly go miserably out of control. I did not anticipate a particular fire component to rage out of control but fortunately, I was able to keep that component isolated from the experiment.
As I was struggling through the experience, everything fell into place, in a very surprising way. I was, however, very grateful that I had a plan. When the desired manifestation occurred, I felt a shifting sensation that I felt physically and internally, right down to my spirit.
I was able to validate the manifestation. The feeling of accomplishment was totally bittersweet.
Am I eager to do this type of magick again? No, I do not wish to go through any trauma but I do not fear it though. I learned and benefited from the trauma. Besides, learning is just part of the human experience.