Monday, August 2, 2010

The Fallout of Asbestos

HilbertAstronaut suggested in my last post that, using asbestos as a metaphor, the poisons of negativity should be contained so it doesnt poison. I really understand what he meant, having personal dealings with older buildings and the threat of asbestos. The material has to be encapsulated within a "protective barrier" to preclude the needle-like particles from weathering and becoming airborne. As Gynyt Siarad commented in my last post, the toxicity of resentment and anger cannot just be contained on a long-term basis and would be only appropriate on the short-term.

The quickest way for me to learn a lesson is when i have to change my behavior to avoid negatively affecting my children. One has to put one's issues aside when you're dealing with children who just dont have the coping and communication skills. You have to be their advocate. I would never want my issues to effect them because other forces caused me to explode and the fallout was my family or friends, especially my kids.

I have two kids, a little girl and a teenager. I have to deal with them differently because of their differences in ages. I learned a very difficult lesson with my teenager just recently. I had to give up owning his bad behavior. It was a very difficult thing because as a parent you want to protect them from the cold mean world. I have given almost every comfort/luxury that i could afford out of resentment of my own poor upbringing. He wasnt learning anything from my babying of him so i simply had to cut it off, let him learn his lessons and stop taking responsibilities for the bad choices he has made. I did my very best for him, given the circumstances. Since I let go, I have noticed he has become more appreciative, more responsible and a nicer person.

On the other hand there is my little girl. I will face any demon to protect her, even my own inner demons. She got upset about a craft project she was working on. She wouldnt stop crying regardless of the amount of comfort or problem solving I offered. I got frustrated and began to think, "Her dad never has to deal with this. Why do I have to deal with this all the time? Why do I have to do all of the difficult parenting?" I started to see my old self coming out and I became annoyed and resentful. I blew up at her. Instead of continuing with the negative behaviour, I stopped it abruptly and began to analyze it for what it was, my inner pain and resentment. We shared tissues, hugs, snuggles, discussed the problem and overcame the issue.

I mentioned in one of my previous post that resentment is something that fuels my passions. Well now, I have found my new weapon against the inner demon of resentment. I have rediscovered the power of LOVE, which is an act of both protection and letting go, simultaneously.

2 comments:

Gwynt-Siarad said...

::applause::

HilbertAstronaut said...

Glad to hear it worked out :-)

i remember reading in an editor's intro to Rilke's "Letters to a Young Poet" that Rilke was able to give good advice to Mr. Kappus, not because he had mastered the topics of his letters, but because he was still wrestling with them! i do wrestle a lot with issues of containment.