Friday, November 5, 2010

Focused Frustration

Frater Robert posted about Leo Focus. Since I am a Leo too, I shook my mane and my ears perked up. One thing I could relate to was his comment that Leos ride the line between Mercy and Severity. Sometimes, I truly feel bipolar in this regard.

He posted that he lacks of discipline and he needs to focus. He also noted that the "focus" lies between Mercy and Severity. It confused me because, fundamentally, I felt that discipline is actually severity and strength. Focus requires discipline. Pallas Renatus corrected me by reminding me that part of "disciplined will" (not the severity of the personality) is knowing when to throw in some Mercy so one doesn't become tyrannical.

I feel like I am just regurgitating words at this point so I must not truly understand this concept.

There have been several, very significant personal goals that come to mind. Had I not thrown in Mercy towards the tail end of the process of achieving those goals, I might have achieved them. I kick myself in the ass whenever I think about the goals. Given the context and the recipient of the Mercy, I can justify my actions but I still feel resentment (pity-party time) towards the whole idea that I was put into a situation where I had to hold myself back.

My feelings of failure cause me to work harder and therefore more severe. Then, I feel guilty about trampling over everyone in my fit of determination, which usually causes me to exercise too much Mercy. Smells like a viscious circle to me.

Sometimes, I truly feel like a vagabond holding a cardboard sign above my spirit that says, "Will work hard for resentment. Please use me, and abuse me. God Bless!"

On a lighter note, I just received word that I a very significant spiritual event will occur in about 3 months. I wished it were sooner. I will not believe it until it occurs. For now, its still a dream.

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