Saturday, November 20, 2010

Unworthiness, Geburah, Chesed and Newton's 1st Law

I go through bouts of feeling unworthy. I have alot of issues and when I feel unworthy, my first knee jerk reaction is to isolate myself to prevent my problems from effecting anyone else. I implode. I become uncommunicative and I don't want to impose my problems on anyone else. I care for people so I can usually justify my reactions.

You know those people whose feelings, just pour out of them, so easily and with fluidity.? Well, I am the exact opposite if I don't keep myself in check. I asked a friend what he thought about my feelings of unworthiness and he told me it was an issue of ego.

"Huh!, really, here I thought ego was an inflated sense of self. Yeah right! Gotta go check Websters on that one"

Then I thought about it and thought about it, felt sorry for myself and thought about it some more. Magickally, I came across the following note:

Unbalanced severity is cruelty and oppression. Unbalanced mercy is but would allow and abet evil.

This is along the lines of the sephirot that I've been working on, mercy and severity. By allowing myself to feel unworthy, i put the severity on myself in unbalance. By allowing myself to have too mercy on people by not sharing my issues, I pose unbalance on evil. People step all over you when you exhibit too much Mercy, either within the context of the mercy given, or not. Then, you become like a magnet to people who will treat you like shit. They come out of the woodwork!

What i took from this message, was to give myself a break and share my issues. the issues were given to me for a purpose, to share that i am a human and perhaps someone, like me, can use the wisdom I received to help get through their difficult times. I need to stop giving the pendulum Force to swing in either direction by finding the Balance. If one swings the pendulum one way, it will eventually swing the other way.

Newton's First law: Every body remains in a state of rest or uniform motion unless it is acted upon by an external unbalanced force.

Another tidbit of wisdom:

We cannot deal with evil by cutting it off and destroying it, only by absorbing it and harmonizing it -Dion Fortune


HilbertAstronaut said...

i'm not sure if it would make you feel better, but i definitely think you are higher on the Tree than i. i have issues of unworthiness but they seem to relate to an entirely different part of the Tree. i don't have the strength to bear such a fearful polarity as Mercy and Severity.

PhoenixAngel said...

@HilbertAstronaut: I have doing a "top to down" approach in my studies of the qabalah and yes, it has been very difficult. Since I'm a Leo, I seem to swing alot between the two extremes of Mercy and Severity. I still have not gotten to Tiphareth in my analysis. I did, however, find an aspect of Strength and posted it in my other blog post: The feather, the heart and 2 stones. Thanks for the input and hugs to you for your feelings of unworthiness :)

HilbertAstronaut said...

@PhoenixAngel i liked the feather, heart, and two stones meditation! i definitely agree that the best magical tools aren't the fanciest. When i had the regular habit of meditating with prayer beads, the best sets of beads were always the cheapest and most durable -- probably because they lasted the longest, so that i had used them more and they had more associations ("had soaked up more 'magical juice'").

i appreciate and return the hugs :) It's a struggle for me to do anything magical at all these days.

i haven't studied the Paths much at all, but from the little bit i've learned, the attribution (Aquarius, Tzaddi, the Star, Yesod-Netzach path) fits me pretty well.