Christmas has always been a tough time for me. Partly because, the notion of family has always had a negative connotation to it and families usually gather together to celebrate at this time. My blood-line relatives and siblings absolutely hate each other so we never really celebrated together (or at all for the matter). I never had that strong feeling of tradition or even Love during Christmas.
As an adult, Christmas usually meant someone getting drunk and a fight would soon break out or a house full of ingrates that sat out while I spent the entire Christmas dinner serving them and then cleaning the mess up myself. That got old really fast.
And there's that whole materialism issue that bothers me too.
I have always tried to instill the meaning of Christmas in my children, regardless of my own feeling towards it. Its supposed to be about good will and Love and I feel I done a damn good job of putting the spirit of Christmas in my kids' hearts, despite all of the other shit.
So tonight, I will finish my baking, prep the Christmas dinner and wrap the last gifts, as I always do. But tonight I will do something different that I have never done before. I will say prayers for myself so that I can finally heal from my Christmas-time feeling of turmoil and feel the spirit of good will and Love myself