Friday, January 28, 2011

A Difficult Decision

Sorry about the major drag post, dear reader, but some of my demons has reared its ugly head. Most likely because of the Path...

Many years ago, I had an abortion during the time period between my 1st child and my last child. It was one of the most difficult decisions I have made, in my whole life. I was having serious health issues, desperately trying to go to college for my engineering degree, and my ex-husband was on his umpteenth go at rehab... needless to say, not a good time to bring a child into the world, especially since my oldest child was still in diapers. It was also a very difficult decision for me because, at the time, I was still trying to be somewhat of a catholic and given the church's opinion of the issue, it was very hard for me to decide. With that abortion, I sealed my fate with the Catholic church. Its a sin after all... right?

I lived in the Central California equivalent of the Southern Bible Belt so I had to travel 200 miles for the surgery. During the whole time, I wept and as you know, dear reader, I am not a woman who cries very often. The whole situation was very sterile and impersonal, sorta like several routine surgeries that I have had over the years. They never referred to the child as a "baby" or "child" or a "fetus", or anything like that. In fact, they never really referred to the fetus at all. They never really mentioned it. They put several women in one room at a time and the tone was definitely SOMBER while we waited our turn. Some women wept quietly, some were scared and some were completely emotionless. Everything in the surgery room was white-washed and bare. Aint nobody was happy. The whole procedure took less than 30 minutes and the depression from the whole ordeal took me about 3 years to overcome. It took me that long to stop punishing myself for the abortion, for being weak, for admitting to myself that I could not care for another child and for committing a major selfish SIN. A part of me literally died that day....

So what made all of this come up? It has been my thoughts on death. Life renewal caused by any type of death is not a decision or task that should be taken lightly. It's something that MUST be thought through, quite carefully, because its effects and the fallout can be felt for a lifetime.

Think of that dear magickal practitioner, every time you do a life-changing spell or a working. Are you really making a choice that you will be happy with, for the rest of your life and can you really deal with the aftermath?


Morgan Drake Eckstein said...

You understand the saying "I have to live with myself in the morning." *hug*

Robert said...

and now you know what I was discussing with the 3 of Wands, virtue, is acting in alignment with your own soul.

Knowing the lessons of the past, can soften the lessons of the day.

It took courage to make this post and face this past, I respect that.

PhoenixAngel said...

@Frater Morgan: Yes, I understand, more than anyone will probably ever know. These demons i am facing are not ones I would usually share. hugs back

@Frater Robert: I have known the concept all too well. The engineering equivalent to it is called impulse

HilbertAstronaut said...

i empathize in ways i can't say in this forum. Thank you for describing this so well and sharing your experience.

Speaking of "impulse": One of these days it would be super awesome if you would make an "engineering Tarot" :-)