I have two friends that have physical pain, two very magickal friends that I care for very deeply. One friend suffers from pain sporadically and the cause is unknown. The other friend suffers pain as a result of a very definite cause and the pain lingers over a time frame. I always feel deep sadness when I know they're in pain because I feel powerless. I don't have the healing powers, like the druid or the power of loving comfort food, like the kitchen witch. I can say prayers for them and send them my sincere love. That's it.
The other day another friend asked me when my walls ever come down. Again, like the,"What do you enjoy" question, I was dumbfounded and felt stupid. I couldnt give her an answer. I told her my walls do come down in the blog because of the theraputic value of it. I was hesistant to tell her of any other times, because of my trust issues, and again, I was speechless.
It got me thinking about the situations where the walls come up in the first place. The walls are a knee-jerk reaction (anti-impulse) to pleasurable activities. I didnt feel like I was happy so I didnt want to pretend. I was so preoccuppied with the pain that I was not able to see anything else. Its not like I sat around crying or acted out all of the time. For the most part, I am an upbeat person full of energy. But there are times when I pull myself in and become overly stoic, non-emotional because I simply do not want to feel the humility of sitting there and crying like a baby.
There was one very significant area that I can clearly identify when my walls come down. It is when people reveal their pain. When the pain from another is felt and is sincere, this to me is an ultimate display of trust that I cannot take lightly. I feel it in the inner depths of my heart and it touches me. It touches me because I can relate to the pain and I want to reach out to send them love.