I need to work on hedonism. Is that contradictory? "Working" on "hedonism". I enjoy work. I love the challenges. Other people's definition of hedonism is different, I know that, but what about my own definition?
I consider myself pretty fearless. Not too much scares me. I am willing to try something at least once because I enjoy the adrenalin surge that occurs when I am overcoming the fear factor, except for maybe skydiving, I don't think I would EVER try skydiving. The risks are more than the benefits and I still have two kids that depend on me. Now that DOES scare me, totally losing control in general. This fear is a product of being the caretaker. When you have to be the "adult" in a situation, its REALLY REALLY difficult to find your own inner child. I have taught myself to tuck away and control alot of my personal desires, too much self-sacrifice. In doing so, I lost alot of my own identity. It's pretty pathetic when one cannot honestly answer the question, "What do you enjoy?" It has happened to me. I felt dumbfounded and stupid when I couldn't find an answer, despite my high-fallutin' introspection and vocabulary.
My biggest issue with hedonism is in the sexual perspective. I was sexually abused by several people. My profession looks down upon "sluts" because some guys cannot concentrate on your calculations if they are distracted by your cleavage. Sex became gratuitous, instead of exciting and pleasurable. I became androgynous, frigid, and gained 30 pounds (which definitely does not look attractive on a little woman). I became a wallflower. It made me MISERABLE. I am a Leo. I need to be adored. I need to feel sexy. It's one of my traits and I lost it. I felt powerless yet I was in control of my desires.
So I wish I had an epiphany about hedonism but I don't, except that maybe I have been just punishing myself. I cant find a rational solution to this issue. My mind cannot find a scientific or mathematical analogy. It doesn't involve overcoming a fear so I cannot use that vehicle. I have made alot of good changes on the exterior but I still feel like a sack of crap who doesn't deserve to have desires and and to have fun. I literally WINCE and get angry, when people tell me, "Have Fun"! What makes it worse is when I feel the UNIVERSE is dangling someone or something I really desire but I cannot have because, "It just wasn't meant to be". Teasing me and taunting me. Grinding more and more salt to that wound.
How the hell do I let go of this?