I need to work on hedonism. Is that contradictory? "Working" on "hedonism". I enjoy work. I love the challenges. Other people's definition of hedonism is different, I know that, but what about my own definition?
I consider myself pretty fearless. Not too much scares me. I am willing to try something at least once because I enjoy the adrenalin surge that occurs when I am overcoming the fear factor, except for maybe skydiving, I don't think I would EVER try skydiving. The risks are more than the benefits and I still have two kids that depend on me. Now that DOES scare me, totally losing control in general. This fear is a product of being the caretaker. When you have to be the "adult" in a situation, its REALLY REALLY difficult to find your own inner child. I have taught myself to tuck away and control alot of my personal desires, too much self-sacrifice. In doing so, I lost alot of my own identity. It's pretty pathetic when one cannot honestly answer the question, "What do you enjoy?" It has happened to me. I felt dumbfounded and stupid when I couldn't find an answer, despite my high-fallutin' introspection and vocabulary.
My biggest issue with hedonism is in the sexual perspective. I was sexually abused by several people. My profession looks down upon "sluts" because some guys cannot concentrate on your calculations if they are distracted by your cleavage. Sex became gratuitous, instead of exciting and pleasurable. I became androgynous, frigid, and gained 30 pounds (which definitely does not look attractive on a little woman). I became a wallflower. It made me MISERABLE. I am a Leo. I need to be adored. I need to feel sexy. It's one of my traits and I lost it. I felt powerless yet I was in control of my desires.
So I wish I had an epiphany about hedonism but I don't, except that maybe I have been just punishing myself. I cant find a rational solution to this issue. My mind cannot find a scientific or mathematical analogy. It doesn't involve overcoming a fear so I cannot use that vehicle. I have made alot of good changes on the exterior but I still feel like a sack of crap who doesn't deserve to have desires and and to have fun. I literally WINCE and get angry, when people tell me, "Have Fun"! What makes it worse is when I feel the UNIVERSE is dangling someone or something I really desire but I cannot have because, "It just wasn't meant to be". Teasing me and taunting me. Grinding more and more salt to that wound.
How the hell do I let go of this?
9 comments:
I would say that I was pretty much in the same situation as you were. Still am in some sense although I believe today the scales are slightly upturned.
Whatever you do, never ever let yourself be obsessed by "fixing everything" by magic. You'll go into a path that will eventually cripple yourself and your ability to perform , and most importantly enjoy, magic.
It all starts and ends with loving yourself. And the only way to love yourself is by doing it right now, in the present, and most importantly accepting yourself WITHOUT ANY TERMS OR CONDITIONS.
No "I will [this] / when I will [that]". None of that, throw that away. Quietly lull the future into the present.
brother george
i've spent pretty much my whole life wrestling with these issues and haven't figured it out yet -- and i didn't go through the bad stuff that you did. That said, recognizing it and knowing that you're working on it is half the battle. Just don't get discouraged if it takes a long time, and / or if it pops up after you think you've defeated it. i can say more on this subject via e-mail if you like.
Inside, there is a part of you that is being masked by pain. The main issue is fear of what's external to yourself because of the previous trauma. It's so strong that it will throw other things in your way, making you think they are the real problem. The feeling something is being dangled in front of you is sourced by your fear of the external that rebounds to you and manifests as this dangling feeling. The point is to create more frustrations and resentment to keep itself going.
Somewhere inside there is a feeling of 'IT HURTS!!!!!!' and tears pouring out of you like Niagra and a lot of sobbing and body shakes. It's so insidious because it's so subtle.
The problem is not with the material self or on the higher levels, but on the astral level, particularly the lower levels of the astral. It's throwing up red herrings left and right. If you ask yourself psychically if this new red herring is the reason, it'll say it is, but that's really the 'it hurts' part shouting loudest over ever other voice in your head. The others can't get through.
The effects of the trauma need to be banished. Repair, rejuvenation and stability need to be invoked from the universe, including the sense of 'I'm free of all pain'. And not just 'I'm free from all pain from this incident', even though it's important. No, after years of it building strength, it has crept into every part of your life. Your whole existence needs a cleansing of it. I hate to use a phrase from Buffy for real magick, but a 'soul colonic' is definately in order.
And be ready for comfort food, but I'd recommend fruit juice over solid foods. Fruit juice is as sweet as many snack foods, but there's less liklihood of gaining weight because it's a liquid. It'll run right through you. Plus, you might give off a lot of fluid from crying and sweating some of the emotions out, so you'd need to replace your fluids.
Theo
@Brother George. I dont try to fix everything by magick. I dont have the knowledge-base but magick does appeal to my inner-child though so I dont think I will have a problem with that.
You hit the nail on the head with the "loving yourself" part. It has been very difficult to accept and love myself since that many of my life's experiences are only ones that a "bad" person would deserve. I continue to work on it tho and THANKS for the support and advice :)
@HilbertAstronaut
I am glad you shared that and I would love to hear your thoughts. My email is on the main page.
@Theo. Didnt watch any "Buffy" stuff. I would love a clarification, information and more insight, especially about the soul colonic. Do you have a blog too? Thanks for commenting
Angel has a kid with Darla, both being vampires, so the pregnancy shouldn't have happened, but it did. After the kid is born, the kid is abducted by one of Angel's old foes and they go through a portal to another dimension that has no normal portals. The reason is that it is one of the worst dimensions with all kinds of vicious hellbeasts.
When the kid's absucted, his age is still measured in weeks, maybe a month or 2 or 3. The kid is raised in the other dimension (where time is passing a lot more quickly than the normal dimension where the show takes place). There's so much evil in that dimension that the kid gets it into every part of his mind and body.
When the kid makes his way back to the normal dimension, he's about 20 and maybe a couple months have passed in the normal dimension. He's basically an educated savage because of where he grew up in how he interacts with the world. He's just got super speed and strength to boot. The slightest threat to his dominance and territory and he'll stab you and take your ear as a trophy. He did take a drug guy's ear after a 3 on 1 fight. Think wacked out vietnam soldiers that went psycho while on duty and took trophies from vietnamese' bodies.
Anyway, he attacks Cordy who now has super powers and she grabs him and they both start to glow and the evil starts getting burnt out of him and his nicer side takes over and remembers how he's been his whole life and starts relaxing and sobbing.
A psychic demon, who had a run in with the kid earlier, says that Cordy gave the kid a 'soul colonic'. Cordy says the kid was infected with the evil of the dimension he grew up in. Afterwards, the kid feels depressed, regret and looks like he could sleep for 5 years.
I don't have a blog.
Theo
The only other thing I could suggest is keeping your heart and mind open to the 'soul colonic'. Treat the emotion to have it done, as if it was an element, like air or earth. You can draw the same thing out of every element, regardless of the element system. It's the 'all roads lead to Rome' type of thinking.
Theo
@Theo: Thanks for the explanation
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