Monday, July 18, 2011

Got Agape?

Dear Reader, I know I have not written for quite sometime but I have had some severe blows in my personal life that were debilitating but has provided me with much growth, a result of the Work that I present here... This post was actually written over a week ago and finished tonight.


I have been struggling with this post because I was afraid it would sound something like a seven year old's summary of their "boring" summer vacation:

"I had a good time over summer vacation. My summer was fun. I did many things. We lit some fireworks on the 4th of July and had a barbeeque. I had fun. We went to the park and rode our bikes many, many times. It was fun..."

I had a couple of summers like that when I was a kid, mainly because my dad was already blind and traveling was difficult for all 9 of us. I read alot during those boring summers but with 20/20 hindsight they seemed like a pretty decent summer vacation to me.

Somebody told me just recently that I only want to hear GOOD things, an implication of selective hearing. Well, I DON'T. I have constant reminders how fuck up the world is and how fucked up my own response mechanism is, on a regular basis. The only thing I can do is try to just work through these things and find a solution, like a ruler of her kingdom, carefully trying to figure out what is best for prosperity I have built while continually battling my own inner enemies. In my day job, I quietly and professionally lend my expertise to saving our environment and quietly, yet privately, fume over the fact that corporate pressure and red tape hinders much progress and innovation. In my private life, I get strongly jealous, cannot handle the pressure and fly off the handle when a person seems to be encroaching upon territory in my personal life. Like the large corporate companies, sometimes I cannot handle even the smallest competition and sometimes I react with sword drawn, fiery eyes, resentment in my throat and ready to kill whatever may kill me first. In some cases, both professional and personal, the threats are real but mainly I battle with the demons that reside within myself. Pretty fucked up, huh? A little dose of Mars will exacerbate that. A little dose of Venus heals that anger and defensiveness.

I am in a international cult of magicians, very different from the other groups I lend my energy to or study with. Over the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling the energy of this group, ramping up like a turbine. I joined the group because I was grounded from another group and frankly, I require the on-going practice of ritual magick for my personal learning. The timing was perfect and reminded me of the saying, "when one door opens...". I do not call myself a "witch" because I am a ceremonial magician. I do this Work because I gain much benefit from the ritual and the symbology associated with the ritual. The group was not formed as a teaching group, but rather as a group of magicians that get together and honor a deity. A group of people unified together using the occult sciences to tap into something bigger than ourselves but activated by our own Will. The "something" is a term another member so eloquently described as "Agape". In my mind and heart, this group was equivalent to groups focusing on solar energies or groups that were formed to honor the Full Moon.

Agape was a term I previously associated with Christianity. I do not have the hangups with Christianity like some people do so I still try to relate to the concepts and teaching presented by the religion. (After all, who am I to be disrespectful of my 90 year old aunt quietly doing her own magic by paying her respects to the Virgin Mary and praying to her beloved Jesus Christ) The energy I felt that was ramping up like a turbine was Agape, which has generated a strong egregore.

So what does all have to do with my quiet disdain towards accusations of selective hearing, my work with the planetary energies, my on-going work with the elementals and my need to honor Christ as well as the pagan deities?

I realized long ago that in order to be one with the Universe, I have to connect with both the good AND the bad, elemental energy, planetary energy and whatever else the Universe involves, a process that is quite painful at times, but an experience I intend to continue to do.

I used to describe this feeling like an achy feeling to be home again
but now it has a name, AGAPE
or as I have ascribed with the personal meaning of "Love of the Divine"


Anonymous said...

It's not fucked up, it's part and parcel of life.

I wish you strength and love.

HilbertAstronaut said...

I'm with you on Christianity -- while i'm definitely not orthodox anymore, i can't throw it all away any more than i can stop "honoring my father and mother." Somehow Pierre Teilhard de Chardin's version seems the most bearable to me.