Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Mourning and Remorse

I mentioned in a earlier post that I had a couple of significant changes in my Life, changes that were learning experiences but quite painful. I am now able to write about it. The change caused me to go into a tailspin of mourning and remorse, something I have never really experienced in my life because I have never caused the death of anything.

My Dear Readers should have been able to ascertain that I was part of a group of sisters that celebrated the Full Moon together. When they formed they group, they made me aware of it and noted that they were not going to include me and did not want me to misunderstand their exclusion. I knowingly accepted. I told them I was okay with it since I really considered myself more of a magician than a witch. After a while, they changed their minds and asked me to be part of their group. I told them I would join but that I would always consider myself a mage, and the way I would do the rituals would be CM-flavored and scripted. A very predominant style of the sisters' magick was an "ad lib" or rough outline type style. I should have kept to my original intent of only scripted rites.

The times we spent together were absolutely joyous for me. For the first time in my life, I felt like one of the girls, instead of one of the guys, who just so happens to have a larger bosom. Quietly, I kept from them the secret that the group was the first "just the girls" social group I had been in for 20 years. Getting used to that much estrogen was almost too overwhelming for me, especially since we practiced during the Full Moon. I overcame the discomfort by learning to be "totally in the moment", something I could do because I felt Love and Trust with those women.We shared our victories and we lent our patient ears to each others problems after each rite.

The end came to our group at the last Full Moon, the Moon of 1001 Obeisances. The gist of the moon rite was a focus on both leadership and service, in that a good leader must also know how to serve, particularly situations where thanks may not be offered. I performed the opening CM style since calling the quarters totally Wiccan style is still a challenge to me. I decided I would not perform the rite with a complete script and wrote only a rough outline.

During the rite, I explained to the women, that, as leaders of our homes, our professions and of our pagan community, we learn that it is NOT all about being just the queens of our Kingdoms, it's about paying service to our families, our jobs and our brothers and sisters in the community, thanklessly. It takes Work. For the main body of the rite, I had each of the pay a service to each other and then promise a community service which would be performed without thanks and without sharing the knowledge of it with others. The payment of service to each other involved two sisters facing each other while one sister adorns the other with a crown, anoints the other with some essential oil, feeds a slice of summer fruit and serves the other a glass of wine. The two sisters would exchange positions and then the other sister would pay the service to the other woman. The community service was represented in letters from the service made into a talisman, which was charged and offered to the goddess. In my personal solitary work, I typically have a script handy with most of the words I need. The movements within the rite are also predetermined, especially since I work alone.

The rite was not successful. I made a very newbie mistake and it has been a source of shame and inner anguish since... because it was the cause of the breakup of our circle. It was not directly my fault but my innocent mistake set the wheels in motion.

It was the movements in the rite that messed us up and I should have planned for. I put two women together who were having issues with each other. The emotions and discomfort ripped through our circle of sisters, something I was not wary of until it was too late. Later I was accused of "meddling magick" and the sisters decided that they no longer wanted to practice under such discomfort. Although I believe I was cleared of any accusations, I still feel intense sadness.

I can only describe the feeling I felt in one way when the "egregore" of my circle sisters subsided. It was like a favourite family pet dying or being "put down" to sleep. It hurt, right down to my core and I felt remorse... and above all, I was in mourning.

Everything flows out and in;
Everything has its tides;
All things rise and fall;
The pendulum-swing manifests in everything;
The measure of the swing to the right, is the measure of the swing to the left;
Rhythm compensates.”– The Kybalion.


HilbertAstronaut said...

I felt that kind of mourning and remorse when i messed up a friendship a few years back. That was definitely more my fault than this was your fault, though it's not really about fault, as your post does a good job of intimating.

Anonymous said...

As crazy as this may sound, I believe that you set in motion a series of events that will show how it was all for the best.

From the things I've picked up on this blog and FB you're a loving person with integrity, self-knowledge and with a strong desire to improve yourself.

I'm not saying these things to cheer you up (well ok maybe a little) but also to show that I believe you'll mourn, learn the necessary lessons and apply them next time. It's part of the forming-storming-performing-mourning cycle of life.